By krey harris
“The shadow by my finger cast
Divides the future from the past:
Before it, sleeps the unborn hour,
In darkness, and beyond thy power.
Behind its unreturning line,
The vanished hour, no longer thine:
One hour alone is in thy hands,-
The NOW on which the shadow stands.
”
Perhaps the most unfortunate circumstance for any person to find themselves in is coming to the end of their life and realizing that they aren’t happy with how they lived it. This distressing thought becomes even more real when we consider how common it is, with one study reporting that 90% of adults report having “severe life regrets”(Bauer & Wrosch, 2011, p. 215) which lead to lower life satisfaction, more depressive symptoms, increased cortisol (body’s main stress hormone) output, and physical health problems (Bauer & Wrosch, 2011). One of the most prominent regrets the dying find themselves having, as recorded by a nurse working with patients in their last 12 weeks of life, is “I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me” (Steiner, 2012, para. 5).
If you resonate with any part of the previous paragraph, know that you are not alone. Because of the complexity of modern life, along with the constant pressures we experience, it is no wonder that the plague of our day is being unhappy and unsatisfied with our lives. Fortunately, all hope is not lost. It is possible to take back your position of “main character” in your life and feel good about the way you are living. Among the many ways one can aid with this goal, Engaged Living, or “consistently moving in the direction of one’s values” (Shearer & Warren, n.d., para. 1), is a great place to start. Below are some sure-fire ways to begin living in an engaged manner.
Getting to Work, Right Now
Perhaps the most important daily exercise for Engaged Living is doing something in line with your values for 20 minutes a day (Engaged Living Strategies Menu). Is it within your values that you develop your skill as a writer? Dedicate 20 minutes a day to writing that novel that you’ve thought about for years. Is being in a healthy, loving relationship with someone a large part of your life aims? Spend 20 minutes developing friendships, putting yourself in places to meet others, or working on your relationship with your current partner if you already have one. Twenty minutes might not seem like a lot, but remember:
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs…one step at a time. ”
Letting Go of Unnecessary Influences
Brené Brown (2022), a professor and researcher on shame, vulnerability, and leadership, created 10 guideposts to remind us what behaviors push us towards wholeheartedness and what behaviors take us away from it. The first two points suggest letting go of what people think and letting go of perfectionism. Of course, other people may occasionally have good suggestions for us on how to live. Parents, mentors, bosses, loved ones, and friends who know us might be able to see solutions that we cannot. However, in contrast to this healthy scenario, it is detrimental to let other people shape and guide the direction and purpose of our lives. Likewise, perfectionism can have a deathly grip on the throats of our lives. Remember that everyone is struggling in some way, yet some people are just better at hiding it than others are.
Focusing on That Which Brings Joy
Regardless of how you cut the cake of life, there will simply be some activities that are more meaningful than others. Although it is very important to secure resources for oneself and loved ones, work—or, rather, working too hard during life—was the second most common deathbed regret (Steiner, 2012). Like work, there are many activities in the world which seem like they will bring joy, but cannot. In approaching different values and Engaged Living strategies, one could benefit from asking, “Does this really matter in the end?”
Engaged Living is a severely underrated mindset in today’s world. There has likely never been a time in the history of humanity that contains as much dissatisfaction, lack of attention, distraction, and confusion as our time does. I invite you, the reader, to rise above the shackles of an unintentional life, and, through engaged living, become the main character in your story, right now! By doing so, you will be one of those lucky few who are able to peacefully rest, enveloped in the warm knowledge that you accomplished—to the best of your ability—what you were meant to do with the time that you had.
“No one saves us but ourselves. No one can and no one may. We ourselves must walk the path.”
References
Bauer, I., & Wrosch, C. (2011). Making up for lost opportunities: The protective role of downward social comparisons for coping with regrets across adulthood. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 37(2), 215–228. https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167210393256
Brown, B. (2022). Ten guideposts for wholehearted living. https://brenebrown.com/resources/ten-guideposts-for-wholehearted-living/
Shearer, J., & Warren, J. (n.d.). Engaged Living. My Best Self 101. https://www.mybestself101.org/engaged-living
Steiner, S. (2012, February 1). Top five regrets of the dying. The Guardian. https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2012/feb/01/top-five-regrets-of-the-dying