By Lauren linford
“We are so successful at being comfortable, that comfort has become the enemy of our success . . .
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An inevitable part of being human is our predisposition to pain. This reality is something that we all too often try to fight. We, very naturally, try to avoid pain and gravitate toward a more comfortable homeostasis. When we have a headache, we take medicine to make it go away. When we’re lonely, we might scroll on TikTok to help ourselves feel better. This seems understandable and not too precarious, right? The problem is that sometimes our avoidance of discomfort can get in the way of us living a valued life. For example, imagine you’ve been invited to a party, but you won’t know anyone there. You’ve been wanting to make new friends, but the thought of attending fills you with anxiety, so you decide not to go. You instantly feel less anxious, but at what cost? Avoiding discomfort here made you feel better temporarily, but it diminished your ability to live a life full of meaningful connection.
In addition to these costs, what if I told you that your very resistance of pain and discomfort might increase the amount of suffering that you experience long term? It’s true. Research has found that our unwillingness to remain in contact with distressing emotions (such as sadness, anger, loneliness, grief, etc.) intensifies negative psychological symptoms (Dindo et al., 2017). Sometimes, even psychological treatment can backfire if we try to use it as a means of escape from our tough feelings or expect it to take all the pain away.
So, I know what you’re thinking. “You’re crazy! You want me to feel bad?!” Well, sort of, yes, but mostly, no. The goal isn’t necessarily to enjoy feeling bad but to befriend your pain rather than resisting it.
Letting Go of Resistance
To illustrate this idea, let’s talk about Wim Hof. Ever heard of him? Also known as “The Iceman”, Wim Hof is a Dutch athlete known for his ability to withstand cold temperatures. Wim Hof has hiked Mt. Kilimanjaro in shorts and run a half marathon above the Arctic Circle . . . barefoot! He has even sat submerged in ice for almost two hours. So, what’s his secret? Do you think Wim Hof was able to build up such a tolerance by avoiding the discomfort caused by cold?
Definitely not! Wim Hof has mastered the art of befriending his pain. He started out each day by practicing cold exposure little by little. First 1 minute, then 2 minutes, then 5, 10, and so on. Armed with tools that include special breathing and mindfulness techniques, Wim Hof was able to build up his tolerance for painful feelings. Those feelings did not diminish with continued practice, but his willingness to befriend the pain increased his tolerance for it.
Now, I’m by no means endorsing the Wim Hof method and definitely don’t want you to do anything physically unsafe, but this provides a helpful illustration for why it is important to allow yourself to feel difficult feelings rather than trying to escape. Think of emotional pain as your ice bath. Much like Wim’s breathing techniques, you can learn skills and tools in the modules on this website that will help you to tolerate (not avoid) painful feelings. As you willingly befriend your pain with openness and curiosity, over time you might find that your ability to handle it increases.
Observing, Not Resisting
The other day, I was walking out to my car at the back of a parking lot when it began pouring rain. It was the middle of my work day, and I knew that I was going to be soaking wet for my next meeting. As I walked in the rain, my whole body was tense and resisting the experience of the pouring rain.
At one point, I realized what I was doing. I recognized that my resistance to the rain was not going to change the outcome of getting wet, and it certainly was not making the experience any more tolerable. In that moment, I made a choice to let go of resistance and shifted into observer mode. As I did this, I noticed the feeling of the rain on my skin. I felt the sensation of the droplets on my cheeks and the cool wetness on my arms. I smelled the fresh, clean air. I was suddenly open to the richness and beauty of my sensory experience. Though it was unpleasant to be cold and wet, I found that once I became willing to be cold and wet, the experience became much more tolerable. In fact, once I stopped resisting, it felt quite exhilarating!
Try It Yourself!
You may find yourself feeling skeptical, and that is natural. Simply notice your thoughts, and I encourage you to give it a try before you make any final judgments. Next time you experience a painful emotion, try observing instead of resisting the pain. Imagine that you’re a curious scientist who has never witnessed or experienced the feeling before. Now that you’re no longer putting all your energy into fighting the feeling, what do you notice about it that you might have previously missed? Where is the feeling located in your body? Notice what your mind is telling you about the pain and your ability to tolerate it. As you do this, you might find that your choice to stay with the discomfort increases your capacity to manage it.
To learn more, check out our Mindfulness and Engaged Living Modules. For practice, I recommend the experiential avoidance exercises in the Engaged Living Module: https://www.mybestself101.org/engaged-living-strategies
You may also enjoy this book:
“Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life” by Steven Hayes
“The great art of life is sensation, to feel that we exist, even in pain.”
Reference
Dindo, L., Van Liew, J. R., & Arch, J. J. (2017). Acceptance and Commitment Therapy: A transdiagnostic behavioral intervention for mental health and medical conditions. Neurotherapeutics : The Journal of the American Society for Experimental NeuroTherapeutics, 14(3), 546–553. https://doi.org/10.1007/s13311-017-0521-3