By Krey Harris
“You can’t have a relationship without any fights, but you can make your relationship worth the fight.
”
I’m sorry to say, dear reader, that you have been the recipient of unhealthy relationship messages which have likely affected the way you live. Has anyone ever said to you, “When I met my husband, everything was easy.” What about, “You’ll know you’ve found that special someone when it feels perfect.” What about, “If he/she doesn’t do (fill in the blank) for you, leave him/her.” We often hear these messages from well-meaning friends or family members. Sometimes we can even accept these messages from social media or entertainment.
The reason these messages are hard to reject is because they have an element of fairness to them. Feeling like a relationship is easier than past ones can be a good sign, and we should absolutely have boundaries for unacceptable behaviors in a relationship. However, the messages written above have one common message which is arguably the bane of modern relationships, the leech of relationship satisfaction: I should look for someone else if I don’t always feel good in my relationship.
The idea that things should be perfect or something is wrong can leave us very lonely in our lives. People who are expecting a Disney happily-ever-after ending may run away from relationships which could have been incredible with more work. I worry that by talking about how Disney endings are unrealistic, you—the reader—may believe I’m saying that if we want to have a long term relationship with someone, we need to prepare to be unhappy and disappointed—not true! In fact, it is possible to have a happily-ever-after ending; it just doesn’t look like what you think it does. Below are ways we can achieve a real life happily-ever-after ending with our partners (and even friends and family).
Expect and Embrace Conflict
By choosing to be in a relationship with another human being, you have chosen to experience conflict. Between differing parenting in childhood, adverse life experiences, and past dating experiences, even the most compatible people will have a stark contrast of opinions with something. Some researchers have found that lasting, healthy marriages have a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions—that is five positives for every one negative (Benson, 2022). Instead of hoping to avoid conflict for the rest of our lives, we should adopt a more positive view of conflict where we see it as an opportunity instead of a failure.
Here are three examples of how conflict can be a good thing:
1- Conflict helps us see ourselves as others do.
Many of us have a fairytale view about ourselves in at least some ways. We often believe that we are much better or worse at things than we actually are. Conflict can be a great opportunity to see ourselves from the lens of someone who knows us deeply, yet isn’t clouded by self-perception. A spouse or family member telling us that we come off as condescending when handling a disagreement can come as a sting, but it is an important insight if one’s goal is self-improvement. The help of seeing oneself as others do is a hallmark benefit of being in romantic relationships. Just like a loved one can save us embarrassment after eating by pointing out that we have food in our teeth, a loved one can save us negative experiences in life by pointing out what things we need to improve on that we might not be able to see on our own.
2- Conflict helps us see others better.
Conflict also helps us understand things about our loved ones that wouldn’t have otherwise become apparent. In other words, conflict helps us address core issues instead of surface issues (Hall, 2017). We would do well to remember that the masters of marriage, the deepest of friends, and the most bonded of family members have passed through the furnace of conflict and grown from it. If what you really crave is deep, meaningful bonding with a partner, you need to accept healthy conflict as one of your vehicles to get there.
3- Conflict helps us grow.
Scholars have suggested that conflict promotes well-being, mental health, and self-expression (Laursen & Hafen, 2010). Additionally, conflict solving between friends was associated with improved problem solving skills, especially for those confronted with difficult challenges (Azmitia & Montgomery, 1993). Conflict is uncomfortable, but that’s because it helps us to grow. Just like it is painful to exercise our muscles, it is also painful to exercise our souls. However, just like the result of exercise is worth the pain, so is the result of personal and interpersonal betterment.
Conflict has been a blessing for me in my personal relationships. My friendships are richer, my romantic life is much more meaningful, and my family relationships are deeper. Although we shouldn’t seek out conflict in our relationships, we should treat it as an opportunity when it does arise. If you truly want a happily-ever-after ending in your relationships, you aren’t going to find it by never going through conflict with your loved ones. Rather, you will discover it piece by piece, growth experience by growth experience, until your relationships develop into a life-long bond that can stand the test of time and life.
Let’s get out there and benefit from some conflict!
References
Azmitia, M., & Montgomery, R. (1993). Friendship, transactive dialogues, and the development of scientific reasoning. Social Development, 2(3), 202-221. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-9507.1993.tb00014.x
Benson, K. (2022, August 8). The magic relationship ratio, according to science. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-magic-relationship-ratio-according-science/#:~:text=more)%20positive%20interactions.-,That%20%E2%80%9Cmagic%20ratio%E2%80%9D%20is%205%20to%201.,is%20inevitable%20in%20every%20marriage.
Hall, E. D. (2017, March 23). Why conflict is healthy for relationships. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/conscious-communication/201703/why-conflict-is-healthy-relationships
Laursen, B., & Hafen, C. (2010). Future Directions in the Study of Close Relationships: Conflict is Bad (Except When It's Not). Social development (Oxford, England), 19(4), 858–872. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-9507.2009.00546.x
“
Difficulties are meant to rouse, not discourage. The human spirit is to grow strong by conflict.
”