Dealing with Perfectionism The Hurt of Feeling Like You’re Not Enough
By Alyssa Richards
Okay, so you’ve read the title—do you already feel winded? Over the past decade especially, our neighborhood conversations, religious addresses, clinical research articles, and yes, even the blog posts have caught the bug to warn about the detrimental effects of this phenomenon. Why? Let’s compare it to a nasty virus—yes, kinda close to home right now, I know—that is spreading very subtly and feeding off of the fear inside us. Okay… too far? Just indulge me for a moment. It’s fueled by its environment—the modern era of advanced technology, social media, entertainment, competitive markets, and individualistic societies. And yes—at ease with the drama for a second—people are losing their lives because of it. The clinical risk among us has been labeled by researchers and clinicians as “toxic perfectionism.”
Why do you suppose, then, that we react to perfectionism as an honorable or even desirable illness to have? Face it: when you hear a friend of yours say, “I’ve been such a perfectionist lately,” this rarely translates to: “Lately, I feel like I have no self-worth and that I will never measure up”. Instead, we commonly hear the self-inflated translation: “Wow, I just wish that I wasn’t so darn thorough and that I didn’t care so much to excel at everything in life.” This may seem extreme, but try paying attention to your own reactions when people bring up perfectionism and you’ll be surprised. This may happen because a “perfectionist” used to exist to us as someone at the top of their class, excelling at five different sports, raising beautifully successful children, landing at 65 years old with minimal wrinkles and a hefty retirement, etc. Over the years we have certainly romanticized these “go-getters”. But I can assure you: there is nothing romantic about the pain from distorted thinking that can slowly infect your well-being—yes, just as insidiously as a virus.
We’ve made a lot of progress over the evolution of this term. Teams of therapists and psychologists have spread clinical research meant to clarify the difference between getting caught in perfectionism and pursuing personal growth. See the Self-Compassion module for more details. One myth that has been debunked is that “perfectionists” work hard to attain their definition of what perfection is to them. At a first glance, you may agree with this. Examining further, those who are wading through the deep trenches of “toxic perfectionism” have no interest in the term “perfect”. They are in survival mode against all the pestering directives orchestrated by their inner self-critic. Striving for perfection is actually more characteristic of those who pursue personal growth. This is a complex debate in the research right now. The following may help you understand the difference between striving for excellence and struggling with self-critical thoughts.
People with a perfectionist mindset...
Experience a constant dissatisfaction with self and others
Believe there is a certain end point in which they will reach a state of “good enough.”
Are afraid of taking risks in fear of failure.
Live with an inner critic or bully that defines what it takes to be good enough.
Are more susceptible to a number of mental disorders.
Experience increased levels of neuroticism.
People with a personal growth mindset...
Are more willing to acknowledge their weaknesses as a starting point.
Believe perfection is unattainable and therefore there is no end to personal improvement.
Are more willing to take risks because they understand that failure is a part of life.
Are motivated by a growth mindset (motivated by mistakes).
Experience increased outcomes of well-being.
Experience increased levels of conscientiousness.
Everybody’s got a self-critic. It’s the negative stream of thoughts that fly through your conscious awareness at any given moment. Thoughts such as: “You shouldn’t have said that to her,” “You should be better at this,” etc. Just as our neural pathways or our muscles grow in strength as we use them, these thoughts become louder and louder the more we seek for the advice. Why would someone seek advice from their self-critic? Because often, these directives don’t sound very critical—they seem helpful for those not feeling good enough. To best recognize these thoughts, ask yourself what “if, then” statements you’ve heard in your thoughts today. Some examples may include: “If I’m the first to arrive at the office, then I will be the best employee,” or, “If I can stay out of debt, then I will be successful.” This voice is the heart of toxic perfectionism.
Effects of Perfectionism on Well-being
Correlation with anxiety, depression, eating disorders, OCD tendencies.
Can increase counterfactual thinking and habits of procrastination.
