Strategies to Enhance Your Relationships

Connecting with others is part of human nature, but sometimes creating these moments of connection can be a challenge. We do all kinds of things that hinder us from building strong, healthy, supportive relationships. We misinterpret, misunderstand, say things we don’t mean, let our quick reactions dictate our responses, and more. No one is perfect—everyone could use some guidance in how to nourish and strengthen their relationships with others. Too often people buy into the myths that the media perpetuates—that once you find that right person, you’ll live happily ever after. This false belief leads people to search for the perfect relationship; when in reality good relationships are built, not found. Tal Ben-Shahar wisely counsels, “More important than finding that right person is investing in your relationship.”

So how do we become more connected? How do we cultivate the relationships we have and create new ones? Luckily, researchers have asked these same questions and have discovered some answers to these crucial questions. In this section we will discuss 6 strategies for strengthening your relationships, from siblings and spouses to coworkers and friends. Some of these strategies include exercises you can do to put what you learn into practice. There is a lot of great research-based content here; take your time, consider the specific strategies that would be most helpful for you, and make a plan for how you will practice them!  

1. Practice Being Emotionally Present and Responsive  

This strategy comes first because being attentive and responsive is the basis of building good relationships. Each of us has a deep need and desire to feel understood, recognized, and affirmed by others. In his book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen R. Covey (2007) says that next to physical survival, the greatest need of a human being is psychological survival--the need to be understood and appreciated. When we are ignored, rejected, or don’t receive the validation we crave, we feel hurt and disheartened. Everyone wants to be accepted and valued for who they are—quirks and all! This particular strategy will teach you how to make others feel understood, validated, and cared for, which has the power to strengthen your relationships immensely.

Being emotionally present and responsive has several parts. It includes a) being aware of others, b) listening empathically, and c) responding in a constructive way. These three components work together to build a solid foundation of trust and establish a history of positive interactions between two people. 

First and foremost, be aware of others. If you don’t even realize when people are making an effort to connect with you, how can you really work to improve your relationships? John Gottman (2002)—one of the world’s leading researchers on marriage and relationships—says that relationships are shaped in everyday moments as people bid for emotional connection. In his words, “A bid can be a question, a gesture, a look, a touch—any single expression that says ‘I want to feel connected to you.’”  Relationships are cultivated as you respond positively to bids for connection. But before you can learn to respond effectively, you have to be aware of when others want to feel connected to you. As such, there are several sub-skills that help with this kind of interpersonal awareness:     

Beat Distraction 

One reason people miss bids for connection is because they are distracted. Imagine this: A young boy comes home from school bursting; he is so excited to show his mom that he got an “A” on his math test after they had spent hours studying together earlier that week. He flies through the door, drops his backpack, and runs into the office to find his mom sitting at her desk, eyes fixed on the computer screen. He begins to tell her about his accomplishment, but she doesn’t really look up from her computer and tells him she is in the middle of something. The boy walks away feeling crushed, and the excitement of his success diminishes. Now of course his mother could ask him about his test later, but a crucial opportunity for connection has passed, and it will be hard to recreate. 

Does this scene sound familiar to you? Most of the time we don’t ignore each other’s emotional needs out of animosity, but because we are being mindless. We are unaware people are attempting to connect with us because our attention is elsewhere.  More and more, children are expressing disappointment with parents who pay more attention to their smartphones than their kids. If you think you might be too distracted by technology, notice when you become absorbed in technology and make conscious decisions to turn your attention away from the screens. Then focus your attention on the people in your life. Create device-free spaces such as the car or the kitchen where technology is not allowed and conversation can be uninterrupted.

If technology is not the culprit of your distraction, identify what distracts you most. It could be work, a project, a hobby, or perhaps you are just thinking too much about yourself and your problems. Whatever your distraction is, practice shifting your attention away from it and instead, focus on your loved ones. Attention is a powerful tool; where we place it shows what we value. Imagine how important and valued your loved ones will feel when you give them your undivided attention! 

