By Zach Johnson
Our inner workings
One definition of mindfulness is the degree to which we are fully engaged with whatever we’re doing at the moment, free from distraction or judgment, and aware of our thoughts and feelings without getting caught up in them. I think of it as simply extracting more out of what is happening right this moment, and the best part is that mindfulness can be developed. We can increase our ability to be fully present and reap the benefits of everything that comes with it. The list of benefits of increased mindfulness is too exhaustive to list here, but I want to focus on one aspect of the definition we are using. Namely, “awareness of our thoughts and feelings without getting caught up in them.”
Most of us interact with our thoughts and feelings subconsciously. We are engaging with them in some way, but we aren’t actually paying attention to them. They seem to spring up suddenly and dictate how we act. An interesting idea in mindfulness is that there is merit to consciously engaging with our thoughts and feelings. We can look at them as options to engage with. They point out a way to respond to the circumstances around us.
This is already a completely new way of engaging with ourselves. Instead of our thoughts and emotions running the show, we are, in a way, collaborating with them. As we attend to what’s going on inside us, we have a chance to interact with ourselves more objectively. It’s as if we’ve been in the backseat of a car and our thoughts and feelings are driving. Now, we choose to take over the driver’s seat. We see where we’re going a little more clearly. Our thoughts and emotions are now in the backseat offering us directions, and we can choose to listen and follow them or not.
This simple pause helps us to see our options much clearer, but the same thoughts and feelings are still coming. We have managed to separate ourselves enough to observe them. But how do we sift through which of them to follow and recognize the ones that aren’t in our best interest?
Questioning our thoughts and reactions
First, we can ask whether it is useful. Is this thought or feeling working for me in this situation? Do I need to dig deeper into it? Should I give it attention, or should I let it pass? If I’m feeling bored, am I just focusing on what is lacking in my situation? If I’m stressed, do I really need to be? Have I dealt with situations like this before? If I’m irritated, why? Am I forced to be irritated with my situation? Is there another way of looking at it?
This is where knowing your hierarchy of values really becomes helpful. If you know what your highest aims are, asking yourself these kinds of questions will give you a moment to reorient yourself towards those aims—the ones that are often hard to live by when you’re bored, stressed, or irritated for example.
A simple story
I’ll give one example of how questioning our thoughts and feelings opens up new possibilities. One night, I parked across the street from my house since that was the closest spot available. In the morning, I walked to my car and the man that owned the house I had parked in front of confronted me and asked that I don’t park in front of his house. It was a public street, so I thought the request was pretty stupid, frankly, but I tried to be easy-going about it and said, “No problem.” Parking 15 yards farther wasn’t that big of a deal, and I figured that was that. I agreed to give him what he wanted. But then he went on to explain why he needs the street cleared, for some reason, and he ended his explanation with, “So please don’t park in front of my house or I’ll have your car towed.”
At first, I was just flat-out confused. I felt like I gave him the answer he wanted a minute ago and then he goes on to hurl a threat at me. I reiterated as cordially as I could manage that I would park somewhere else. As I got in my car and drove away, I could feel myself tensing up. I probably don’t need to tell you the thoughts that were stirring in my head. Before too long though, I thought, “Why am I irritated? Am I really forced to be resentful because of what just happened?” I tried to offer the most generous interpretation of what had just happened and realized that he wasn’t irritated with me. There were probably 100 other things going on in his life that led him to feel like he needed to be defensive with me and I was just the lucky (or unlucky) guy that was there when it spilled out.
An opportunity to see beyond this man’s outward actions and beyond my harsh interpretations of them appeared. A whole new world now presented itself. I wasn’t the victim because I no longer thought he forced me to feel what I was feeling. Seeing him as human helped me to recognize that I could give up my harsh thoughts and feelings—the very thoughts and feelings that were upsetting me.
When we give attention and curiosity to our inner workings and even question their validity, it’s often the case we recognize we are either holding onto them or feeding them unnecessarily. We are feeding the very trouble that we wish so badly to be rid of. When we give these troubled thoughts and feelings some space, we have a chance to reframe our circumstances. With this new lens we can often see that we aren’t just ceasing to be thrown around by our feelings, but we can turn them around completely.
“If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment.”
In the case of the man across the street, as crazy as it might sound, it took a simple thought to go from harboring resentment to wishing the best for him. I thought, “What would have to be going on in my life to feel threatened or irritated at someone parking on the street in front of my house?” The answer is a lot. If I had that much going on and I unwittingly passed some of my frustration onto a random neighbor, I would hope that they could see past my actions and offer me some mercy. This was the new option that presented itself to me, and not only did I feel like it was the right thing to do for him, but it would allow me to release the tension and irritation that was quickly ruining my day.
You might be thinking this looks tedious or time consuming, but often it takes just a moment. In my case, it took maybe two minutes to completely change my outlook, and I ended up saving what could have been a rough day. When we increase our mindfulness, these opportunities come more naturally. It becomes automatic, and you start to see the value of it.
What happens when we follow our new compass
If you pay attention even once a day, your life will improve. Reframing one troubled feeling, one self-destructive thought, one interaction with someone can make all the difference. The way you view your surroundings will start to slowly shift. You’ll start to naturally see new ways to handle everyday situations—ways that are more in line with your own core values.
“The chief task in life is simply this: to identify and separate matters so that I can say clearly to myself which are externals not under my control, and which have to do with the choices I actually control. Where then do I look for good and evil? Not to uncontrollable externals, but within myself to the choices that are my own…”
This is where we want to be. Ultimately, finding and doing what we feel is the right thing to do, moment by moment. This is how we achieve peace of mind. Being mindful of our thoughts and feelings gives us a chance to recognize when they are leading us astray. We can let them pass if they would lead us to do something we don’t think is right, explore them with curiosity to find where they are coming from, or even dive deeper into joyful emotions if we wish to savor them just a little bit more. Either way, we have a new way forward that is more in line with who we really are at our core. Then, we simply act.