By Rachael Fuhriman
I have always viewed my uncomfortable thoughts or emotions as my enemies. I don’t know about you, but I have never heard someone utter the phrase “I like feeling anxious, stressed, sad, angry, and incompetent.” In fact, if I heard someone say anything that insinuates that they relish painful emotions or unkind intrusive thoughts, I would probably have to stifle a scoff and resist an eye roll. That being said, I have recently discovered that I don’t need to see my uncomfortable emotions as barriers to the peace or happiness I believe we all long for. In fact, trying to stomp out the pests that seem to invade our minds sometimes makes them swarm even more abundantly.
There is a name for non-judgmentally acknowledging the existence of thoughts, emotions, and experiences: mindfulness. An acronym that helps me understand the concept of mindfulness a little better is RAIN.
Recognition - Notice the uncomfortable thought or emotion that you are currently experiencing.
Acceptance - Acknowledge the existence of the uncomfortable experience and accept its presence in that very moment. Resist the urge to try and control the thought or emotion.
Investigation - Take a deeper look at what you are experiencing. How is your body reacting to the discomfort? What is the cause (if any) of your current suffering? What are other thoughts and feelings that accompany what you are currently experiencing?
Non-identification - Try to not attach meaning to the uncomfortable thought or emotion. Thoughts are just thoughts…they are not always indicative of actions, and they do not mean anything about your identity. (For example, if I do poorly on a math test, that does not necessarily mean that I am stupid or horrible at math; I simply did poorly on that test.)
To help illustrate how I have applied a mindful awareness of my own thoughts and emotions, I would like to share an example from my own life.
I was recently talking to a friend about the uncomfortable thoughts, emotions, and traits we were experiencing. We started thinking about a metaphor:
Imagine all your thoughts, emotions, and character traits as guests you have over for dinner. They knock on the door and one by one and start entering the house. You smile at Love who tends to glow a little. You give a high-five to Ambition and avoid eye contact with Procrastination. Last but not least, Fear (or any other emotion you are currently trying to battle) shuffles through the door. Fear looks like a gray blob and tends to take up way too much room. He also smells bad, makes too much noise, and is not all that considerate. He makes Peace sit on the floor so he can take her chair at the head of the table. You get that sinking feeling in your stomach as he sits down. Fear demands that you feed him—and you generally do.
However, this time you stop and look around at all the other guests there. Contentment, Gratitude, Hope, Determination, and Love. They may not be as loud and demanding, but they’re still there in the house that is your mind. You can make the decision to nourish the kind thoughts. They will grow stronger when you acknowledge their existence and listen to them speak.
Fear, Doubt, Anger, Frustration, Sadness, and Loneliness will always come and go, but that does not mean you must devote all your time and energy to them. Thank them for coming; they’re not trying to hurt you. Fear is there because he believes he will protect and prepare you. Doubt is there because she wants you to find what is true. Anger is there to shield Vulnerability or Pride who may also be present. Frustration wants you to succeed. Sadness and Loneliness can help you value Happiness, Peace, and Love a little more. They’re not there to hurt you. You can acknowledge them and then pay more attention to the guests you want to visit more regularly.
When you pay attention and nourish the positive emotions, they will come back more and more often. Experiencing both positive and negative emotions is part of being human. It is important to recognize that nobody is immune to uncomfortable thoughts, and nobody is incapable of nourishing helpful ones so that they become more prominent participants in our daily lives.
Like I did in the paragraphs above, it has been helpful for me to label negative emotions and contemplate the growth and richness that has or will come into my life as a result of their existence. I encourage you to try this exercise with the emotions that seem to be giving you the most trouble. You could consider using anxiety, sadness, hopelessness, self-criticism, anger, resentment, or loneliness. Here are some examples of how I do this exercise.
Fear’s purpose:
My fear is here to protect me, motivate me, and strengthen me. Our ancestors experienced fear to safeguard them against predators in the wilderness. A common characteristic of fear is the fixation on uncertainties of the future. The anxiety that surrounds school, work, religion, identity, family, health, or safety can be reminders of the significance of those things in my life. Fear often targets that which is important to me, so recognizing its presence can help me recognize what I value too. Next time I experience fear, I want to acknowledge its presence and attempt to thank it for trying to keep me safe and reminding me of what is most important in my life.
Self-criticism’s purpose:
I believe that sometimes I am self-critical because I want to succeed so badly. Deep down I believe that I have the potential to perform well, otherwise I would not be so disappointed in myself when I fail. I compare myself to other people because I want to be good. I know how much I value kind, hardworking, loving people; therefore, I expect that of myself. I want to nourish self-compassion a little more in my self-critical mind.
Loneliness’s purpose:
Loneliness helps me recognize how much I cherish the presence of other people. Loneliness has the potential to help me take advantage of and value the time I have with family and friends. Loneliness also helps me relate to other people when they are struggling, helps me to be a better listener, and motivates me to surround myself with good people.
To summarize, mindfulness can help us acknowledge and accept our uncomfortable thoughts, emotions, and experiences. Rather than trying to suppress or change them, we can focus on how they are part of the human experience and are not there to harm us. Positive thoughts, emotions, and feelings are also part of the human experience. We can acknowledge their presence in our lives too and try to focus on helping them flourish.
I don’t want to make the claim that positive thinking is the solution to all our negative thoughts and emotions—it’s not. As someone who has been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, I personally understand how difficult it is to see the value of fear when I am experiencing its full intensity. However, I do not like feeling scared, so I am trying to practice using my fear to my advantage rather than letting it control me. I also want to acknowledge that mindfulness may not work for everyone and even if it works for you, it may be helpful to use these techniques in addition to therapy or medication depending on what you personally need. We are all unique individuals and your journey to accept your thoughts and emotions will be different from mine! However, I firmly believe that exercising mindfulness has the potential to be life changing. It is my goal to be diligent in practicing it and I am determined to not see my emotions—such as fear—as enemies in the future.