By Will MacDonald
“A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.”
In high school, my favorite thing to do was to hang out with friends. Even if we ended up doing nothing, I would always choose to hang out with my friends over any other option. I brought my friends on vacation with my family and me, we would hang out every weekend and see each other every day. Friends were and still are a really important part of my life. However, after graduation things changed. We all got a lot busier, made new friends, and even got girlfriends. I found it increasingly hard to maintain my old relationships, have time for new friends, and meet new people that would want to spend time with me as well. Maybe not everyone has the same problem as I do with having a lot of friends and having little time to see them, but I do know a lot of people have a problem with too many responsibilities that struggle to maintain the few or many friends that they have. In fact, I think that it becomes pretty common in life. I saw this meme a few years ago but I haven’t felt it until now.
I have been worried about this problem to the extent that I did some research that may help me and anyone else who struggles to maintain social relationships in light of everything else going on in their lives. The most important thing to establish first is whether the people you are thinking of are worth your time.
Now, that may sound harsh, but hear me out. We are very social creatures, and whether you're an introvert or an extrovert, you are bound to interact with people from school, work, close friends, or even family. There are many ways of grouping people, but Dr. Degges-White (2021) has grouped friends into lifelong friends, best friends, close friends, social group friends (people you may hang out with but aren’t close with, like a friend of a friend you always see), activity friends (team members, club members, etc.), friends of convenience (have the same classes or neighbors), and acquaintance friends (people you see in your path each day or co-workers). Any one of these people may change from one group to another, so a best friend who betrayed you in Monopoly seven years ago may have become an activity friend, or a new acquaintance may become a close friend. All these social circles add up to lot of people and relationships for each of us, and some people (like me) might feel the pressure to be close friends or better friends with all of them. However, unless it is your job, nobody has time for that. The three groups that have been shown to correlate the most with happiness are your lifelong friends, best friends, and close friends (Dregges-White, 2021). So, focus on making time for these three groups. The other people you’ll either not care about seeing or will naturally see them through social gathering or activities you already do.
Now, how many close friends is too many or too little? There is no optimal level; everyone is pretty unique. In a survey asking how many friends people feel are the perfect amount, 10% said 1, another 10% said 7 or more, 50% said 2-3, and 30% said 4-6 (Dregges-White, 2021). So if you feel pressure to have more or less friends than you have right now, let your mind rest knowing that you’re not any different from the rest of us for wanting the amount that you're comfortable with. There might be a small percentage of people who judge you for your preference, but that is probably because they’re insecure about how many friends they have too.
Finally, the harsh reality—Some people just may not be worth being friends with. Friendship may be analyzed through satisfaction of the relationship and commitment. Oswald (2017) measures satisfaction by rewards (good things from the relationship) minus the costs (things you don’t like about the relationship) and expectation (how you expect someone to meet rewards and costs). Obviously, you will expect more rewards than costs; however, some people may expect a lot more rewards, and some expect fewer from their relationships. Commitment is measured by satisfaction plus investments (things you feel you would lose if you ended the relationship) minus the alternatives (other ways to spend energy and time if you did end the relationship). In equation form, that looks like this:
Satisfaction+investments–alternatives=commitment.
If you come out with a “negative number”, then your alternatives are better than the relationship you have right now. Put your friends to the test! Ask yourself if you feel satisfied with the relationship and if you want to commit to maintaining it. If you feel that you don’t want invest as much effort anymore, you can dissolve the relationship, spend less time together, and/or put your efforts into another relationship. Oswald (2017) found the biggest indicator of satisfaction and commitment was reciprocation. If your friend is putting as much time into spending time with you as you are with them, then you will know whether it is worth your time.
Now for the good stuff—How can you maintain the relationships you want to? Satisfaction was predicted by positivity (expressing thanks, laughing together, more positive experiences than negative ones), supportiveness (support in difficult time, feel accepted, compromising), openness (share thoughts, repair misunderstanding, interesting conversations), and interaction (hang out, do favors, celebrate together) (Oswald, 2017). For commitment, supportiveness and interaction showed significant correlations. Remember, satisfaction plays a big role in commitment, so supportiveness and interactions may be investments of the relationship. As you maintain behaviors that support these four measurements, friendship tends to increase (Oswald, 2017). So, if you have someone new you want to be best friends with, focus on these aspects and make sure they are reciprocated!
Here are some specific strategies for each aspect. You can visit MyBestSelf.org for more ideas:
Positivity- beat out distraction and be in the moment. Put your phones down, be responsive and thoughtful to their questions, and be engaging! This sounds obvious but you’d be surprised how often you are unaware of everything when you’re with friends.
Supportiveness- make the most of good news by being expressive, listen empathetically to understand them better (once you do you may understand their struggles better), and make sure you are actively changing behaviors they may not like (this is like a roommate doing dishes, not changing aspects of you).
Openness- quickly resolves fights (make sure you’re not the only one apologizing all the time either), Share who you are (this link can help you organize your thoughts and share them, Who Am I?: The Gottman Institute), and try to have conversations that you two can really get into (something you two have in common, something you both know a lot about, personal and meaningful opinions)
Interaction- schedule a time to hang out. It can be weekly lunches, a few hours on the weekend, or chatting on the phone. If you have a friend group, plan a time for everyone to hang out, even if it’s just an hour or two. Just because it isn’t 5 hours, doesn’t mean it is not quality, relationship building time.
Personally, maintaining my friendships seems a lot less daunting. I know who I want to spend time with. I know that I don’t have to dedicate 5+ hours of my time to maintain friends; although sometimes I may want to, I don’t have to if I don’t have time. Finally, I know how to make the best use of my limited time with my friends. My personal biggest bit of advice is let things be and don’t waste time on those who won’t spend the effort on you. If you care about someone enough, you will see them. If they don’t care enough, then give your precious time to those who do care enough.
“Cutting people out of your life is easy; keeping them in is hard.”
References
Degges-White, S. (2021, November 5). The 7 types of friends, and which is most essential for our happiness. Psychology Today. Retrieved October 22, 2022, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/lifetime-connections/202111/the-7-types-friends-and-which-is-most-essential-our-happiness
Oswald, D. L. (2017). Maintaining long-lasting friendships. Oxford University Press.