Recognize Bids in All Their Forms

Another reason people miss bids for connection is because they don’t recognize a bid when they see it. Bids are not always delivered in a clear and concise way. A bid may be something as obvious as, “Would you like to get lunch sometime?” to something more covert such as, “I’m the only one who ever cleans up around here.” While one is an upbeat invitation and the other seems like a reprimand, the intent behind them is the same—both people are seeking emotional connection and support. Bids come in many forms. They can be questions, comments, completely clear or totally cryptic, funny, serious, physical, verbal, nonverbal, and more. 

For better or worse, human communication is very complex and highly intricate. Often times we don’t say exactly what we mean because we are afraid of emotional risk, of feeling vulnerable. To avoid vulnerability, we mask our true feelings by using tactics such as humor or words with double meaning, and we end up saying things that are vague or difficult to interpret. Then, because we don’t express our direct interests, needs or desires, the message is misinterpreted. 

Think about the people in your life. How do they ask for your love and support in your daily interactions? Do they joke, ask to spend time with you, or ask for your opinions? Do they share their interests and experiences with you? Perhaps they get mad at you or criticize you when you aren’t there for them. Write down a few bids for connection that you noticed in your interactions today. They happen more often than we think. The more you can see these daily interactions as simple invitations for connection, the better you will be able to respond to them effectively. If you are interested in learning more about recognizing and responding to bids for connection, check out John Gottman’s (2002) book The Relationship Cure.

Look for Deeper Emotion and Meaning

Because we can’t hear what someone else is thinking or feel exactly what they’re feeling, we understand others by what they say and what they do. In other words, we come to understand people’s inner thoughts and feelings by observing their outward behavior. We can learn a lot about someone by listening to what they say and watching what they do. The only problem with this method of understanding is that people don’t always reflect on the outside exactly how they feel on the inside. Think about it. Have you ever successfully hidden how you were feeling by acting differently on the outside? We all have! If we don’t look for the deeper emotion and meaning hidden underneath outward behavior, we can miss bids for connection.
As we have discussed, each one of us has a deep need to belong and a strong desire to feel liked, loved, accepted, and understood by others. When these needs go unmet in relationships, conflict can arise. Sometimes the conflict is attributed to smaller issues when in reality the problem is that one or both people don’t feel emotionally safe. Here is a funny example of what this kind of conflict might look like in a relationship: 

Dr. Sue Johnson, author and couples therapist, says that one of the first steps in her therapy sessions with couples is to help them realize that they are both emotionally attached and dependent on each other in much the same way a child is attached to their caregiver. Once they have this understanding, they can then identify the destructive cycle they are trapped in and begin to mend their relationship. Like Dr. Johnson’s patients, if we can recognize that we are all dependent on each other for psychological survival—love, acceptance, and belonging—then we can begin to understand each other more deeply. 

Sometimes we don’t acknowledge our own needs for emotional connection, and our deeper emotions become camouflaged as anger or sadness. Make an effort to see underneath outward behavior, and try to discover the hidden emotions and attachment needs in yourself and in others. Being aware of these needs and desires can really help you connect on a much deeper level. 

The second part of being emotionally present and responsive is to listen empathetically. Really listening to others is perhaps one of the best things you can do to strengthen your relationships, but it’s something many people struggle with. Remember the DMPFC, the mentalizing system in the brain? This system allows us to take other people’s hopes, fears, goals, and intentions into account. It helps us put ourselves in another’s shoes and imagine things from their perspective. In other words, it helps us empathize with others! The problem is, we don’t use our mentalizing systems as often as we should. Instead, we use simpler methods of listening that don’t require as much effort. Below are some examples of poor listening styles emphasized by Covey. Notice if any of these are a common practice for you (so you can replace them with better skills!):

• Ignoring. Ignoring happens when we don’t care to listen or respond at all. Sometimes we do it on purpose, but often we ignore others because we space out! Our minds wander, we get distracted, and we end up ignoring people when we don’t mean to.

