Interconnectedness and Personal Relationships

The Interconnected Self

We connect, or rather are interconnected with everyone. Sometimes we feel it profoundly and sometimes not at all. But whether we realize it or not, we are involved in a web of interconnections from birth till death. This feeling of connection is often what drives us as humans to make so many big decisions. Where we want to live, who we want to work for, and who we choose to date and marry are all outcomes of our connection, or lack of connection, with others. Throughout this section, we’ll discuss why this connection is so important and how it can make you into the person that you’ve always wanted to be. 

You might feel that thinking of yourself as one part of the vast web of humanity will diminish or take away your individuality. We often associate our individuality with freedom—the freedom to do what we want, when we want, with no strings attached to anyone else. Ironically, acknowledging the reality of interconnectedness in our world can help us to gain a new sense of freedom. For example, Alan Watts (2019) describes a term in Hinduism and Buddhism called mokṣa. Mokṣa can be translated into the word liberation. In the context of mokṣa, this liberation is that freedom someone attains when they “wake up” and see that there is so much more than their individual self—-in other words, there exists a Self with a capital S, a Hindu concept defined as “the totality of all being.” Not only does mokṣa free one to acknowledge the Self, but it also allows one to realize that all that is within the Self is interconnected (Watts, 2019). Therefore, our initial definition of freedom—ability to do what we want with no strings attached—is an illusion. You simply are attached to the web of life regardless of your personal preferences. However, an interconnected self is still a self, a person that can have unique hopes, dreams, and behavior. By recognizing our interconnectedness, we don’t lose our individuality, but instead gain new depth in our understanding of selfhood. 

How We’re All Connected

We’re going to map out your life—-take out a piece of paper and a pencil, write your name in the middle of the paper, and draw a small circle around it. Next, add the members of your family of origin—-parents and siblings—-and connect yourself to them with lines. Then, write the names of your extended family, and connect yourself to them. Perhaps if you are close to them, their circle is closer to yours, or the line connecting you is thicker. If you have a spouse, partner, or significant other, add them to your map. (Add previous ones, too, since they have surely influenced you.) Add in your partner's family and your children, if you have them. Add members of your local community—-school, church, clubs, hobbies. Add people you work for or work with or have worked for or with in the past. On the edges of your map, add people that you interact with but don’t know well—draw a line between them and you since you connect to them. What if you added all the people you’ve ever interacted with? Or all the people you have ever seen in a video or whose writing you’ve read or whose creations you have used? You would have an almost limitless web of connections—-all people you have touched or who have touched you. And if we continued the web, adding everyone that these people had ever connected with, we would soon include everyone who ever existed! 

Something that is really important to remember in the context of trying to be connected with others is to have compassion for them. The word compassion literally means “to suffer with”, which indicates that there is interconnection in the difficult things that we all experience. Dr. Kristin Neff has done a lot of research into how common-humanity and compassion are related. On her website, she has a section titled “Embracing Our Common Humanity With Self-Compassion” where she says the following: 

“When we’re in touch with our common humanity, we remember that feelings of inadequacy and disappointment are universal. This is what distinguishes self-compassion from self-pity. While self-pity says ‘poor me’, self-compassion recognizes suffering is part of the shared human experience. The pain I feel in difficult times is the same pain that you feel in difficult times. The triggers are different, the circumstances are different, the degree of pain is different, but the basic experience is the same.” 

When we recognize that we’re all interconnected, our ability to feel compassion for others increases. From this compassion, we can strengthen our relationships and deepen our connections. Ultimately our everyday experiences with difficult thoughts and emotions are shared with the rest of humanity. By connecting with others, we can learn to recognize that we share a common bond with the rest of humanity; this connection can improve our own well-being and the well-being of those we love. 

How We Impact Others 

While we don’t get to choose whether or not we are connected to others, we can decide how we are connected to others. Our words and behaviors can have a big impact on the people we care about; this impact can be positive or negative depending on the way we act. We’d like you to think back to the first time you had a mentor of some kind take special interest in you. They could be a school, church, or extracurricular leader. This individual may have made you feel special or capable, and may have even pushed you towards some of your proudest accomplishments. Now think of what it would have felt like to instead have been demeaned, belittled, or ignored by this person—how would your life be different? Every day, we have the same opportunity to influence people in this same way. Our behaviors can pull us towards or away from other people, and our words can help or hinder their ability to flourish. 

How We’re Changed by The People Around Us

As much as we can have an impact on the people around us, so can they have an impact on us. You’ve probably heard the quote by the speaker Jim Rohn, “you’re the average of the five people you spend the most time with” or the derivative, “show me your friends and I’ll show you your future.” While not taking away the ability that we have to make our own choices, it is still so important to recognize that we are directly influenced by the people that we spend the most time with, either by choice or otherwise. You’ve probably seen it in your own life: you meet someone new, start spending increasing amounts of time with them, and all of the sudden you start to pick up on their mannerisms. Without even meaning to, you’re saying things that they say and you’re doing things that they do; and vice versa! They start to pick up pieces of you too. Knowing this, aren’t you more motivated to choose good friends and to be a good friend? 

This short meditation by Sharon Salzberg is a great practice to remind us who has impacted us and how they’ve done that. 

Salzberg ends this meditation by saying “we’re really reuniting with ourselves in this moment.” As we think about the people around us and how they have impacted us, we can learn more about ourselves and who we want to become. Connecting with people in your life and building strong and supportive relationships is one of the best avenues for us to learn, change, and grow. When we turn outward to others to ask them for help, advice, or to receive encouragement, we can grow so much and become better people.  

When we can’t find it in our own lives or from ourselves, we can absolutely rely on others to help us find meaning and identity. In the early 1990’s there were Mercedes-Benz plants all over the world and they were doing very well. Well, all of them except for the one in South Africa. This plant had really slow production times, low employee morale, and overall poor engagement. The plant wasn’t sure what to do—-until it was announced that Nelson Mandela was going to be released from prison in February of 1990. The people running the Mercedes-Benz plant had the idea to build a car for Mandela! Once they received approval for it, the discussion of payment was brought up. The workers at the plant were so excited to be making a contribution to Mandela that they decided they would volunteer an hour of their time, unpaid, every day, in order to get it done on time. This is coming from the same people who had the lowest production numbers in the entire company! The workers were so excited to be building this car for Mandela that they danced and sang their way through it. When they finally completed the car and were ready to present it to Mandela, they went behind the car, dancing and singing their way in a parade all the way to him. After this car was built and presented, the production numbers of this plant increased to match and even surpass the numbers of the other plants, and has stayed this way since then. 

Before this experience, the Mercedes-Benz workers weren’t engaged or excited about their jobs. They didn’t find any meaning in the work they were doing, and this is why production numbers were so low. Once they connected with a purpose, something greater than themselves, they were able to be so much more engaged in their work and in their lives. We can do the same thing! While we probably won’t have the opportunity to build a car for a great political leader, we can absolutely attribute greater meaning to the more mundane parts of our lives. For example, if you like running, you could find a race to run that’s connected with a charity you care about. Or, if you like painting, you could find a place in your community to paint a meaningful mural. When we connect the things that we are already doing to something that is so much greater than us, we subsequently feel more connected to the people around us. 

There are so many opportunities for us to find meaning and feel interconnection in the things that we’re doing, especially when we’re combining our efforts to connect with better social relationships. Both of these things have the opportunity to enhance our well-being and help us to be more fulfilled and happier humans. In addition to this, when we find meaning and connection in the more mundane parts of our lives, we can find ourselves to be more engaged in all parts of our lives.