By leini jenkins
“Compassion isn’t some kind of self-improvement project or ideal that we’re trying to live up to. Having compassion starts and ends with having compassion for all those unwanted parts of ourselves, all those imperfections that we don’t even want to look at.”
A couple of months ago I stood in the kitchen with the oven door open. I looked at the flat, overdone macarons I had just attempted to make. Macarons are delicate sandwich cookies that are known for being difficult to execute correctly. I was tasked with making them for an important family event, and I was feeling pressure to execute flawless cookies. The heat from the oven rushed to my face as inner thoughts rushed through my head. You can’t do anything right. Why do you even try? Someone else who actually knows what they’re doing should be making these. I was familiar with my inner critic. In the past, I would have believed these thoughts and concluded that I was a terrible baker. Instead, I stood back and brought awareness to my thoughts. I placed my hand gently on my heart and repeated to myself these phrases: “These macarons didn’t turn out the way you had hoped.” “This is a moment of disappointment and frustration.” “Everyone has things that don’t turn out as expected.” “You did your best and I am here for you.” “You can try again.” After a few deep breaths, my feelings settled, and my thoughts softened. I made the macarons three more times before I got better results. Even then, they still had flaws, but it was okay. Because of my ongoing practice of self-compassion, I can be my own best friend, extending gentle kindness to myself in moments of difficulty (even small moments, like making macarons).
This powerful practice of self-compassion happens when you are open to your own suffering, turn towards it instead of away from it, and extend kindness to yourself. It involves approaching your pain, failures, and shortcomings with non judgment (Neff, 2003b) and accepting yourself in these challenging moments (Germer, 2009). The core of self-compassion, for me, is the belief that you are always worthy of love and kindness. This may feel uncomfortable at first, but leading experts have identified three components of self-compassion (Brach, 2003; Kornfield, 1993; Neff, 2003a; Salzberg, 1997) that can help you become more comfortable with treating yourself in this way.
First, self-compassion requires mindful awareness. Having mindful awareness allows us to be aware of thoughts and emotions in the present moment without judging, avoiding, or repressing them. It lets us approach the reality of the present moment with more balance and equanimity (Bishop et al., 2004). To address your difficult emotions and experiences, you must be aware of them in a way that allows for their existence. You do not have to change anything about the thoughts and feelings you are experiencing. You simply recognize them as what they are—thoughts and feelings—and not the truth about who you are (Neff & Dahm, 2015). In my personal example of making macarons, my mindful awareness came when I noticed my internal dialogue of negative self-talk without engaging with it.
Second, self-compassion requires recognition that you are not alone in the human experience. This is called common humanity. We all suffer, make mistakes, experience disappointment, and get it wrong sometimes. The scope through which we see life can broaden when we act as though we are a compassionate “other” in relation to our suffering selves. We can adopt this compassionate “other” persona when we recognize that everyone has trying experiences. Instead of feeling as if you are the only one who fails, is disappointed, or makes mistakes, you can remember that this is part of what it means to be human and that everyone has moments like this (Neff & Dahm, 2015). Referring to the macarons, my common humanity moment was when I acknowledged that everyone has times when things do not turn out. I could have assumed I was the only one who could not make macarons, but I practiced self-compassion by reflecting on the reality of common humanity instead.
Lastly, central to self-compassion is self-kindness. With self-kindness, you offer support and understanding to yourself. You approach your inner dialogue with gentleness, compassion, and encouragement rather than tearing yourself down with harsh criticism. You exchange thoughts of not being good enough with a caring acknowledgment that you are already enough. Instead of self-punishment, you recognize that you did your best. Meeting yourself with kindness can nurture and soothe your pain (Neff & Dahm, 2015). Using the macaron experience as an example once again, I started out by beating myself up over my perceived failure. However, I quickly gave myself gentle encouragement and support, which helped me have clarity of mind and the motivation to try again.
Treating yourself as a good friend is not just a nice idea. In a meta-analysis, MacBeth and Gumley (2012) found that self-compassion is associated with reduced anxiety and depression. People who are more self-compassionate ruminate less, breaking the hold of negativity (Neff, 2003a). Self-compassion is also associated with emotional intelligence, life satisfaction (Neff et al., 2008), and a wide variety of positive emotions such as creativity, optimism, inspiration, curiosity, and excitement (Hollis-Walker & Colosimo, 2011; Neff et al., 2007). Cultivating a friend within yourself not only helps you personally, but it can also help you be a better friend or partner to others. In a study, self-compassionate individuals reported more emotional connection in their relationships and were described by their partners as being more accepting (Neff & Beretvas, 2012).
