Developing Self-Compassion Through Major Life Changes

By Chauntay Earl

In a world of constant political and social changes, it is becoming increasingly important to develop attitudes and practices that fortify resilience. Self-compassion is a practice that can be developed at any point in life, and it becomes critical when a bump in the road comes along and forces emotional and physical adaptation. This could include moving away from home for the first time, getting married, starting a new job, or any other experience where there are new expectations and new relationships that need to develop. 

For me, self-compassion became critical when I first got pregnant. My first trimester, like many other women, was three months of throwing up and body aches. My husband was supportive and helpful, but I felt the difficulties of body changes that accompany pregnancy. I had limited opportunities for exercise—something I had loved before pregnancy but that now made me nauseated and tired. It became necessary to remind myself how to love myself and take care of my emotional state the way a friend would. Rather than submitting to the self-shame that previously came with needing naps in the middle of the day or needing to make academic and employment adjustments, I took time every day to remind myself that I was doing well and was managing this beautifully. 

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Kristin Neff’s research on self-compassion shows that self-compassion can provide a buffer against negative experiences that happen in life. Rather than attributing the difficult times to personal failures or shortcomings, challenges are recognized merely for what they are—challenges. Even when difficulties result from the actions of an individual, the difficulties do not diminish the value of the person. This mindful separation creates a healthy, cognitive protection against the difficulties of life. 

Misconceptions About Self-Compassion

Self-compassion originates from Buddhist philosophy and is entirely focused on recognizing trials and understanding that you as a person are not alone in the difficulty. It is not an excuse to get off the hook or shirk responsibilities. Recognizing that an experience is difficult is not the same thing as deciding it is unimportant. It does not mean that responsibility is ignored or offset to blame someone else for things that happen in life. Instead, self-compassion promotes taking responsibility. Taking responsibility for difficult things that happen in life requires a level of emotional strength and stamina that comes as a byproduct of self-compassion. 

Self-compassion is also not a selfish practice. While there is a focus on the self, this does not translate to self-elevation. Rather, it allows the individual to become more compassionate and forthright with other people who are going through difficult times. Understanding and accepting difficulties in one’s own life is the first step to healing and should not be disregarded as unimportant or egocentric.

“Dear Me,”

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Self-compassion can be found in different forms of positive affirmation. Writing a letter to yourself about your strengths can result in a mood lift over an extended period of time, and studies show that these positive emotions can recur when the letter is reread. Critical elements of this letter include looking at the self from the perspective of a close friend. Before you write the letter, mentally prepare to be really kind to yourself. Think about someone that has always been there to support you—someone that told you he/she was proud of you, even when you messed up. Before you even write the letter, repeat those loving phrases to yourself. Remember that you are valued, loved, and respected as a person, independent of life outcomes. That way, when you sit down to write the letter, you’ll internalize and believe the things you write. The content of the letter should be focused on these same concepts of personal worth. Rather than focusing on the difficulties of life, this letter is supposed to focus on the things that you as the author are doing well. Reread the letter when you are feeling low, or start the process over and do it again for a refreshing experience!

Check out our Self-Compassion Module for more information on what self-compassion is and ideas on how to cultivate it!

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