By Chade Gonter
“The most terrible poverty is loneliness and the feeling of being unloved.”
There was a man who lived alone in the desert. Why, you may ask, did this man come to live alone in the desert? It was a conscious decision he made himself, led on by his growing impatience with silly quarrels, betrayals of friends, and bickering that inevitably came along with people. Wishing to escape society, he packed up his belongings and everything he owned to venture into the vast arid desert.
Alone he lived, and at first, he believed firmly that he had made the right decision. He spent his days eating alone and enjoying the peace he found in the silence of the desert. He found beauty in the shifting sands and amazement at the desert sunsets. Eventually, days turned into weeks and weeks to months. Soon the old man had gone years without even hearing the sound of his own voice, let alone someone else's. He began to feel an aching in his heart. A loneliness that gnawed at him, a loneliness that was beginning to overshadow any beauty the desert could provide. After many years, while walking through the warm sands near his lonely home, he came across a snake. At first, fear gripped his mind but soon subsided when the snake did not attack. It slithered close and simply observed the man. For reasons the man could not understand, he felt a connection to the snake. After all, they were both all alone in such desolate land.
Over time, the old man began to consider the snake a friend. He would go out of his way to feed the snake any scraps from his own meal, and soon the man felt he could trust this snake. He would tell the snake stories of the life he had before, of the people he knew, the towns in which he lived. He was able to say anything that came to his mind to this snake, and even though the snake could not reply, he was always there to listen. After many years, the old man had a reason to hear his own voice. He had someone (something) to talk to. One night, when the sun was set and the stars were shining bright as they always do in the desert, the old man held the snake close, his closest companion. Lulled to sleep by the lullaby of the soft desert wind, the old man fell asleep. Now, cold-blooded by nature, the snake began to wrap itself around the old man, seeking the warmth of his body.
With a sudden jolt, the old man woke up screaming. He looked down at his arm to see the snake had dug its venomous fangs into his tough desert-hardened skin, where the poison was now spreading to every part of his body.
“How could you do this to me? I thought you were my friend! I trusted you!” The old man screamed at the snake, but the snake simply looked at the old man the way it always did. From the very beginning, it had always only been a snake, driven by its natural evolutionary algorithms (Hint hint, this specific wording is foreshadowing into what we will explore later in this conversation). With his last breath, the old man lay on his back looking up at the desert stars, blood and venom congealing on his arm. He had mistaken his need for connection with a bond that was never really there. He learned his lesson too late; that isolation can drive us humans to unhealthy attachments while we are only trying to satisfy our need for connection. Loneliness can cloud judgment, and being alone is dangerous.
A dire ending for the old man; however, that is not the case for the rest of us! While loneliness is not good for us, we probably don't have to worry about getting killed by venomous snakes in the desert. But loneliness itself offers its own host of threats. Social isolation, or even the perception of isolation, can increase inflammation in the body to the same degree as physical inactivity (Yang et al., 2016). Poor social relationships, social isolation, and loneliness can increase your risk of heart disease by 29% and the risk of stroke by 32% (Valtorta et al., 2016). Among older adults, chronic loneliness and social isolation can increase the risk of developing dementia by approximately 50% (Lazzari & Rabottini, 2021). If these statistics don’t already demand our attention, consider this: living in isolation not only lowers our chances of survival but also raises the risk of premature death by 29%, making a lack of social connection as harmful as smoking up to 15 cigarettes a day (Holt-Lunstad et al., 2015).
We understand that not only being lonely, but FEELING like we are lonely, has negative consequences on our health. However, the main theme of the story of the old man isn't the dangers of being lonely, but what we resort to because we are lonely. Often when we are lonely, we look for connection to fill our natural need and affinity for love. It has been shown, over one of the longest studies ever done on happiness, that human relationships are what make us happy (Fuchsman et al., 2023). But what happens when we feel we cannot fill that need with community and connection? We turn to other sources. We turn to the snake.
