Barriers to Social Connection

A common theme in recent scientific literature is that the Western world is in peril when it comes to having close, supportive relationships. Trends show that we are an increasingly lonely society. For example, from 1985 to 2004, the number of people who said they did not have anyone to confide in nearly tripled, and the average social network size decreased by one third. Twenty percent of people in the U.S. (millions!) consider loneliness a “major source of unhappiness in their lives” (Vedantam, 2006). What’s more, people marry later in life or not at all, volunteer less, participate in fewer social groups, and entertain people in their homes less often than in the past. The current divorce rate in the U.S. is 40-50%, and even higher for subsequent marriages. Furthermore, various studies have shown that in cultures where individualism is highly valued, suicide flourishes (Eskin et al., 2020). All these trends point to the notion that people in the U.S. are increasingly failing to connect socially.

One reason for the decrease in social connection may be the emphasis that Western culture places on individualism. Studies suggest that in individualistic societies where freedom, control, and self-sufficiency are highly valued, community, family, and religion are less important (Benjanyan et al., 2015). And because these traditional values are no longer sought after, communities are dissolving. People are spending less time with friends and neighbors, and leave their homes more often to go to school or to find work. In fact, the average American moves 11 times in a lifetime and many change jobs at least that many times (US Census Bureau, 2021). In addition, we spend too much time working. In her book The Overworked American, Juliet Schor (1993) explains that citizens in the U.S. work more days and hours than any other country in the world. More and more, people are striving for financial success at the expense of nurturing social connections.

Another reason for the recent decline in good, meaningful relationships may be that we are too distracted by our technology, including smartphones. In her book Reclaiming Conversation, Dr. Sherry Turkle (2016) argues that people’s constant connection to their technological devices has led them away from in-person conversation, empathy, and deep connection in relationships. Phones create fragmented conversations as people drop in and out. Children compete with smartphones for their parents’ attention, and friends and coworkers can no longer expect to have each other’s undivided attention during meetings and get-togethers. Would you believe that the average American checks his or her phone every 6 ½ minutes? It’s true! Being constantly distracted by digital devices means we are forever somewhere else, and it makes real and meaningful conversation difficult. While smartphones help us stay connected to those who aren't physically present, they often prevent us from connecting with those who are.  

Perhaps all of these factors—individualism, leaving home, overworking, and a constant connection with technology—play a role in leading us further away from each other. Whatever the reason, an increase in loneliness and a lack of supportive relationships is extremely destructive for the health of society and individuals, especially children. If children don’t learn how to connect emotionally with a caregiver, they will most likely have problems making social connections the rest of their lives. The culture of Western individualism doesn’t always recognize how important we are to each other, but scientific research does. The good news is, it’s never too late. You can make a difference by working to improve your own relationships. The next section will teach you how.