By Bryce Koehler
“The stories we tell literally make the world. If you want to change the world, you need to change your story. ”
Ever since I was a kid, I have been fascinated by stories. I cannot tell you how many hours I spent reading tales about characters such as Percy Jackson, Harry Potter, and Eragon. I loved seeing the journey that Frodo went on as he carried the fate of the Middle Earth, and who could have imagined that Luke’s father was actually (spoiler alert) Darth Vader himself! These stories have had a profound impact on mine and many others’ lives. They are classic tales of good versus evil, a theme that has echoed across generations of storytellers and across history itself.
Through storytelling, there is so much that we can learn about overcoming the challenges we all face in life. We get to know the characters we love on a deep level by relating to what they are going through. You will likely never find yourself in a situation where you need to overthrow an evil government ran by the Sith, but by seeing Luke Skywalker overcome his challenges to become a Jedi (Kershner, 1980), we can gain the courage to face our own challenges and stay true to our own values. When I talk about storytelling from a positive psychology perspective, I am referring to the stories that we tell ourselves about ourselves.
Your Story is Your Identity
Each of us has some idea of who we are that is based on our own stories. Perhaps you describe yourself as a student, a teacher, a golfer, a gamer, or a lover instead of a fighter. These titles describe things about our personalities, our interests, and how we like to spend our time, and each of them are a part of our story. The idea that we use stories to describe ourselves is nothing new, but a researcher named Dan P. McAdams was one of the first to say that our stories can also provide meaning to our lives (McAdams, 2001). Because our stories are tied to our identity, the things we tell ourselves about ourselves can have a profound impact on our mental health (Adler et al., 2007), our relationships (Dunlop et al., 2020), and our values in life (McAdams, 2001).
Emily Esfahani Smith expanded on this aspect of storytelling in her book, The Power of Meaning: Crafting a Life That Matters (2017). She listed storytelling as one of the “four pillars of meaning,” alongside belonging, purpose, and transcendence (Smith, 2017, p. 36). Each of the four pillars are things that we can build on to live more meaningful lives, and we can build on the pillar of storytelling by shaping our own narratives in ways that help us better understand ourselves and our place in the world (Smith, 2017).
My Story
Allow me to share an experience I had this last year about how reframing my own story changed my life. Ever since my junior year in high school, I have struggled with doing homework. Maybe it was because I was taking precalculus that year, or maybe I just wasn’t understanding the material as well. Whatever it was that caused it, my grades began suffer, and I started to worry that I was not going to be able to graduate with my friends. In the end, I pulled through and graduated on time, but it was extremely difficult for me, and I did not understand why.
When I started going to college, I was worried that the same thing was going to happen, and I was going to struggle to pass my classes. I was afraid to take on more than two or three classes per semester, and this led to me feeling like I was falling behind in my degree. I was very stressed, and I couldn’t help but feel like I was just lazy and a failure because it was so difficult for me to focus on a simple thing like homework. These feelings culminated in me developing anxiety and depression at the end of Winter semester, 2022. I started seeing a therapist, and after they got to know me and the struggles I have had for years, they recommended that I see a psychiatrist about getting a diagnosis for attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD).
At first, I was skeptical because I had never noticed any of the “typical” symptoms of ADHD in myself. I decided to do some research on my own before looking for a psychiatrist, and I started at the best place I know of to do research in the 21st century: YouTube. I watched many videos about ADHD, including other people’s experiences in getting diagnosed with ADHD as an adult, and something strange began to happen. The more I watched and learned, the more I began to relate to what I was hearing. I recognized myself in these people’s stories, and I realized that ADHD was more than just bouncing off the walls as a kid. One of the main struggles for someone with ADHD is difficulties with executive functioning, which is the ability to control impulses and focus attention on specific tasks. I then reached out to a psychiatrist so that I could learn more and discover exactly what was going on inside my head.
After about 10 minutes with my psychiatrist, they confirmed that I do in fact have ADHD, and for me, this was life changing news. For the first time since my junior year in high school, I felt like I understood myself. With this knowledge, I was able to reframe everything that I thought was true about myself. I no longer saw myself as lazy and a failure, and I began to recognize that my brain has certain limits. By realizing this and re-writing my own story about myself, my depression and anxiety began to fade, and they were gradually replaced by hope and understanding. As a result, this has been one of my best semesters in college so far, and for the first time in my life, I am genuinely excited to continue my education. There are still times when I struggle to work on my assignments and some of the old thoughts about myself come up, but because I have re-shaped my own story, I am able to brush those thoughts aside and focus instead on what I managed to accomplish before I got my diagnosis and how I have grown since then.
How to Re-Tell Your Story
I am not saying that everyone who is struggling in life has some undiagnosed problem that needs to be solved or understood before they can re-write their stories. You can start now, wherever you are on life’s journey, to shape your story about yourself in ways that can give your life more meaning and purpose. Here are five ways you can start telling yourself the right kind of stories today:
Practice Authenticity: Learn to love the real you by examining your doubts, having compassion (especially on yourself), and exploring your values.
Love Letter to Yourself: Write a letter to yourself to remind yourself that you are worthy of love and acceptance just as you are.
Simple Question: Ask yourself this question, “What meaningful step can I take today (no matter how small) to work towards my values?” Make that your main goal for the day.
The Three Things exercise: Write down three things that you accomplished in the last week and think about how you felt. Then list three things you hope to accomplish in the next week and consider how it will feel to accomplish them.
Positive Self-Talk: Try talking to yourself in front of a mirror. You can give motivation, compliments, or even just talk about the events of your day! Connect to yourself on a deeper level.
(All of these ideas can be found in greater detail, along with many other great ideas, in the “Engaged Living” module on MyBestSelf101.org.) (Engaged Living Strategies Menu, n.d.)
People have been learning and growing by telling stories throughout history. The stories we tell ourselves are more than just words and ideas. They are a part of who we are and how we see the world. By framing them in a positive way, we can give our lives more meaning, and we can even find more joy along the way. For more help on creating meaning in your life, and many other topics, check out these modules on MyBestSelf101.org! (My Best Self 101, n.d.)
Engaged Living
Mindfulness
Optimism
Personal Growth
Purpose
Self-compassion
Values
“ Everyone tells a story about themselves inside their own head. Always. All the time. That story makes you what you are. We build ourselves out of that story.”
References
Adler, J. M., Wagner, J. W., & McAdams, D. P. (2007). Personality and the coherence of
psychotherapy narratives. Journal of Research in Personality, 41(6), 1179–1198. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jrp.2007.02.006
Dunlop, W. L., Bühler, J. L., Maghsoodi, A., Harake, N., Wilkinson, D., & McAdams, D. P.
(2020). The stories couples live by. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 38(2), 690–710. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407520969900
Engaged Living Strategies Menu. (n.d.). My Best Self 101. Retrieved December 8, 2022, from
https://www.mybestself101.org/engaged-living-strategies
Kershner, I. (Director). (1980). Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back [Film].
Twentieth Century Fox.
McAdams, D. P. (2001). The psychology of life stories. Review of General Psychology, 5(2), 100–122.
https://doi.org/10.1037/1089-2680.5.2.100
My Best Self 101: Home page. (n.d.). My Best Self 101. Retrieved December 8, 2022, from
https://www.mybestself101.org/
Smith, E. E. (2017). The Power of Meaning: Crafting a Life That Matters. Crown Publishing Group
(NY).