• Pretending to listen. This happens when we give generic responses like “yeah” and “uh-huh” to make it seem like we are paying attention, when in reality we aren’t. We may be responding, but the other person can usually tell pretty quickly that we aren’t paying attention at all.

• Selective listening. This happens when we only hear the parts of the conversation that interest us and we ignore the rest. With this listening style, we can end up completely missing the point of what the other person is trying to say.

• Word listening. This occurs when we pay attention to the words being said, but not the body language, emotions, or meaning behind the words. This kind of listening leads to misinterpretation and we may miss the real intention behind the words.

• Planning, judging, thinking (at the expense of listening). We also tend to plan responses, make judgments, or think about things from our own perspective while others are talking. When we are preoccupied with this kind of self-centered thinking, we aren’t really listening or trying to understand the other person.

Have you ever caught yourself doing some of these things while others are talking? We’re all guilty of being poor listeners from time to time. However, if you use these poor listening styles too often, people won’t want to open up to you because they won’t trust that you care enough to really listen. Fortunately, being a good listener is a skill that can be learned. 

Perhaps one of the best ways to make someone feel understood and validated is through empathic listening. The term empathic comes from the word empathy. Having empathy means being able to understand and relate to another person’s thoughts, feelings, and experiences as if you were experiencing them yourself. This type of listening requires a true desire to see things through another person’s eyes and to understand their perspective even if you don’t agree with them. Empathic listening involves authenticity, openness, and listening with the intent to understand rather than to respond. 

To listen empathically, first you must set aside your own point of view and be open to another way of thinking or feeling. Then, watch the person’s body language and listen to their words and tone of voice. Stephen R. Covey writes, “In empathic listening, you listen with your ears, but you also, and more importantly, listen with your eyes and with your heart. You listen for feeling, for meaning.” As you keep an open mind and truly seek to understand other people, your relationships will be strengthened.

After you have become aware of others and learned to listen with empathy, the last part of being emotionally present and responsive is to respond in a constructive way. So often we respond to others with advice, criticism, judgment, and other replies that are perceived negatively. Think of a time when someone pointed out one of your flaws or something you did wrong. You probably didn’t appreciate it or feel a desire to change. No one likes to have their weaknesses pointed out. Now this is not to say that you should never criticize or give advice. In fact, doing so is a part of life and those conversations are sometimes necessary. The problem emerges when we fail to listen before we respond.

Theodore Roosevelt once said, “People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.” How true that is! People are much more willing to listen to your input if they first perceive that you genuinely care for them. So how do you respond in a way that shows you care? How do you convey interest and empathy in conversation? This first exercise will help you practice doing just that. In this exercise you will learn how to respond positively to someone who shares good news with you.

Exercise 1: Making the Most of Good News

(Lyubomirsky, 2008)

This exercise will help you understand what aspects are needed in conversation to convey interest. Practice responding in a constructive way to a positive event that your friend or partner shares with you by following these instructions:

• Listen actively: make eye contact, nod, use agreeing phrases like “uh-huh,” “yeah,” or “mm-hmm”

• Mirror the person’s enthusiasm using authentic expressions of excitement and interest

• Show positive emotion through smiling and laughing

• Ask questions about the details and the significance of the event

• Comment on potential benefits or implications that may come (or have come) from the event

• Reintroduce the positive event in a later conversation

All of these responses—making eye contact, nodding, smiling, mirroring the person’s emotions, asking questions, etc.—show the speaker that you are interested in what they have to say. It shows them you care. In addition to showing interest, expressing empathy--validating someone’s emotions and telling them you understand—can be very powerful in conversation. Stephen R. Covey (2007) says that the best way to empathize with others is to rephrase content and reflect feeling. This means taking what the person said and putting it into your own words and recognizing what the person is feeling. Here are a couple examples of how to do this:

Son: “That’s it, I am never playing the clarinet again!”

Father: “You sound upset. (reflecting feeling) You don’t want to be in the band anymore?” (rephrasing content)

 
Friend 1: “That was the best night of my life!”

Friend 2: “Wow, I don’t think I’ve ever seen you so excited! (reflecting feeling) It must have been an incredible date! (rephrasing content)

Mother: “No one goes anywhere until this kitchen is spotless!”

