By Sydney Christensen
“There is no love without forgiveness, and there is no forgiveness without love.”
Can we truly “let go” without compassion? Why do we need to have compassion if we weren’t necessarily in the wrong?”
A few of my friends described to me their exact feelings after they had been hurt by someone with the following words: “gut punch, annoyed, upset, frustrated, misunderstood, sad, broken hearted.” These are hurtful and strong emotions that can lead to resentment and more pain if we aren’t careful. It can lead to us holding a grudge. “Holding a grudge is when you harbor anger, bitterness, resentment, or other negative feelings long after someone has done something to hurt you” (The Mental Health Effects of Holding A Grudge). As we can see, it can get messy if we don’t choose forgiveness. But forgiveness only comes when we include compassion in the process.
There is a strong relationship between forgiveness and compassion. We all have had experiences where we have felt hurt by the wrongdoings of others. How will we react? Will we try our best to just forget it? Will we suppress the feeling until “it goes away”? Will our pride get in the way of accepting that we need to forgive? These are just a few examples of what some of our thoughts might look like before beginning the process of forgiveness. It can be really hurtful and painful to feel that you have been wronged, but at the end of the day, it’s our choice to decide what we will do next. This is when compassion comes in.
Due to my pride, it took me a while to understand that forgiveness and compassion are linked to each other. A couple years ago there was a time when I was struggling to forgive a few people in my life. These people weren’t showing any signs of remorse despite the pain they had inflicted on me. Feelings of resentment, hatred, pain, and vengeance started to consume me. I became solely focused and obsessed on the fact that these people that hurt me needed to change, and that it was their fault that I was feeling all of these strong and negative emotions. I always thought to myself, “They don’t deserve forgiveness! They aren’t even sorry for what they have done, so then why should I be the one that has to forgive?”
Why do we have to be the ones to forgive, even if it isn’t our fault? What if they don’t deserve it? The answer is compassion. It is as simple as that. During that same time, I remember reading a quote that said something along the lines of, “We forgive others for our emotional well being by easing the pain that we are experiencing.” This quote hit me hard, and it helped me to understand that in order for me to get past this pain, I needed to start forgiving and to start showing compassion to these people that had hurt me. In order to do that, I first needed to understand what forgiveness actually entailed.
Most of us know the definition of forgiveness, but when it comes time to apply it in our lives, it has a whole different meaning. “Psychologists generally define forgiveness as a conscious, deliberate, decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you, regardless of whether they actually deserve your forgiveness” (Greater Good Magazine). Forgiveness isn’t easy and it takes hard work. Forgiveness is best applied when using compassion. The 10 steps that follow will show different strategies on how to apply compassion during the forgiveness process (10 ways Forgiveness May Lead You to Compassion).
1. Forgive yourself first
- An important part of the forgiveness process is “to make amends to all persons we have harmed.” Once we’re able to forgive ourselves, it can become easier to forgive others as well.
2. Forgive but don’t forget
- Forgiveness isn’t promoting bad behavior of an individual. It’s setting boundaries for yourself for the future. “It is possible to forgive while acknowledging and grieving the loss.”
3. Confront and feel your hurt
- “What do you need to take care of yourself? This is an inner issue, not outer. Forgiveness begins when we powerfully grieve the losses experienced and let go. We then come out the other side—no longer freshly minted like a shiny coin, rather, worn, wiser, and ready to take on the day.”
4. Forgive for you
- “Put forgiveness in action to take care of yourself.” Even though this pain that we are experiencing might not be self-inflicted, we still deserve just as much happiness as the other person. Happiness and joy overbears any pain.
5. Forgive for psychological benefits
- “...studies that show forgiving others produces strong psychological benefits. In addition, brain studies show that forgiveness increases the ability to be empathetic.
6. Practice Forgiveness
- It is a great exercise that demands your attention. Consider reflecting on your daily thoughts, evaluating your feelings and processing your emotions.” Feel what you’re feeling but also be kind to yourself. If you feel consumed by the hurtful actions of yourself or others, take deep breaths and practice some of the other steps already mentioned.
7. Put yourself in the other’s person’s pain
- This can be very hard to do. This is when we need to use compassion. What have they been going through? How can I help them from hurting? We don’t know everyone’s situation as much as we think that we might, so as a result, we need to show them compassion.
8. Find Meaning
- “If you look closely, you will discover the lesson, or the gift, in your experience.” When in the thick of the process of forgiveness, it can be hard at times to see the light at the end of the tunnel. But if we trust in the process, with time we will see the light at the end of the tunnel.
9. Look for the positive
- “When you discover forgiveness, you also discover positivity, possibility and optimism, and the world opens up. Pessimism evaporates.”
10. Surround yourself with good folks
- Support from other people is a huge strength, especially when we’re going through the hard and long process of forgiving someone.
During my experience of having to forgive these people, I was able to use parts of these steps to recover and to move on. With the people that I was forgiving, I started to give them the benefit of the doubt. Some of my thoughts were, “Even though they might not be treating me the best, I know that they love and care about me deep down. They want the best for me.” As I was able to look at it from this way, it increased my compassion for these people. Then after lots of time and practice, I was able to fully forgive them, and wow, did I feel so much better after I did! I felt like a huge weight and burden had been lifted off my chest. It was one of the best feelings I had ever experienced.
Even though I was able to fully forgive these people completely, that doesn’t make me perfect at forgiving. There are still many times where things come up and I have to start the process all over again. I have to remember to be compassionate. “…describes compassion as ‘an emotion experienced when individuals witness another person suffering through serious problems…it includes acceptance, understanding, and forgiveness’” (My Best Self/What is Compassion?). To learn more about compassion to help with the process of forgiveness, click here.
As long as we remember the relationship between forgiveness and compassion, we are able to move past the pain and become stronger. I have experienced this first hand and if I was able to do it, you can do it too.
“Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.”
References
N. (2018, July 18). 10 ways forgiveness may lead you to compassion - interventionist: Licensed Professional Family Interventions. Interventionist | Licensed Professional Family Interventions. Retrieved from https://www.allaboutinterventions.com/2018/07/18/10-ways forgiveness-may-lead-you-to-compassion/
What is compassion? My Best Self 101. (n.d.). Retrieved from
https://www.mybestself101.org/what-is-compassion
Vanbuskirk, S. (n.d.). The mental health effects of holding a grudge. Verywell Mind. Retrieved from https://www.verywellmind.com/the-mental-health-effects-of-holding-a-grudge 5176186#:~:text=Holding%20a%20grudge%20is%20when,done%20something%20to%20 hurt%20you.
Forgiveness definition: What is forgiveness. Greater Good. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/topic/forgiveness/definition