By Rachael Fuhriman
I was recently considering what I believed the secret to happiness is, and I concluded that a significant answer would be vulnerability. Now before you give up reading right there, I ask you to consider what vulnerability is and what the possible benefits of it may be. Vulnerability can be simply defined as the ability to be easily hurt or influenced—physically, emotionally, or mentally. If you are like most of humanity, nothing in that definition sounds appealing. Opening yourself to the possibility of being wounded is a scary thing, and sometimes people even view it as weakness. We spend a lot of time building up walls and showing others what’s going well in our lives rather than what’s not.
A couple years ago, I had a period in my life that was extremely difficult for me. The constant changes and stress I experienced during this time led to the manifestation and increase in severity of a mental health challenge I hadn’t known existed. Things continued to worsen, and I finally had to turn to a professional for help. Through speaking with him, I was able to put a name to what I was feeling. Although I experienced an immense sense of relief and hope through understanding myself better, I did not want other people to know what I was struggling with. I did not want to be viewed as broken—or less deserving of love—because of my personal challenge.
I know that my story is different from yours. Maybe the thing causing pain in your life is the result of low self-esteem, family issues, money (or lack thereof), heartbreak, loss, feelings of inadequacy, or toxic perfectionism. Whatever it may be, learning the value of vulnerability can have many positive consequences in your life. As humans, we have the innate desire to belong and to be loved. However, I believe a common misconception is that, if people knew what our secret struggles were, our chances of being loved or feeling connected would be severed. We may find ourselves thinking, “If I share this fear, they will think differently of me,” or “He will think I am a failure because *insert very disappointing thing here* happened.” We tell ourselves that nobody wants to hear about the messy things in our lives, the result being an Instagram feed full of smiling people with their perfect hair, perfect clothes, and perfect lives. We avoid vulnerability to protect ourselves from embarrassment, misunderstanding, or further pain.
As I was considering words that describe vulnerability, I decided some would be love, courage, compassion, and gratitude. Love for yourself despite knowing your flaws or hardships perfectly and love for others through understanding them more. Courage to open up to other people. Compassion for those around you as a result of understanding. Gratitude for challenges that make vulnerability possible. With vulnerability comes the ability to develop deeper connections with others, and ourselves. That being said, there is often a time and place for vulnerability. Sharing things close to the heart is beautiful. However, such an action should be the result of trust. There is a balance between shutting people out completely and fire-hosing everyone with details of the difficulties in your life. Being vulnerable takes practice, and every situation is different.
I am happy to report that I am still working on being vulnerable, but my life has changed from my willingness to be open with what is hard for me. I have formed profound, deep relationships due to vulnerability. Remember that you are courageous for your willingness to be open about your insecurities, dreams, fears, and struggles. When you stop to really contemplate the value of imperfection, you will start to recognize the necessity of it. Without imperfection, heartache, loss, and pain, there would be no deep connection that can only come from lifting another or being the recipient of compassion. Humans need pain so they can experience love. An increase of love comes from an increase in understanding, and the willingness to be vulnerable is a necessary first step in helping that love bloom. As my girl, Brené Brown (who is a researcher of vulnerability) put it: “In order for connection to happen, we need to allow ourselves to be seen—really seen.”