Daughter: “You sound upset, Mom. (reflecting feeling) Is it the dirty dishes in the sink?” (rephrasing content)

Try expressing empathy in your next conversation by reflecting feeling and rephrasing content. You may be surprised by what happens. Doing this can help break down the barrier between what’s going on inside and what is being said. It also allows a person to open up and really get to the root of an issue. For more practice with conveying responsiveness and empathy, give exercise 2 a try!

Exercise 2: Noticing Responsiveness in Others

This exercise will help you see what being an active listener and a responsive conversation partner looks like. You don’t have to watch the whole video, just watch at least a few minutes of this interview with Oprah Winfrey and Simon Cowell. Write down some of the things that Oprah does to convey interest and empathy, and how she makes Simon feel comfortable talking about his thoughts and feelings. Think about these questions: What does Oprah say to show her interest? What does her body language communicate? What is she doing with her eyes, hands, and posture? What does her tone of voice communicate? How does she show empathy?

Showing interest and empathy in conversation helps the listener feel more understood, validated, and cared for, which in turn boosts individual well-being and relationship satisfaction. In fact, people who convey interest and empathy in conversation are able to get others to open up to them more easily and create deeper connections. Furthermore, responding empathically to others may also have long-term benefits. Children whose parents empathize with their emotions and teach them how to respond to emotion have better relationships with friends, better physical health, less behavioral problems, score higher academically, and are more resilient in the face of distress. Showing empathy to someone does not mean you have to accept misbehavior, it just tells the listener that you understand and care for them.

Now that you know how to respond constructively, here is a short list of things to avoid in conversation:

• Don’t give unsolicited advice. It’s natural to want to help your loved ones solve a problem they are having. However, it usually is not a good strategy to give advice right off the bat. First empathize with their emotions, then you can ask if they would like some advice.

• Don’t turn the attention back to yourself or change the subject. This tells the listener you don’t care what he or she has to say.

• Don’t ask “Why?” In a discussion about how someone is feeling this may sound like a criticism. Instead ask, “What makes you think that?" or “What makes you feel that way?”

• Don’t play devil’s advocate. If someone tells you about something wonderful that happened to them, don’t be negative, focus on potential downsides, or minimize the event.

Being emotionally present and responding positively to others’ bids for connection is a powerful strategy, but it does not mean that you need to be emotionally responsive all the time. Researchers recognize that doing so is nearly impossible. However, the more you respond positively to bids for connection, the more satisfying your relationships will be, and the more likely your loved ones are to forgive you when you can’t be emotionally present. 
 

2. Spend Time Together

We live in a busy, distracted world that makes it difficult to find time just to enjoy each other’s company. However, if you make an effort to set aside time in your schedule to be with the people you love, you will experience more joy and fulfillment in your relationships. Here are a few things you can do:

• Do something new together. Novelty produces heightened levels of arousal and creates shared memories. Try a new food, learn a new skill, work on a project together, or go to a place you’ve never been before. The possibilities are endless! If you can’t think of anything, consult the Internet. There are lots of great ideas out there that cost little or no money. Check out this blog for ideas.  http://tinybuddha.com/blog/50-creative-cheap-ways-to-have-fun/

• Create routines to reunite. With family, spouses, and roommates, be there during times of reunion—waking, going to bed, leaving and coming home. Say sweet goodbyes and good nights. Reunite by eating breakfast every morning, talking about your day, or going on a walk together. Be creative! For those you don’t live with, you can create rituals such as annual family reunions, weekly lunches with a friend, or daily gym attendance with a coworker. Create your own rituals together and follow through with them.

• Schedule and protect. If you find yourself constantly in a time crunch but you want to invest time in your relationships, schedule time together. Pick a date and time when you’re both available and don’t let anything else get in the way of this precious time! For couples, have a regular date night each week; treat the time as sacred. Having worked through this module, you know that investing in good relationships may be the single most important predictor of your long-term well-being, so guard your relationship time like your life depends on it (according to the research, it does!).

