By Andrea Hunsaker
“Doing is never enough if you neglect being.”
Slow Down
The tale is told of a fisherman in a small coastal town who sat dozing in the sun and taking in the glorious sea after his modest morning catch. A smartly dressed businessman touring the area noticed him lazily sitting around and asked why he wasn’t catching more fish. The fisherman replied that his catch was sufficient for his needs and planned to use the afternoon to play with his kids, nap with his wife, and go to the pub with his buddies. The businessman suggested that if the fisherman would use the afternoon to catch more fish he could buy a bigger boat, which would bring in even more fish.
“And then what?” the fisherman asked.
To which the business man answered that he could eventually buy more boats and with time and hard work he would have enough money to build a small storage plant, and then a pickling factory, and in a few decades, perhaps a restaurant.
“And then what?” the fisherman asked.
To which the businessman responded,
“And then you would be wealthy enough to sell your business, retire to a small coastal town, spend your afternoons dozing in the sun and taking in the glorious sea.” (Boll, 1995).
So, what’s the message here? Everyone quit your jobs and move to the beach? To me, this story speaks to the tendency to become addicted to over-doing and not knowing how to just be. How often do we rush through the day checking off items on our to-do lists, in the back of our mind thinking, “What do I have to do next?” Doing. Fixing. Controlling. There’s an underlying feeling of, “there’s something wrong and I have to fix it.” And what gets lost in all the doing is the art and joy of just being. Aren’t we human beings after all? Yet, I look around—and even in the mirror—and see a whole lot of human doings.
Being is Like an Inner Map
“It’s the being states that allow us to reconnect with what we most cherish.”
I went to ArtPrize with my daughter this weekend. It’s a fabulously chaotic art festival featuring 750 artists at 150 different locations in downtown Grand Rapids where 2 million attendees swarm the streets. There are food trucks, street musicians, huge sculptures, painted cars and this year someone dressed as a tree walking around on stilts. (Or, they seemed rather sturdy, they could have been sitting on someone's shoulders. I’m not sure…we didn’t get close enough because my daughter thought it was creepy). We intended to visit a friend's paintings and then spend half an hour exploring before heading out, but got sucked into the mayhem and didn’t find our way back to the car until 5 hours later. In the beginning we wandered, with no specific destination. But later, as our legs wore down, we started to pause, sit down for a bit, and consult the app that told us where we were on the map. These pauses gave us a chance to disengage from the commotion around us, rest our feet (one sign of over-doing is tiredness or exhaustion), and get our bearings. In the same way, taking a mindful pause to recognize where you are is needed to be effective in choosing where you want to go. When we create the space in our lives to pause, allow time to let the commotion settle, witness what is, and come home to our true selves, our actions can come from a place of connection with our inner landscape, and we’ll take steps in the direction of our true values. Parker Palmer said, “Before I can tell my life what I want to do with it, I must listen to my life telling me who I am.”
Tara Brach defines being as “when we’re not on our way somewhere else”. Being is a sense of connection and acceptance with what is and who you are in this moment, while over-doing might involve acting to change or improve something because you perceive yourself or your situation as unsatisfactory. Over-doing might serve to hide the parts about yourself you don’t like or to control or change others. And when we’re hiding from ourselves or trying to control others, we’re disconnected from ourselves and others.
I recently finished a Masters degree (yay!) and started a counseling practice (also yay!). And you’d think after all that doing I would have arrived at a fulfilling sense of accomplishment and could just be content for a while. But truthfully, I still feel a pressure to earn more certifications, improve, accomplish…And is that such a bad thing? Only if the doing is an attempt to cover or escape from the parts I don’t like about myself. If I’m striving for more accolades because I’m running from an underlying sense of unworthiness, no amount of degrees on my wall will fill that. But as I pause, connect with my inner life, notice thoughts of unworthiness as just thoughts, and connect with a deeper level of worth, then I can examine each opportunity for more learning and decide if I want to accomplish it based on my values instead of a distorted fear of not being enough. You might ask yourself the question, “When I’m over-doing, what am I trying not to feel?”
How to Be
Pathways to being can be a formal meditation practice, pausing to be mindful throughout the day, praying, savoring, or practicing gratitude. Spending more time in being states strengthens connections with not only our true selves but with others.
As a therapist, I often feel a greater connection with my clients when I simply be with them instead of trying to fix them. This looks like listening, not thinking of what I will say next, sometimes sitting in moments of silence together. One soul truly seeing and caring about the pain of another. Very often people need a non judgmental presence more than problem solving and answers. It’s when we are in a state of being that we can sense what others need.
Finally, one of my favorite pathways to being is Dr. Warren’s SCONE practice below which is a reminder to slow down, drop into mindfulness, and savor the moment. And if you really want to change your life, you might try Dr. Warren’s new mindfulness course (special discount for the next two weeks!). May we be first, then do, and be well.
References
Böll, H. (1995). “Anecdote Concerning the Lowering of Productivity". The Stories of Heinrich Boll. Leila Vennewitz (translator). Northwestern University Press. 628–630