Now the snake for everyone is different. Some of us play video games, spend more time at work, work out longer, or eat our favorite foods to fill the void of human connection within us. The problem with turning to other sources is they often only provide short-term relief. They help us feel better but can lead to increased loneliness over time instead of allowing us to move forward and foster healthy relationships with those around us. They are a band-aid that makes the wound it is covering up worse. Our need for love is persistent, but its availability is not. One snake that I want to talk about that exacerbates loneliness for many may be social media. The number of people using social media has increased from 5% to 80% over the last two decades, and along with that, the amount of time spent in person with friends has decreased by 70% (U.S. Surgeon General Advisory, 2023). WE ARE SPENDING TWO-THIRDS LESS TIME WITH PEOPLE THAN WE USED TO. We are not living alone in the desert, but we might as well be. We are learning now that social media can be detrimental to our mental well-being. The more time someone spends on social media, the more likely they are to experience a decrease in the quality of their real-life relationships and emotional well-being (Spencer Christensen, BYU, 2018).
The solution is less simple than it may seem. We can deduce that the answer is to simply not be lonely anymore, right? Easy. Fill our social connection batteries and call it good! However, this is easier said than done. The old man left for the desert for a reason. People are tough. Everyone wants love, but not everyone knows the best way of getting it. Fostering good relationships is a difficult business that takes work and energy. It's easier to pull up our phones than it is to confront a friend about the way they recently made us feel. To simply say “go make some friends” lacks compassion. Social media increases social anxiety, and for some, making friends feels impossible. So I suggest first making the decision that you want to be brave. Either brave enough to walk away from your snakes, overcome your social anxiety, or be brave enough to be an example and light to those that are starting with less than you. No matter what… you gotta be brave to be different, and changing what's normal today (being lonely) requires bravery.
If you are serious about taking on that challenge to set yourself up for a life of fulfillment, maybe think about checking out our module of supportive relationships and taking the time to work through it. I challenge you to figure out how to foster healthy social networks in society rather than running away to the desert to be with the snakes!
“What a lovely surprise to discover how unlonely being alone can be.”
References
Valtorta NK, Kanaan M, Gilbody S, Ronzi S, Hanratty B. Loneliness and social isolation as risk factors for coronary heart disease and stroke: systematic review and meta-analysis of longitudinal observational studies. Heart. 2016;102(13):1009-1016. doi:10.1136/heartjnl-2015-308790
Waldinger, R. J., Seidman, E. L., Gerber, A. J., Liem, J. H., Allen, J. P., Hauser, S. T. (2003). Attachment and core relationship themes: Wishes for autonomy and closeness in the narratives of securely and insecurely attached adults. Psychotherapy Research, 13(1), 77-98. https://doi.org/10.1093/ptr/kpg008
Fuchsman, Ken. "Harvard Grant Study of Adult Development: 1938–2022." Journal of Psychohistory 51.1 (2023).
Yang YC, Boen C, Gerken K, Li T, Schorpp K, Harris KM. Social relationships and physiological determinants of longevity across the human life span. Proc Natl Acad Sci U S A. 2016;113(3):578-583. doi:10.1073/pnas.1511085112
Holt-Lunstad, J., Smith, T. B., Baker, M., Harris, T., & Stephenson, D. (2015). Loneliness and Social Isolation as Risk Factors for Mortality: A Meta-Analytic Review. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 10(2), 227-237. https://doi.org/10.1177/1745691614568352
Lazzari C, Rabottini M. COVID-19, loneliness, social isolation and risk of dementia in older people: a systematic review and meta-analysis of the relevant literature. Int J Psychiatry Clin Pract. 2022;26(2):196-207. doi:10.1080/13651501.2021.1959616
Christensen, S. P. (2018). Social media use and its impact on relationships and emotions (Master's thesis). Brigham Young University. Retrieved from BYU ScholarsArchive.