3. Be Known

As humans we crave intimate connections with others. Greater intimacy is achieved through self-disclosure—sharing one’s personal thoughts and feelings with another person. Having opportunities for self-disclosure is critical to any close friendship, and without them we feel lonely. We are much more satisfied in our relationships when we feel known and accepted for who we are without fear of losing the other’s affection.

To achieve greater intimacy and closeness in your relationships, make an effort to know someone else more deeply and also to make yourself known by sharing your thoughts and feelings with them. Ask about their dreams and goals, fears and fantasies, and strengths and weaknesses, then tell them about yours. As you do, listen intently and be genuinely interested.

John Gottman creatively coined the term “love maps” to describe the part of your brain where you store all the information about the life of someone you love. He recommends you be intimately familiar with the other person’s world by expanding your love maps. To get you started, click on the link and follow the instructions to play the “Love Maps 20 Questions Game.” This game is tailored to couples, but it can be played by anyone. Simply skip any questions that are not applicable to you.

Exercise 3: The Love Map 20 Questions Game

Love Maps: The Gottman Institute

* If you would like a guide to help you create a love map for your child, check out Gottman’s book The Relationship Cure.

The next exercise is also from the Gottman Institute and will help you get to know each other on a more intimate level. You will talk about your fondest dreams, greatest successes, and deepest sorrows. Click on the link to find the questions and remember that these questions are not meant to be completed all in one sitting. Pick a few at a time to work on together.

Exercise 4: Who Am I?

Who Am I?: The Gottman Institute

As you come to know your loved ones on a deeper level, your friendship will grow and your relationships will be strengthened.

4. Practice Kindness Through Service

Science and religion agree that serving others brings happiness and joy, to both receivers and givers. Helping others feels good! It is intrinsically rewarding, even when doing so brings us closer to someone else’s distress. It is natural for humans to want to help others, and we often do it at our own expense and without thinking about what we might receive in return.

In intimate romantic relationships (especially marriage), generosity and sacrifice are necessary. Those who are more willing to make sacrifices to meet their partner’s needs are likely to experience high marital satisfaction and positive emotions when they are performing daily acts of service. Plus, couples who are generous towards each other are more likely to be satisfied in their marriages and have less conflict.

Practicing acts of kindness is a great way to increase your overall happiness and the enjoyment you derive from your relationships. There are an infinite number of ways you can do something kind for someone. You can give your time, money, or skills by washing someone else’s dishes, weeding, helping a child with homework, donating to a charity, or helping with a friend's home improvements. The ways you can serve are endless, and they don’t have to be big or elaborate. If you don’t know what to do, look around in your home, your workplace, and your community. Watch how this mom and her son find ways to serve in their community!:

An important point to make is that not all acts of kindness are created equally. Many of us have experienced the joy that can come from serving willingly, and the resentment that results from feeling obligated or forced to do something for someone. In her book, The How of Happiness, Sonja Lyubomirsky gives several specific guidelines to follow in order to reap the greatest benefit from performing acts of kindness for others:

• First, timing is important. Lyubomirsky recommends picking one day a week to perform a handful of small acts or one big act. When your small acts of kindness are spread throughout the week, you may not even notice them and their effect may be diminished.

• Second, pick acts of kindness that are new, special, or out of your comfort zone. Counting the service you always give as your acts of kindness is not likely to boost your happiness.

• Next, vary what you do. Variety is the spice of life! If you do the same acts of kindness all the time, it will probably feel more like a chore or something to check off your to-do list.

• Lastly, create balance. If your acts of kindness are too small they won’t boost your happiness and if they are too big they can become a burden. Find a happy middle ground.

Showing kindness and generosity to others allows you to see people more positively and to be more comfortable with others’ pain and suffering. It is also a good distraction from your own troubles. Seeing other people’s trials can help you develop gratitude for your life by comparison. One of us (Brittany) notes that she has experienced an increased appreciation for her life when she has worked in orphanages in countries burdened by poverty or listened to refugee children tell her about their experiences. What’s more, acts of kindness tend to have a ripple effect—when others witness or hear about acts of service their desire to do good deeds increases too! It only takes a small gesture to lead to another, and doing small things regularly can make a big difference in your relationships. 
 

