By Leini Jenkins
“We are like islands in the sea, separate on the surface but connected in the deep”
"Go big or go home," the saying goes – but is it all about "going big?" Could there be value in focusing on small instead? If we turn to society, media, and literature, we often find large and dramatic events that change the trajectory of a story. Grand gestures seem to create the most impact on relationships, and in history, it is the large-scale events that are highlighted. We celebrate incredible athletic feats, musical and theatrical accomplishments, and scientific discoveries, changing how we live and think. At the surface level, we might conclude that big things make the most significant impact. However, if we could take a closer look, we would see that, most likely, there were small things that led up to the big moment.
For example, John Wooden is a well-known college basketball coach. He won ten National Collegiate Athletic Association (NCAA) national championships in 12 years as head coach for UCLA. He won seven of those championships in a row, setting a record. He won several awards (also breaking records) for his outstanding accomplishments as a coach. Coach Wooden was also known for emphasizing what he called the fundamentals. He says, “I believe in the basics: attention to, and perfection of, tiny details that might be commonly overlooked. They may seem trivial, perhaps even laughable to those who don’t understand, but they aren’t. They are fundamental to your progress in basketball, business, and life. They are the difference between champions and near champions” (Wooden, 1997).
In another example, scientists investigating the resiliency of trees at the University of Washington Microbiology Department discovered that tiny microbes could be the ones to thank for their ability to withstand harsh environmental conditions. These microbes deliver nitrogen or excess water when trees communicate through chemical signaling that they need help, giving the tree the support, it needs (University of Washington College of the Environment, 2019).
I could list several more instances of the tiny being mighty, but one area that can significantly benefit from the small and simple is our relationships. You have probably heard that strong relationships are important to your health and well-being. Berscheid (2003) states that we are innately drawn to form strong, enduring, and harmonious relationships. The quality of our relationships is important, whether with a friend, partner, sibling, or neighbor. But what builds a good relationship? Connection repeatedly and consistently emerges as a fundamental aspect of relationships (Waldinger, as quoted in the Guardian, 2023). Feeling connected to others is a basic human need (Baumeister & Leary, 1995). Feeling connected to others brings benefits such as reducing stress, enhancing immune function, and helping people feel better about their lives (Chu et al., 2010; Cohen, 2004; Eisenberger & Cole, 2012; Lyubomirsky et al., 2005). Data from the Harvard University Grant Study (2017), known as the longest study on happiness, suggests that connection is powerful when it comes to relationships. In an article highlighting the study, Robert Waldinger, the director of the Grant Study, relates that the research consistently shows the power of connection (The Harvard Gazette, 2017). Dr. John and Julie Gottman, leading marriage and relationship researchers also claim that connection is crucial for quality relationships and can make or break a relationship (Gottman & Gottman, 2022).
If connection is so crucial, how do we cultivate connection with others to improve our relationships? First, the Gottmans (2022) explain that there is a common misconception about building connection. Many think that for connection to be meaningful or have a lasting impact, it must take hours of time. This is not the case. Dr. John and Julie Gottman (2022) argue that there are often many opportunities for meaningful connection on any given day; we just miss them. The Gottmans (2022) call these small moments of connection “bids for connection.” With each bid comes the opportunity to respond. The key is recognizing when someone is bidding and responding in a way that tells the other person you are turning toward their bid versus turning away or against.
Bids for Connection and Turning Toward
In order to recognize and respond to bids for connection, you have to know what it is you are looking for and how you might respond. Bids for connection can look like subtle expressions, such as a sigh, or a simple gesture, such as one person coming to sit next to the other. It could be a casual remark, question, or smile. Bids for connection require a turning toward response. What does turning toward look like? It is a positive or affirmative response. It includes acknowledging the other person and engaging with them, even if for a brief moment. There are two other responses the Gottmans (2022) point out as being harmful rather than helpful.
Turning away – this includes giving no response, ignoring, and actively choosing not to engage.
Turning against – this includes being irritable or responding angrily to intentionally shut down an attempt to connect.
