By Joseph Shearer
“I never considered a difference of opinion in politics, in religion, in philosophy, as cause for withdrawing from a friend.”
Psychological Flexibility
Change can be hard. Change can be uncomfortable. Change can even be debilitating. One reason we have such a complicated relationship with change is that it requires us to be fluid against all instinct to settle. Although adapting to change is so difficult, decades of research show that it is an important part of a healthy mind. Each of us has cherished values, and alterations to the circumstances of our lives can make it difficult to hold onto those values. The ability to keep moving toward your values in the face of obstacles and change is called psychological flexibility.
Luckily (*slight sarcasm*), we are surrounded by plenty of opportunities to stretch our psychological flexibility! Not only have we recently undergone rapid change as a country, but our nation is full of strong opinions and competing perspectives. Simple discussions about COVID-19 or the current political situation have gone from civil to frenzied in a matter of minutes. Why is there so much disagreement? And why has this disagreement brought so much hostility? Is agreeing to disagree even an option anymore? Have no fear, psychological flexibility is here to save the day!
“How can you possibly believe THAT?!”
Surely you have expressed this sentiment after gulping down a big bowl of nails...I mean...opinions contrary to yours. Although hearing someone else’s opinion is not as lethal as ingesting nails, it can certainly feel as unsettling. After all, how could this person possibly see things in such a twisted light? They must be uneducated, we quickly assume. Or maybe they’re being paid to believe that, we wonder.
The point is that we are uncomfortable accepting the possibility that their perspective is valid, even if only to them. It makes us uncomfortable to see people who are similar to us—who hold the same values as us—make sense of information differently than us. This discomfort is likely the “stretching pains” of your brain trying to accept that its own schema is not the only one. The beauty of psychological flexibility is that we can learn to be okay with this discomfort.
Still, you can’t help but wonder how two very similar people can get to such different conclusions.
The Power of Experience
It’s painfully simple in theory, but equally painful in practice. Our experiences have brought us to where we are today. They have shaped our beliefs, our commitments, and our preferences. Take a moment to consider what has happened in your past that is shaping your present. You might be surprised by what you find. Pay special attention to how little occurrences have expanded and developed into unbending facets of your identity.
Now imagine if those occurrences of your past had been different. Would that have altered where you are, how you are, or who you are today? Keep in mind that it is instinctive to defend your current perspective and as a result you may be quick to deny any effect a different past would have had on you. The evidence, however, is all around you that you likely would not be the same. Each of us is surrounded by dozens of people who hold the same values as us and still differ from us on some point of interest. Consider these people within your own sphere.
Stretching to Reach Another Perspective
Being psychologically flexible and staying true to our values when our circumstances change often requires embracing a new perspective or making accommodations to our current perspective. This does not mean that our opinions must change, but it does mean that our mindset must change. When confronted with an opposing opinion, all too often we undertake the “civic duty” of correcting our peer’s understanding, instead of undertaking the civil task of accepting our peers as they are. The route of correction typically involves presenting them with information we feel they must not be aware of. The route of acceptance, on the other hand, involves stretching psychologically and taking a moment to put ourselves in their place.
As a healthy exercise, we might create a hypothetical list of reasons they may be inclined to believe as they do. We could ask ourselves: what experiences might have contributed to their perspective? What is it about their identity that has influenced their position? We would do good to recognize that their opinions are just as reasonable to them as each of ours are to us. As we remember to be psychologically flexible, we can promote a culture of acceptance and understanding. We will never satisfy our nation’s thirst for equality under a notion of, “I’m right and you’re wrong,” but only under a proposal of respectfully, and understandingly, agreeing to disagree.
