By Andrea Hunsaker
“Comparison is the thief of joy” Theodore Roosevelt once quipped. So, there you have it - just don’t compare? Great advice… except that it’s impossible. The advice to simply stop comparing yourself to others is about as helpful as telling your lungs to stop breathing. The human brain must make comparisons to make sense of the world and assess our survival standing. It’s automatic and you can’t just stop. But there is a way to relate to the comparisons your brain makes that doesn’t leave you feeling inadequate all the time. [drum roll] Self-compassion.
I recently sat and watched the Broadway show Hamilton, and amidst the wonder and delight of the musical journey was a twinge. You see, I have a nice voice, and at one time I dreamed that I might also have made those sounds with my pipes. So, instead of completely enjoying the magnificent show, mixed in the experience was also a little prick of hidden hopes and deflated dreams.
I may just be a competitive person, but it happens more than I like to admit, and I think--I hope--it’s not just me. I’ll be listening to a podcast. Someone who can spin a sentence with eloquence and make the words reflect exactly their thoughts. A talent I wish I had. So, I’ll feel a little green. I don’t exactly wish misfortune on the smooth talking voice, but there’s the twinge. Like a tireless, overachieving intern with a clipboard, my brain eagerly points out what I don’t have as I go about my day; everywhere are tanned legs, wrinkle free foreheads, and eyebrows that don’t have to be drawn on.
So, in these moments, I’ve started to send myself compassion. I acknowledge that it hurts to feel the pain of something not achieved, a piece of fruit not reached, the heaviness of “I’m not enough”. This is hard. This is suffering. I watch the wave. Honor it. I recognize that this is a part of the human experience. Everyone feels this way about some things. This is not just my suffering, this is our suffering. May I give myself the compassion in this moment that I need. As I have fostered the habit of self-compassion, these little (and sometimes big) twinges have less effect on me. I can more quickly rebound, dismiss unhelpful comparisons and feel grounded by a love and appreciation for myself.
When your brain is making unhelpful comparisons, think ENVY:
E - Evolution of self. You are evolving, growing every day. Compare yourself today with yourself yesterday. Psychologist Sonja Lyubormirsky, notes that "people who are happy use themselves for internal evaluation. It's not that they don't notice upward comparisons, but they stay focused on their own improvement. A happy runner compares himself to his last run, not to others who are faster." When your brain is comparing you to others, send yourself compassion and then make the conscious effort to “Compare Me to Me”. Find satisfaction in your own evolution.
N - Nurture. How does their talent nurture you? Recognize how you benefit from others’ good qualities and cultivate a joy for their success. See how you are connected with this person. See how their success helps to build and elevate you. Mudita is the Sanskrit word for sympathetic or vicarious joy. It is likened to the pure joy a parent might have for a child's happiness. Self-compassionate people are better able to experience Mudita because they see that all humans not only share suffering, but also joy. Connecting to the common suffering of humanity also connects us to the common joy. The simple fact that you can see the good in another person also means there is at least some of it in you too. Think Namaste, “The light in me sees the light in you.”
V - Validity Check. Like a funhouse mirror, the eyes of envy are distorted. Check the validity of your thoughts about this comparison. Look at the bigger picture of yourself and others, the whole truth. See the whole person. We often callously compare others’ strengths to our weaknesses. Self-compassion recognizes your strengths in other areas. Ask the question, “What is the Whole Truth?”
Y - Yet. You are not there YET. Foster a growth mindset. Recognize that abilities and intellect are not fixed. Self-compassionate people are more willing to try and less afraid of failure because they can count on themselves for the support they need to recover from setbacks. With effort and training, you can grow in yourself the talents you admire in others. See the journey that it took for this person to get where they are. If you get the chance you might ask them how they got there. Practice, Fail, Learn, Repeat. Tell yourself, “I’m not there... YET.”
Envy is a form of suffering. Self-compassion doesn’t judge the struggle (as in shame on you for doing deadly sin #7). It honors the desire for wanting something good and the pain of not having it. Compassion means “to suffer with”, so self-compassion is being there for yourself in these difficult moments as you would for a good friend. How life changing would it be to have a loving, supportive, friend with you all the time speaking in your ear who truly understood and appreciated you?
Building self-compassion takes practice and effort and reading this article is a great first step. The free Self-Compassion module is a great next step, and be on the lookout next month for an expanded self-compassion course that will give you a 30-day roadmap for transforming self-criticism into self-compassion.