Here is what it might look like in a real-life scenario (Gottman & Gottman, 2022):
Your partner (or family member or friend) is on their phone and remarks, "Oh, this is an interesting article." <- bid for connection
Here are possible responses:
You look up and say, “Oh yeah? What’s it about?” <-turning toward
You keep typing the email you’re working on while staring at your screen. <-turning away
You say, “Be quiet! Can’t you see I’m trying to work?!” <-turning against
Here is another example (Gottman & Gottman, 2022):
You are having a meal together, and your partner (or family member or friend) lets out a deep and audible sigh.
Here are possible responses:
You say, “Hey, is something the matter? You sound tired.” <-turning toward
You continue to eat and don’t give any acknowledgment to the bid. <-turning away
You say, “What’s the matter now?!” <-turning against
It is unrealistic to think you will be able to turn toward every possible bid for connection. What matters is being able to turn toward most of the time. In a study, 130 newly married couples were followed for several years. The data showed a significant relationship between how often partners turned toward each other and how happy they were in their relationship (Gottman, 1994). Couples with higher rates of turning toward were also more likely to stay married (Gottman, 1994). Couples who stayed together turned toward their partners 86 percent of the time compared to only 33 percent for those who did not stay married (Gottman, 1994). How their partners reacted to bids for connection was the most significant predictor of happiness and relationship stability (Gottman, 1994).
Returning to a previous example – the small acts of turning toward are like the bacterial microbes that help trees thrive. Bids for connection act like the chemical signaling from the tree that it needs help/needs connection. The more microbes on the tree (the more turning toward), the more likely the tree (your relationships) will survive and even thrive despite harsh conditions that may arise. Put another way, each time you turn toward a bid for connection, you deposit money into the other person's "emotional bank account." When conflict does arise, you will be better equipped to face it together due to the strong sense of connection you have built by accumulating all these moments of positivity (Gottman & Gottman, 2022).
When it comes to relationships, connection is vital, and the good news is that creating connection can be done through small and consistent acts of turning toward those you interact with. Small, seemingly simple interactions can make a big difference, have a lasting impact, and be meaningful. Just as focusing on fundamentals can make championship-worthy basketball teams, and tiny microbes can support massive trees to thrive, when it comes to connection building, think small.
“I define connection as the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship”
References
Baumeister, R. F., & Leary, M. R. (1995). The need to belong: Desire for interpersonal attachments as a fundamental human motivation. Psychological Bulletin, 117(3), 497–529. https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-2909.117.3.497
Berscheid, E. (2003). The human’s greatest strength: Other humans. In American Psychological Association eBooks (pp. 37–47). https://doi.org/10.1037/10566-003
Chu, P. S., Saucier, D. A., & Hafner, E. (2010). Meta-Analysis of the relationships between Social Support and Well-Being in Children and Adolescents. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 29(6), 624–645. https://doi.org/10.1521/jscp.2010.29.6.624
Cohen, S. (2004). Social relationships and health. American Psychologist, 59(8), 676–684. https://doi.org/10.1037/0003-066x.59.8.676
Eisenberger, N. I., & Cole, S. W. (2012). Social neuroscience and health: neurophysiological mechanisms linking social ties with physical health. Nature Neuroscience, 15(5), 669–674. https://doi.org/10.1038/nn.3086
Gottman, J. (1994). What predicts divorce? The relationship between marital processes and marital outcomes. Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.
Gottman, J., and Gottman J.S. (2022). The love prescription: 7 days to more intimacy, connection, and joy. Penguin Random House.
Lyubomirsky, S., King, L. A., & Diener, E. (2005b). The benefits of frequent positive affect: Does happiness lead to success? Psychological Bulletin, 131(6), 803–855. https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-2909.131.6.803
The Guardian. (2023, February 6). Forget regret! How to have a happy life – according to the world’s leading expert. The Guardian. https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2023/feb/06/how-to-have-a-happy-life-according-to-the-worlds-leading-expert
The Harvard Gazette. (2017, April 11). Good genes are nice, but joy is better. The Harvard Gazette. https://news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2017/04/over-nearly-80-years-harvard-study-has-been-showing-how-to-live-a-healthy-and-happy-life/
University of Washington College of the Environment. (2019, November 21). Small but mighty: five small things that have big impacts. College of the Environment. https://environment.uw.edu/news/2019/11/small-but-mighty-five-small-things-that-have-big-impacts/
Wooden, J. (1997). Wooden: A lifetime of observations and reflections on and off the court. McGraw-Hill.