By Emelia Call
“Even when we do wrong, accountability is helpful, compassion is helpful, apology and forgiveness are helpful, but shame is not.”
“Wow, I am such a failure.” Some people just bring out that thought in us. For me, it was my friend’s new fiancée. From the moment she walked in the room, I knew I wouldn’t be able to talk to her. She was tall and thin with beautiful, long, brown hair and a perfect smile painted on her face. I watched the way she interacted with the group with such grace and perfectly controlled enthusiasm as my head slipped into the beating waves of not enough, not enough, not enough.
Brené Brown’s definition of shame is “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging—something we’ve experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection” (Brown, 2013). When I first saw my friend’s fiancée, I immediately compared myself to her looks and personality and saw only my flaws. I felt that my own friends, upon seeing us side-by-side, would immediately conclude what I had in those few moments: she was far superior to me and therefore deserved their love more than I did. You can probably see the blatant mental fallacies in this thinking, but when we’re in the throes of shame, they’re hard to see for ourselves.
The shame we feel can come from any number of triggers, whether it be a failed test, a missed opportunity, or saying something we wish we hadn’t said. Maybe it comes from comparison to someone else or the person we think we should be. Many, if not most, of our shame triggers come from sociocultural expectations. These expectations vary from person to person depending on the context of their lives, but they are always harmful (Brown, 2006). Shame chips away at our self-worth and our self-efficacy to the point of total shutdown.
It should be noted that shame is inherently different from guilt. Guilt is “I did wrong,” while shame is “I am wrong” (Brown, 2013). Sometimes it’s hard to tell the difference. If you’re unsure of what you’re feeling, try to locate the source of the emotion. Is your self-worth at stake? Did your mistake spiral you into thinking of all the things you’ve ever done wrong? Are you motivated to keep trying or are you leaning towards giving up? You may think that these feelings keep you constantly moving forward to being a better person and exercising self-control (Nevid, 2017). Not true! Our self-control is determined by the values we hold, not how harshly we punish ourselves. Shame focuses on the past, which we can’t change. The mental energy we spend tearing ourselves down can be much better used to fix our mistakes and to move on with self-compassion. Guilt can be a powerful motivator, while shame keeps us anchored to what was, uselessly mooring us to our regrets and faulty self-image (Nevid, 2017).
So, how do we move out of the depths of shame and into the light of vulnerability and self-acceptance? Brené Brown (one of my favorite authors, as you may be able to tell) published a groundbreaking study that discussed her Shame Resilience Theory (Brown, 2006). She has since conducted multiple studies across a wide variety of people and synthesized their responses regarding shame to propose a theory as to how we can move through shame by increasing our sense of connection, power, and freedom. She offers four specific suggestions:
Know your triggers. Brené Brown calls them shame gremlins: little creatures that pop up whenever we are feeling like we are not enough. Some examples include shame gremlins surrounding parenthood, body image, work, productivity, family, mental health, religion, or sexuality.
Recognize the context of those triggers. Understand that you are not alone, that there are many people who feel the same pressures that you do. By taking a step back and realizing how universal your feelings are, you don’t allow shame to overwhelm you and pull you into disconnection and powerlessness.
Reach out to others. Shame is isolating and tends to make us think that we are alone in our suffering. By sharing our stories with our peers and being vulnerable about our shame gremlins, we can find others who feel the same way we do. If you’ve ever felt intense relief when someone else said that they also turned in an assignment late or that they too felt completely out of their depth at work, you know that being vulnerable helps you and those around you to connect. Sharing imperfections increases empathy.
Speak your shame. According to Brené, “Shame cannot survive being spoken” (Oprah Winfrey Network, 2013). Putting words to our feelings decreases their intensity and puts us in a better position to share them. Shame thrives off of secrecy, silence, and judgment (Oprah Winfrey Network, 2013); when we disarm shame by speaking about it, sharing it, and recognizing that we are not alone, we cultivate more acceptance and connection, further building our shame resilience.
Everyone feels like they are not enough at some point in their lives, and even shame has something to teach us—but we can move through our shame while maintaining our authenticity by being vulnerable with those people who have earned our confidence. If we were all a little more open about our weaknesses, they wouldn’t isolate us from others but rather help us feel more engaged and motivated to try again. Failure is human, but rising above failure is the essence of human flourishing.
“There is no shame in beginning again, for you get a chance to build bigger and better than before. ”
REFERENCES
Brown, B. (2006). Shame resilience theory: A grounded theory study on women and shame. Families in Society: Journal of Contemporary Social Services, 87(1), 43–52. https://dx.doi.org/10.1606/1044-3894.3483
Brown, B. (2013, January 13). Shame vs. guilt. Brené Brown. https://brenebrown.com/articles/2013/01/15/shame-v-guilt/#:~:text=I%20define%20shame%20as%20the,makes%20us%20unworthy%20of%20connection.
Nevid, J. (2017, March 19). Guilt me not. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-minute-therapist/201703/guilt-me-not
Oprah Winfrey Network. (2013, October 6). Brené Brown: 3 things you can do to stop a shame spiral [Video]. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TdtabNt4S7E