By Will MacDonald
“You might be tempted to avoid the messiness of daily living for the tranquility of stillness and peacefulness. This of course would be an attachment to stillness, and like any strong attachment, it leads to delusion. It arrests development and short-circuits the cultivation of wisdom.”
Remember how your values are like a compass? Just like how a compass has a north and south, some actions will direct you towards your values, and others will direct you away from your values. According to ACT made simple (Harris, 2019), “towards moves” are anything that brings you in the direction that aligns with your values. “Away moves” are any action that leads you away from your values. Away moves are going to be the biggest challenge of living a value-based lifestyle. The Engagement Module addresses toward and away moves really well, so I will only give a brief description of away moves here.
Have you ever got so wrung up on an idea that it became almost impossible to let go of it or think a different way? One type of away move is when you act differently than intended or don’t act because of an idea you are hooked on, or more commonly known as, getting stuck on an idea (Harris, 2019). They usually come in statements of, “I am not good at [math, science, sports, socializing, etc].” Even if this statement is not true, it can be hard to let it go because of your strong belief in it. James Clear (2018) thinks there are two reasons for this. One, people tend to want to conform to their beliefs to maintain their self image, because changing that image means struggle, and struggle means pain. Two, people do not like to contradict themselves. To contradict yourself might cause you to have a lot of uncomfortable feelings. Personally, I never saw myself as a good writer. To change that idea about myself, it required practice in writing and challenging my own beliefs, both of which were hard to do. Now I am proud of my writing skills, even if they are not yet perfected.
Another cause of away moves are urges. Urges are impulses, reactions, or automatic actions that influence your behavior (Harris, 2019). They are more than just the feelings of hunger or a desire for sex; they are instinctual reactions combined with our learning history, to how we respond to emotions (Harris, 2008). Personally, when faced with a lot of homework, it makes me feel anxious, so I have the urge to procrastinate to avoid that feeling of anxiety. It is not the emotions that will get you off track from your value oriented path of living, but how you react to those emotions that will steer you away.
It is important to remember that we do not have complete control over our emotions and thoughts. We can influence them, but there is no guarantee you will be able to control every thought or feeling that passes through your brain. If I say: don’t think of elephants….. you probably thought of elephants just then. What you do have control over is your attention and behavior.
Moving Past Difficult Emotions and Thoughts
When you feel those urges, Dr. Harris (2008) suggests that you apply his two step plan:
Acknowledge what you are feeling. Ie. “I am feeling the urge to ___.”
Check in with your values. Ask yourself, if you follow through with that urge, will it help you to be who you want to be? Does this urge fall in line with your values? If yes, then go ahead and do it. If not, change your actions so they are more in line with your values.
This can be an effective way to push past these urges. Just being aware of them takes some power away from them. However, in some cases this won’t be enough. Some urges are so strong they can’t be brushed off so easily. People may experience a period of depression after the loss of a loved one where the urge to stay in bed and not work can be overwhelming. Some daily urges are just stronger than others. People may also have strong hooked ideas which they have believed for so long, that it is hard to shake off. I know I have been hooked on the idea that “I can’t work if I don’t feel good.” So when I have a lot of anxiety about assignments or work, I put it off until I feel better—which, by the way, never works. When these strong urges or hooked ideas come about, I apply the acronym OBSERVE.
OBSERVE (Harris, 2008):
Observe the urge as if you were a scientist. Where do you feel it? How strong is it? Acknowledge what it is that you feel.
Breathe into it. Take a few short, deep breaths. Imagine your mind as a room that is cluttered by the urge. Expand that room to make room for the urge.
Surf the urge. Ride the urge as if you were surfing on a wave. Notice how intense it is. Maybe even score it as it changes intensity. Be patient and wait for it to gently fall
Expand yourself. Breathe into it and make more room for it. No matter how big this urge gets you are still bigger. Don’t fight it, just make room for it and it will soon subside
Refocus your attention. Unhook your mind from any unhelpful thoughts and bring your attention back to the here and now
Values guide you. Take a moment to see what is in your heart- who you want to become and how you want to act. Then make an action plan to do that
Engage fully in whatever valued action you decide to take. Let your thoughts and feelings come and go as you give full attention to your action
(This practice is a mindfulness exercise. Go to the mindfulness module to learn more about it.)
After you have tried OBSERVE, reflect on how you feel and how well you performed your action. Try to keep this experience in your memory. It will serve as evidence to you that you can work past those strong urges and you can control your behavior. Something to keep in mind is that you will have urges every moment of the day, so we are focused on the ones that will get in the way of your valued living (Harris, 2008). Some urges may even align with your values, and others may be unreasonable to deny. I personally value education and giving my best effort when presented with tasks. I might have a lot of work that I could get done over the weekend, but I also have the urge to socialize on the weekends. Denying myself social interaction may be unreasonable for my mental health, and even aligns with my value of connectedness.
The more you practice OBSERVE, the better you will be at it, and the more likely you will be able to use it when you really need it. So, over the next week or so, pick two to three situations when you need to make a value based decision but where you also naturally experience strong urges or hooked thoughts. Once you are in that situation, try to OBSERVE and then stick with what you are doing.
Willingness to Co-Exist
In order to live a value oriented life, you will have to have willingness. According to Dr. Harris (2008):
“Willingness means we make room for the negative side effects, such as unpleasant thoughts and feelings, in order to create a meaningful life”
Willingness is the only effective way to deal with obstacles in life (Harris, 2008). Urges are just as much a part of life as physical pain. We can do a lot to avoid it: we may read as many self help books as possible, we may futilely push the urges away, or you may even be searching this website on how to escape life’s pains. The truth is that there is no true escape from pain in life. There are only two options: You can either choose to live by your values and deal with the urges, or give into the urges and go against your values. It’s the choice between instant relief/pleasure with no fulfillment or short term struggles with a life of fulfillment and happiness. That is why we must have a willingness to accept that we will face these urges and thoughts.
Once acceptance happens, we take away power from those emotions and thoughts. If we are able to stop ruminating on thoughts and urges, they tend to fade on their own. Like quicksand, the more you struggle, the faster you sink. Personally, I know how hard this struggle can be. Like I stated before, I thought I had to stop feeling bad to be productive and I worked towards always being happy. I have since accepted that I am going to feel different urges almost every moment of every day, many of which are out of my control. As I have worked through these urges and thoughts, I have slowly proven to myself that I can be productive and not feel great at the same time. When I strive to live my values, even at the hardest of times, I have noticed more satisfaction in my life. You will not want to always follow your values, but every time you do, you will grow as a person (Harris, 2008).
To help you work on willingness, try the The Willingness and Action Plan (Harris, 2008), which is part of the Engaged Living module.
“The attempt to escape from pain, is what creates more pain.”