By Claire Sullivan
“I define connection as the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship”
“So, are you interested in me or not?” This bold and not-so-natural phrase rolled off my tongue as I was having a conversation with a boy I liked. My introverted self would’ve never thought that I would say something so blunt before. Although asking this question was nerve-racking for me, it was followed by feelings of liberation, liveliness, and satisfaction. Little did I know that acting more extraverted in this moment would actually be a contributing factor to my well-being and relationship building.
Many people have heard of extroverts and introverts before, but what does being extraverted really mean? According to John, Naumann, and Soto (2008), extraversion is when one is more talkative, assertive, and sociable, while introversion refers to those who are more quiet, passive, and reserved. Some of the most robust research findings in personality psychology suggest that extraverts tend to experience higher levels of flourishing and positive affect, or feelings of joy, cheerfulness, pride, enthusiasm, and energy (Kuijpers et al., 2022; Smillie et al., 2015; Steel et al., 2008). Even though it is great that extraverts tend to experience more positive affect and flourishing, what are introverts like me supposed to do? Luckily, there is hope for us all.
One study explored the possibility that acting extraverted could reap similar well-being benefits as those who are naturally more extraverted. Jacques-Hamilton and colleagues (2019) randomly assigned participants to a 1-week act-extraverted intervention to see if those who acted extraverted would have more well-being than those in the control group. They found that, on average, the act-extraverted intervention increased participants’ reports of positive affect and authenticity, and the intervention was most successful for those who had at least average levels of trait extraversion to begin with (Jacques-Hamilton et al., 2019). One question that may come up after reading these findings is: how is it possible for one to act extraverted and still be their genuine and authentic self? This study also had this question and discovered that, on average, people did not feel less authentic by following instructions to act extraverted. Contrastingly, participants reported increased feelings of authenticity when acting extraverted, a result that is consistent with other findings on how naturalistic extraverted behavior is associated with higher levels of perceived authenticity (Fleeson & Wilt, 2010; Jacques-Hamilton et al., 2019). These findings may be due to people having a natural tendency to want connections with others. So, even though acting extraverted may not be natural for everyone, everyone can benefit from having positive social interactions where they are active participants.
Although all people need and (for the most part) desire social connection with others, it can be hard to know how to go about it. It can feel unnatural to spark up a conversation with a stranger who is in line next to you when checking out at the grocery store, or compliment the person next to you on a flight, or talk to a stranger in general. However, it can also feel scary to talk to people you already know on a deeper and more vulnerable level. It doesn’t have to be as extreme as my example of asking someone if they were interested in me. It can be as simple as telling a friend how grateful you are for them or discussing with a partner that you want to spend more time together. This is where extraversion can help in building supportive relationships.
It may seem like extraversion is just about being super social, but it also includes other qualities, such as assertiveness (John, Naumann, & Soto, 2008). Assertiveness and the ability to be vulnerable with others can help in connecting with others. Connecting with people makes it so one’s neural reward system leaves them feeling happier and healthier after building relationships (Cacioppo et al., 2006; Diener & Seligman, 2002; Holt-Lunstad et al., 2015). However, being in the presence of another person can create some risk of potential physical or psychological harm, in which case the interaction would be a source of misery rather than happiness (Kahneman & Deaton, 2010). Before we move on, I want to make it clear that I am not promoting you to have a social interaction that is potentially dangerous; however, if there is an interaction that seems scary because it is out of your comfort zone, I am here to help!
Being and even acting extraverted can be beneficial for connecting with others, building relationships, and boosting one’s personal well-being. If you are someone like me, where you have to act extraverted to gain these benefits, or you just need some tips on how to become more extraverted in general, here are some practices that can help in the journey:
Compliment a stranger. It can be scary talking to those we don’t know, but if you simply build up five seconds of courage, you will be able to do this one! If you are a beginner, practice this while passing by strangers. If you want to build up your extraversion, complimenting a stranger you are standing next to is a great way to break the ice and start a conversation.
Take a risk! Try pushing yourself out of your comfort zone by doing something you normally would never do. Maybe that looks like asking someone on a date, giving your waiter your phone number, dancing at a party with other people, or something of the sort.
Have a vulnerable conversation with a friend or family member. This is a great extraverted practice to help build relationships. If you are a beginner, try to think of something positive that you believe about a close person in your life—perhaps you are inspired by them or grateful for them. Whatever it may be, once you think of something, go ahead and call or tell the person face-to-face about this positive statement. Be genuine and open up about your feelings. This will help in practicing being vulnerable. If you want a more advanced version of this practice, think of someone close in your life where there is a problem to solve. Maybe someone said something mean to you, or you feel wronged. Whatever the case is, practice having a vulnerable conversation with this person to express how you really feel and work on mending that bridge.
Of course, you will not become naturally extraverted overnight; however, acting extraverted and doing some of these practices will aid in strengthening your relationships and increasing your level of well-being. It feels good to be connected to others and push oneself to new limits. So whether you are starting with baby steps or taking a big leap, enjoy this new journey in the world of extraversion.
“When you push yourself beyond limits, you discover inner reserves, which you never thought existed earlier”
References
Cacioppo, J. T., Hughes, M. E., Waite, L. J., Hawkley, L. C., & Thisted, R. A. (2006). Loneliness as a specific risk factor for depressive symptoms: cross-sectional and longitudinal analyses. Psychology and aging, 21(1), 140. https://doi.org/10.1037/0882-7974.21.1.140
Diener, E., & Seligman, M. E. (2002). Very happy people. Psychological science, 13(1), 81-84. https://doi.org/10.1111/1467-9280.00415
Fleeson, W., & Wilt, J. (2010). The relevance of big five trait content in behavior to subjective authenticity: Do high levels of within-person behavioral variability undermine or enable authenticity achievement? Journal of Personality, 78(4), 1353–1382. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-6494.2010.00653.x
Holt-Lunstad, J., Smith, T. B., Baker, M., Harris, T., & Stephenson, D. (2015). Loneliness and social isolation as risk factors for mortality: a meta-analytic review. Perspectives on psychological science, 10(2), 227-237. https://doi.org/10.1177/1745691614568352
Jacques-Hamilton, R., Sun, J., & Smillie, L. D. (2019). Costs and benefits of acting extraverted: A randomized controlled trial. Journal of Experimental Psychology: General, 148(9), 1538–1556. https://doi.org/10.1037/xge0000516
John, O. P., Naumann, L. P., & Soto, C. J. (2008). Paradigm shift to the integrative Big Five trait taxonomy: History, measurement, and conceptual issues. In O. P. John, R. W. Robins, & L. A. Pervin (Eds.), Handbook of personality: Theory and research (3rd ed., pp. 114 –158). New York, NY: Guilford Press.
Kahneman, D., & Deaton, A. (2010). High income improves evaluation of life but not emotional well-being. Proceedings of the national academy of sciences, 107(38), 16489-16493. https://doi.org/10.1073/pnas.1011492107
Kuijpers, E., Pickett, J., Wille, B., & Hofmans, J. (2022). Do you feel better when you behave more extraverted than you are? The relationship between cumulative counterdispositional extraversion and positive feelings. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 48(4), 606-623. https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167221101506
Smillie, L. D., DeYoung, C. G., & Hall, P. J. (2015). Clarifying the relation between extraversion and positive affect. Journal of Personality, 83(5), 564 –574. http://dx.doi.org/10.1111/jopy.12138
Steel, P., Schmidt, J., & Shultz, J. (2008). Refining the relationship between personality and subjective well-being. Psychological Bulletin, 134(1), 138 –161. http://dx.doi.org/10.1037/0033-2909.134.1.138