By Marinne Hammond
“You just call out my name
And you know, wherever I am
I’ll come runnin’
To see you again
Winter, spring, summer or fall
All you have to do is call
And I’ll be there
You’ve got a friend”
Have you ever reflected on the number of people you’ve met throughout your life’s journey? Try to think of an exact number. Most likely, your head hurts from trying to do this–we come across a myriad of people every day by simply stepping outside our door. Now, how many people would you say you can really count on, those people who would drop everything to help you jumpstart your dead car battery or move into your new house? The number of people you thought of in response to my first question probably decreased significantly, but I’d venture to say that the actual significance of the people you thought of in response to my second question increased.
Personally, the people I can count on are also the people I share my joys and sorrows with. In other words, these are the people I think of when I listen to James Taylor’s timeless song “You’ve Got a Friend.” For me, these people include a few dear friends, some cousins, my grandparents, and, of course, my immediate family. Without these people in my life, I believe my happiness would take a real plunge downward, and I don’t think I would even want to find out how this would feel. We each have our own reasons why we wouldn’t want to let go of our loved ones. We would all probably complete the phrase “Without this person, __________” differently.
Although we may have unique reasons for why we admire a certain friend, research suggests that compared to each other, we all can reap similar benefits of friendship. One study analyzed data from a survey in Italy of over 25,000 people, from those as young as 18 to those as old as 64 (Amati et al., 2018). The researchers found that friendship and high life satisfaction had an association. Specifically, life satisfaction was linked to friendships of quality. This may be the case because friends who are supportive towards and close to each other, giving as much as they take from each other, demonstrate a friendship high in quality (Amati et al., 2018).
Psychology professor Sonja Lyubomirsy (2007) explains the relationship between happiness and friendship very similarly. Again, she emphasizes that relationships and happiness go together. Lyubomirsky (2007) adds to this finding by explaining that relationships link to happiness “bidirectional[ly]” (p. 138). In other words, where you find someone happy, you’ll probably find that they also have friends. Conversely, where you find friends, you’ll probably find that they are happy, too. Like the study by Amati et al. (2018), Lyubomirsky says that quality relationships can make us happier and that this is part of a true “upward spiral,” where happiness from quality relationships helps one to obtain more quality relationships, again increasing their happiness!
I think what we can learn from both Amati et al. (2018)’s study on friendship and Lyubomirsky’s work is that while we might not have total control over everything in our lives, we can control how we treat our relationships. Taking the time to care for the people around us is not trivial; if we think of our friends as plants in a garden that we water and give light to, we just might find that the care we’ve put into being a good friend has paid off in the best form of currency: happiness!
Now, I’d like to share a couple personal experiences that have forever changed the way I see friendship.
I remember watching the movie A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood in a theater. There is a scene in which Mr. Rogers, played by the wonderful Tom Hanks, sits at a restaurant with a journalist named Lloyd. Lloyd has been struggling with some unresolved family trauma and suffers emotionally because of this. In the middle of the restaurant, Mr. Rogers tells Lloyd to pause completely; he says: “We’ll just take a minute and think about all the people who loved us into being” (Heller, 2019). Throughout these 60 seconds, Lloyd becomes emotional, after which Mr. Rogers thanks him for participating in the exercise with him. If you can “take a minute”, too, I’d invite you to watch this part of the movie:
This scene touched my heart deeply. It's amazing how just 60 seconds of reflection on the relationships you’ve had throughout your life can allow you to feel so overwhelmingly loved. Mr. Roger’s 60-second exercise has taken on a special meaning for me. One night, I remember feeling pretty lonely. I was off on my own, away from home for one of the first times in my life. In this moment of isolation and fear, images began to flash through my mind’s eye of the people who have loved me into being: my parents, my best friend, and my grandparents, to name a few. While I was still uncertain about my future, the comfort I felt from these images helped me to carry on and endure through the loneliness I felt. If you ever feel forgotten or alone, I encourage you to take Mr. Roger’s advice and stop to reflect for a minute. Like Lloyd, and like me, you may be surprised by just how many loving people have touched your life.
This is not to say that all relationships are perfect or that everyone has the best support circle they could ask for. If the relationships you have or have had aren’t ideal, or you’re struggling to form rewarding relationships, don’t give up. We and those important to us are all flawed. Despite this truth, I really believe that as humans, supportive friendships are essential to our emotional survival and wellbeing. Life with all its challenges is rocky sometimes, but knowing that some pretty special people have my back, “winter, spring, summer or fall,” makes all the difference for me.
To learn more about the psychology behind relationships, visit our supportive relationships module.
“Things are never quite as scary when you’ve got a best friend”
references
Amati, V., Meggiolaro, S., Rivellini, G., & Zaccarin, S. (2018). Social relations and life satisfaction: The role of friends. Genus, 74(7), 1–18. https://doi.org/10.1186/s41118-018-0032-z
Heller, M. (Director). (2019). A beautiful day in the neighborhood [Film]. Big Beach Films;
Tencent Pictures; TriStar Pictures.
Lyubomirsky, S. (2007). The how of happiness. Penguin Books.
Movieclips. (2020, March 9). A beautiful day in the neighborhood (2019) - I don't think you are broken scene (7/10) | Movieclips [Video]. Youtube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9AzXX_2BrVk
Taylor, J. (1976). You’ve got a friend [Song]. On Greatest hits. Rhino/Warner Records.