5. Cultivate Fondness, Appreciation, and Affection

Many of us do not express our fondness, appreciation, or affection to others nearly enough. How many times do we think positive things about others and keep it to ourselves? Or, rather than withholding compliments, maybe you don’t even notice the wonderful things your friends and family do for you, or realize how lucky you are to have them in your life. Maybe you tend to focus on their faults and criticize them for their mistakes. If this is you, don’t worry—it’s quite common—but it is something you can work on to significantly improve the quality of your relationships.

Imagine the transformation that could happen if you could learn to maximize your positive thoughts about others and minimize the negative ones. A good way to begin is to scan for qualities and actions in others that you can appreciate, especially if you are experiencing conflict or ill feelings towards a person. Ask yourself, "What traits do I admire in this person? What have they done recently that I appreciated?" If you’d like to you can write these qualities and actions down in a journal. If you can begin to see others' strengths instead of their weaknesses, you are well on your way to cultivating fondness and appreciation for others.

 Another good mental strategy is to think of a positive statement about a specific person and repeat it in your mind several times during the day. For example, “I am genuinely fond of this person,” or “I can easily remember good times in our relationship.” If you rehearse your statement enough, the thought will become second nature and you will be able to see this person in a much more positive light. Training your brain to see the good and to emphasize the positive can be very powerful in changing your perspective and boosting your happiness. [For more information, see our module on Optimism.] 

However, the important part of this strategy is expressing your positive thoughts to others through words and actions. Doing so may feel awkward at first, but it makes the listener feel understood, cared for, and validated, and can greatly increase relationship satisfaction. The next exercise will help you express your appreciation to someone. Give it a try! Click on the link and find the section entitled “Exercise: I Appreciate.”

Exercise 5: "I Appreciate..."

Creating a Culture of Appreciation: The Gottman Institute

Thanking or praising someone for something you are grateful for has been shown to be even more powerful than showing gratitude toward yourself in increasing happiness and boosting relationship satisfaction. See our Gratitude Module to learn more about the power of these practices.

6. Work Through Conflict

Because we are all unique individuals with our own perspectives, values, and attitudes, it is impossible to completely avoid conflict in close relationships. However, researchers have discovered specific tools we can use to navigate through conflicts more smoothly and stay away from arguments that are highly damaging.

First, take a softer approach. In other words, bring up problematic topics in a gentle ways that don’t make the person feel like they are being attacked. When you blame, criticize, and approach problems negatively, you end up driving the person away. John Gottman gives several tips on how to do this. Here are a few of them:

• Begin statements with “I” instead of “You.” This helps you describe how you are feeling instead of blaming the person for the problem.

• Be polite by adding phrases such as “please” and “I would appreciate it if…”

• Focus on the problem by describing what you observe. Don’t bring up perceived character flaws and avoid statements such as “you always…” or “you never…”

Next, If you are arguing with someone and you feel emotionally and physically overwhelmed, take a break. Do something soothing to take your mind off of the conflict and then come back to it when you are calm.  

Lastly, and perhaps most importantly, be open minded. If you are willing to listen to other points of view and accept some influence, you will find conflict much easier to tackle. Letting go of pride and conveying honor and respect are important for successful relationships. So be open to considering other positions, and be willing to make compromises. 

If you are interested in learning more about managing conflict, especially with a spouse, check out John Gottman’s book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. In addition, if you find yourself experiencing a lot of marital conflict and distress, you may benefit from marriage therapist Dr. Sue Johnson’s book Hold Me Tight.

We have presented 6 strategies based on scientific research to help you cultivate your relationships with others. While all this information may be overwhelming and appear complicated, it really isn’t. Even kids understand how to show love. Watch this inspiring and heart warming video for some great insights, including: “Loving someone is like a lot of eye contact”!