Now that you have a basic understanding of what self-compassion is, the next step is to start making it a part of your life. Below are a couple of ways you can get started in being a supportive friend to yourself.
Soften, Soothe, Allow – Here is a guided meditation by Kristin Neff. It involves taking the emotion you’re feeling in your body and softening it (at the physical level), soothing it (at the emotional level), and allowing it (at the mental level). This is about being your own loving companion and wanting to alleviate your own suffering. You can even repeat the three words (soften, soothe, allow) to yourself as you’re mindfully observing the emotion in your body. [Kristin Neff: Soften, Soothe, Allow Exercise]
Self-Compassion Phrases – This is one of my favorite practices and one that can be done any time you feel you need support. Self-compassion phrases or metta phrases originate from a practice called Metta meditation (Hansen & Warren, n.d.). These short metta phrases focus on extending kindness toward yourself in times of pain or suffering. Phrases such as: "May I be happy, may I be at peace, may I live with ease, may I be free from suffering" are extended to yourself. Using these phrases or writing others that resonate with you can be helpful for cultivating self-compassion. Phrases can be tailored to your needs and circumstances (e.g., "May I accept myself just as I am") but need not be too specific (e.g., "May I get into the college I want"). Once you have written your phrases, try to use the same ones every day. Through these phrases, you are not trying to generate a specific outcome or circumstance; you are just trying to cultivate a kind and loving attitude (Hansen & Warren, n.d.).
Starting out with self-compassion may feel uncomfortable. Many people feel this way because they are used to responding harshly to themselves. Fortunately, self-compassion can help you feel the transforming power that comes from being your own best friend.
“Loving yourself . . . does not mean being self-absorbed or narcissistic, or disregarding others. Rather it means welcoming yourself as the most honored guest in your own heart, a guest worthy of respect, a lovable companion. ”
References
Bishop, S. R., Lau, M., Shapiro, S., Carlson, L., Anderson, N. D., Carmody, J., Segal, Z. V., Abbey, S., Speca, M., Velting, D., & Devins, G. (2004). Mindfulness: A proposed operational definition. Clinical Psychology: Science and Practice, 11(3), 230–241. https://doi.org/10.1093/clipsy.bph077
Brach, T. (2003). Radical acceptance. Bantam Books.
Germer, C. K. (2009). The mindful path to self-compassion: Freeing yourself from destructive thoughts and emotions. New York: The Guilford Press.
Hansen, O., & Warren, J. (n.d.). Self-compassion strategies menu. My Best Self 101. https://www.mybestself101.org/selfcompassion-strategies
Hollis-Walker, L., & Colosimo, K. (2011). Mindfulness, self-compassion, and happiness in nonmeditators: A theoretical and empirical examination. Personality and Individual Differences, 50(2), 222–227. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.paid.2010.09.033
Kornfield, J. (1993). A path with heart. New York: Bantam Books.
MacBeth, A., & Gumley, A. (2012). Exploring compassion: A meta-analysis of the association between self-compassion and psychopathology. Clinical Psychology Review, 32(6), 545– 552. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cpr.2012.06.003
Neff, K. D. (2003a). The development and validation of a scale to measure self-compassion. Self and Identity, 2, 223–250. https://doi.org/10.1080/15298860309027
Neff, K. D. (2003b). Self-compassion: An alternative conceptualization of a healthy attitude toward oneself. Self and Identity, 2(2), 85–101. https://doi.org/10.1080/15298860309032
Neff, K. D., & Beretvas, S. N. (2012). The role of self-compassion in romantic relationships. Self and Identity, 12(1), 78–98. https://doi.org/10.1080/15298868.2011.639548
Neff, K. D., & Dahm, K. A. (2015). Self-compassion: What it is, what it does, and how it relates to mindfulness. In B. D. Ostafin, M. D. Robinson, & B. P. Meier (Eds.), Handbook of mindfulness and self-regulation (pp. 121–137). Springer Science + Business Media. https://doi.org/10.1007/978-1-4939-2263-5_10
Neff, K. D., Kirkpatrick, K. L., & Rude, S. S. (2007). Self-compassion and adaptive psychological functioning. Journal of Research in Personality, 41(1), 139–154. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jrp.2006.03.004
Neff, K. D., Pisitsungkagarn, K., & Hseih, Y. (2008). Self-compassion and self-construal in the United States, Thailand, and Taiwan. Journal of Cross-Cultural Psychology, 39(3), 267–285. https://doi.org/10.1177/0022022108314544
Salzberg, S. (1997). Lovingkindness: The revolutionary art of happiness. Boston: Shambala.