By Lori Char
You pass the magazines in the store. Each cover has a model with perfect proportions. Hair glowing and tousled by the wind. Their makeup is perfect, and clothes are from the newest, most fashion-forward runways. You look down at your stained sweatshirt, and shoes with a hole in the right toe. How sad.
You are at school and get an email saying that test scores have just been released! Excitedly you open up your school portal, but pause before clicking on your grades because you’re nervous. You studied extremely hard. Your mind flashes back to the late nights going over notes for the twentieth time. You remember all of the times you met with the TAs to ask questions. You open up your score. You got an 87%. You’re disappointed with yourself. Are you just dumb? Maybe you’re not meant for school. To top it all off, the class statistics show that you are below the average score. Wonderful.
You are cozy in bed. It’s been an extremely long week. You’ve taken three midterms, haven’t been sleeping well for reasons you can’t figure out, and you just want it to be Thanksgiving break already! As these thoughts are going through your mind, you hear an alarm going off in the distance… an alarm that’s been going off for 20 minutes now AFTER you accidentally hit snooze. Shoot! You’re late for work! As you spring out of bed, throw on some clothes, pop in a breath mint, and sprint out of the door, you realize it’s 30 degrees and, in your rush, you forgot your jacket. However, it’s too late now—you’ll just have to brave it. Out of breath, you run into work about to start a profuse apology when you realize that everyone is sitting in the conference room and every eye is on you. Not only were you a bit late today, but as luck would have it, you ran into the middle of the monthly office meeting. Completely hopeless, you think. Deflated, you take a seat in the corner chair.
Sound familiar?
Fun times, right? I think to some extent we all can relate to the embarrassment, frustration, and discouragement that mistakes can bring. However, there is a better way to respond to our blunders than self-criticism, self-judgment, and self-hate. Because while we don’t all make these exact mistakes, we all do make mistakes! It’s part of being human.
In these moments where discouragement takes hold and we feel the weight of our inadequacies, there is a remedy that if applied fosters growth and development of character. This remedy is self-compassion.
Against popular misconceptions, self-compassion is not narcissistic, selfish, lazy, or taking pity on oneself. It is extending the same love, acceptance, and kindness that you would give to a good friend in need.
Think of it this way.
If you have a box of band aids and your friend got a small cut, you would feel concerned (well, hopefully), ask how you could help, and carefully apply the bandage. However, if you were the one to get a cut, what would you do? Grab some dirt and rub it in? Of course not! And yet, as ridiculous as this sounds, sometimes this is exactly what we do emotionally to ourselves when really, we should give ourselves the same care that we would give to a good friend. Rubbing dirt in a cut never made it heal faster, and likewise applying self-criticism and judgement do more emotional damage than good.
“You yourself as much as anybody in the entire universe deserve your love and affection.”
Research supports the benefits of practicing self-compassion. Harvard Health published that, “Forgiving and nurturing yourself can set the stage for better health, relationships and general well-being. Self-compassion yields a number of benefits, including lower levels of anxiety and depression.”
So where to start?
Well, luckily, there isn’t one right way to practice self-compassion. There are many ways. You might consider writing yourself a letter where you write to yourself as you would write to a friend. Another powerful practice is simply placing your hands over your heart in a gentle manner. Or you can practice mindfulness, through guided meditation or by simply stopping and taking a nonjudgmental inventory of how you are doing. One of my personal favorites is taking a mini-vacation every day. Do something you love and appreciate all of the amazing things that your body can do for you! All of these practices are great ways to start giving yourself the kindness that you deserve.
You deserve love. You deserve to be happy. And it’s time that you know that.
Additional Resources:
Tara Brach Leads a Guided Meditation: The RAIN of Self Compassion
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wm1t5FyK5Ek
The Space Between Self-Esteem and Self-Compassion
https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=744&v=IvtZBUSplr4&feature=emb_logo
Apps to try:
Calm
Mood Notes
Insight Timer