Can create an unhealthy sleep schedule and negatively affect one’s quality of sleep.
Can decrease levels of compassion, optimism, hope, and purpose.
Increases hedonic adaptation (the tendency to adapt fairly quickly to a positive new event or circumstance in our lives, thus decreasing the satisfaction and happiness we gain from it).
Increases the propensity to value material possessions and accomplishments.
Increased levels of stress (higher cortisol = BAD).
Effects of Perfectionism on Relationships
If all you have is critical energy, that’s all you can give to others. This creates multiple barriers between one’s spouse, family, coworkers, and friends.
Propensity to create pseudo connections with others due to selfishly seeking for feelings of self-worth.
Decreased amount of empathy for others.
Disbelief around social accomplishments or praise of others.
Inability to easily enjoy and focus on the present moment.
That’s a lot to take in, right? Don’t worry; there’s hope. I am proposing a significant mental switch that each of us can make. Instead of hearing “perfect” in the word perfectionist, I hope you begin to understand its real source: the pain of feeling like you’re not enough. There are great resources out there to help us make this mental switch. See my experience below.
Strategies That Have Helped Me
Self-Compassion: This has been my number one resource. The following strategies within the Self-Compassion Module on mybestself101.org have helped me to begin the healing process.
Deep Belly Breathing: On my most stressful day, I notice my breathing is shallow and my abdomen is tight. Simply doing a 5-5-5 breathing technique while I’m driving can communicate a sense of safety and peace to my body. This can change the rest of my day.
Mindfulness: There are countless techniques to help you be more aware of your mind and body. I first began with the art of slowness. As you complete small cognitive tasks throughout the day (walking to school, packing your lunch, washing your face, etc.), do so in a very intentional and distinct manner, as if have never done it before. This has helped slow my thoughts, decrease my anxiety, and rewire my brain.
Meditation: I use an app called Insight Timer, but there are dozens of other apps and websites that can be very helpful. I’m excited to try the 10 day course called Overcome Perfectionism Through Self-Compassion on Insight timer.
Affirmations: The following affirmations have really helped me rewire my brain: “We are all equal in worth”, “I am patient with myself”, “I have divine worth”, “I allow the movement of time”, and “I believe in myself”.
“Thank Your Mind”: This is an exercise of Acceptance Commitment Therapy (ACT). Instead of reacting to pestering thoughts with frustration and angst, I simply respond out loud to these thoughts with phrases like “thank you”, or “okay”. For example, I had a hard day at work and I feel bad already. Then I hear the thought “You will never be good enough unless you start making more money.” I then respond with “okay”, which allows for this thought to come in and then out of my consciousness. Confronting it at the door of your mind helps you see its distortion for what it is.
Exposure to Nature: Perfectionism can swallow you cognitively. Nature has helped me jump out of my head and into my senses, increasing my perspective of common humanity, equality, and most importantly gratitude.
Keep a Journal: This is my lifeline to staying positive. Each night I count my successes, validate my worries, walk through my distorted thoughts, and end with gratitude. Doing this regularly is a great way to practice a growth mindset.
Living in Abundance: Perfectionism is like living in a state of scarcity. As I have focused on what I have been given—instead of what I lack—I better understand that, just by living and breathing, I am enough.
Dive into the research: Each of the following books have changed my life, and I have barely scratched the surface of the many resources on understanding personal worth.
Self-Compassion by Kristen Neff
The Untethered Soul by Michael Alan Singer.
The Work By Byron Katie
Jodi Hildebrandt Podcasts from Connexions Classroom
Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown
Pursuit of Perfect by Tal Ben-Shahar
I Thought it Was Just Me (but it isn’t) by Brene Brown.
Wherever you fall between toxic perfectionism and living in a state of constant personal growth, I invite you to ask yourself what stream of messages you’ve been listening to from your inner self-critic. As we live in an understanding of our unchangeable worth, we will feel sustained peace within. This will remove negative barriers in our relationships and allow space to enjoy increased well-being.