Befriending Your Dark Side
“Our ability to grow is directly proportional to an ability to entertain the uncomfortable.”
What came to mind when you first heard the term “positive psychology”? Perhaps it was all about maintaining that “good vibes only” mindset, or you pictured a world where happiness reigns supreme and everyone is constantly looking on the bright side. While focusing on the positive is important, this perspective oversimplifies the human experience. Promoting positivity is well-intentioned, but it can sometimes lead to misunderstandings about what it means to be emotionally healthy.
Many people believe that being “positive” all the time is the key to psychological well-being. However, when we only celebrate the “bright” side of things, we miss out on a much larger emotional landscape. In fact, psychologist Brené Brown (2010) has said, “We cannot selectively numb emotions. When we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive emotions” (p. 68).
Have you heard of Pareto’s 80/20 principle? It suggests that a significant portion of our happiness comes from a small fraction of our experiences. This tells us that true emotional well-being requires embracing the entire emotional landscape—yes, the highs, the lows, and everything in between!
But here’s the reality we all know too well: those less-than-pleasant emotions often feel just that—unpleasant. Psychologists Todd Kashdan and Robert Biswas-Diener (2014) explore this discomfort in their book The Upside of Your Dark Side. They introduce the concept of a “comfort addiction,” shedding light on our tendency to seek comfort and avoid discomfort at all costs. While seeking comfort may provide temporary relief, it ultimately hinders personal growth and resilience. Instead, they advocate for embracing discomfort as a path to enhanced well-being. This perspective highlights the importance of finding balance in our emotional experiences, recognizing that growth often comes from facing challenges head-on. So, don’t shy away from uncomfortable emotions like guilt, anxiety, or anger—embracing them could lead to greater happiness. It’s all about getting comfortable with the uncomfortable.
Contributors: Kathleen Ririe, Leini Jenkins, Ashlynn Larson, Mikaela Ahlstrom