By Claire Sullivan
“A moment of self-compassion can change your entire day. A string of such moments can change the course of your life.”
I’m currently staring at my computer screen writing this blog post and still am struggling to fully forgive myself after the dreaded day when my life turned upside down. Ironically, I’m about to write about self-compassion, and yet, somehow can barely muster up enough compassion for myself. However, I’m hopeful that what I unfold will not only help me gain more self-compassion, but help others gain a new perspective on how to have more self-compassion too.
Before I get into this, know there is a lot more where this story came from. I was with my entire family for winter break. After enjoying a wonderful Christmas day, I had the holiday bliss and warm-loving feeling ripped right out from under me a few days later. Here’s the gist: (1) my credit card information was stolen, (2) as I was talking to my bank on the phone to figure everything out the call dropped and I was locked out of my phone… turns out I was talking to hackers and not my actual bank, (3) my Apple ID was hacked, (4) my bank account was drained, (5) I was locked out of all my accounts and couldn’t change anything, and (5) I found out a week after all this terrible stuff that my car was broken into. Let’s just say it wasn’t a very happy New Year for me. After going through the cycle of shock, utter distress, mourning, anger, and hopelessness, I was left with the empty feeling of shame. Even though getting scammed was not inherently my fault, I felt so foolish. I should’ve known what was happening, I should’ve noticed the signs, etc. This rumination of not being able to forgive myself or the hackers who had done this to me was weighing on me heavily.
Now I know this situation isn’t my fault, yet, I still have had a hard time being kind to myself. I think this is common among humanity. The feeling that something is one’s fault even when it is not. Feeling like someone should’ve done this or that. The real problem in my scenario was (and maybe slightly is) my lack of self-compassion. Well, luckily there is hope for anyone who has felt like me. To be clear, self-compassion is defined as the ability to be emotionally supportive toward the self without engaging in self-denial, to deeply understand the similarity and connection between one’s and others’ experiences without feeling alone in suffering, and to pay balanced and inclusive attention to the self without being overwhelmed by negative thoughts and emotions (Neff, 2011). Self-compassion helps in other-focused concern, such as altruism and perspective taking, and it helps with interpersonal problems, like conflict and romantic breakups (Neff et al., 2018; Yarnell & Neff, 2013; Zhang & Chen, 2017). For example, Zhang and Chen (2017) reported that participants who had higher levels of self-compassion had self-improved motivation for future relationships after experiencing a romantic breakup, especially those who felt responsible for the breakup. These findings illustrate the power of self-compassion to work through conflict—intrapersonal and interpersonal—in a more effective way.
Now that it is clear self-compassion can be helpful in working through conflict, how exactly does it relate to forgiveness? Research suggests that self-compassion can help in the process of forgiveness, whether it is forgiving oneself or the transgressor (Miyagawa & Taniguchi, 2022). Miyagawa and Taniguchi (2022) highlighted how rumination mediated the relationship between self-compassion and forgiveness. This means that people with high self-compassion might be less likely to dwell on transgressors; thus, be less motivated to take revenge on and avoid them. No matter the time since the transgression, closeness of the relationship with the transgressor, or responsibility attributions, the mediated paths between self-compassion and rumination remained significant (Miyagawa & Taniguchi, 2022). This finding notes self-compassion has the power to help in the forgiveness process and help people move forward. It seems counter intuitive that to forgive others one should try having self-compassion, but it makes sense that when people can think kindly of themselves it may come naturally to think kindly of others. So, if it is hard to forgive someone, self-compassion may be the trick.
Ok, but now what if one isn’t having trouble forgiving a transgressor and is solely unable to forgive oneself? In this situation, researchers found that self-esteem may have an impact on forgiving oneself (Strelan & Zdaniuk, 2015). Lower self-esteem can allow people to protect themselves and develop avoidance strategies that may negatively impact self-forgiveness (Strelan & Zdaniuk, 2015). Therefore, having high self-esteem can help one to self-forgive. Self-forgiveness matters because it encourages flourishing by improving perceptions of control, helping people form friendships, and reduces rumination (Tiwari et al., 2023). Not only can self-esteem help in self-forgiveness, but it can bring one closer to others as well.
Although I have not fully forgiven myself for the terrible misfortune I endured during the Christmas break, I have come a long way thanks to practicing self-compassion and starting the forgiveness process. To learn more about self-compassion and how to develop it, go here. To learn more about the process of forgiveness, go here. To get started, here are some practices to help with improving self-compassion and some suggestions on how to move forward in the forgiveness process, adapted from Mpho Tutu van Furth.
Practices for Self-Compassion
Write a Letter: Write a letter to yourself and explain five reasons you are grateful for YOU. What do you like about yourself? What are you good at? How do you contribute in your family, friends, or community? What are your strengths?
Compassion from Others: Think about compliments people have given in the past to you. What did they say? Is there a pattern in the compliments you receive? How do people treat you when you are struggling? Now think about what you say to yourself on a daily basis or when you are struggling? See if there are similarities or differences in the way you treat yourself versus how others treat you. See how you can improve the way you talk to/treat yourself. Try to treat yourself the way you would a close friend.
Self-compassion Journal: For the next week note ways you were compassionate to yourself during the day. Try to be aware of when you are most compassionate and least compassionate to yourself during the day. Is there something you can change when you aren’t as compassionate to yourself? Reevaluate your journal entries at night and see how you can improve for the next day.
Practices for Forgiveness
Tell your story to a friend. Whatever wrong that was inflicted upon you, try telling the story to someone you trust. It helps for the brain to process the event when explaining what happened. Explain how it made you feel, and how you feel after the event.
Name what is hurting you. Try to pinpoint the feelings you are having and label each emotion you have. What is causing it? How can you address it? Let yourself feel all the emotions.
Grant forgiveness. This is easier said than done, but when you are ready grant forgiveness to yourself and/or the perpetrator. Forgiving does not mean that the perpetrator can continue to hurt you, it does not remove consequences, it does not dismiss boundaries, and it does not mean it is forced, required, or demanded. Be sure that when you are forgiving yourself and others that all these things are in place before doing so.
Have reconciliation and release. This means having healthy boundaries with the transgressor (which looks different for every situation). Make sure the boundaries created put you at peace and allow you to let go and move forward.
“Forgiveness does not change the past but it does change the future.”
References
Neff, K. D. (2011). Self-compassion, self-esteem, and well-being. Social and Personality Psychology Compass, 5(1), 1–12. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1751-9004.2010.00330.x
Neff, K. D., Long, P., Knox, M. C., Davidson, O., Kuchar, A., Costigan, A., Williamson, Z., Rohleder, N., Tóth-Király, I., & Breines, J. G. (2018). The forest and the trees: Examining the association of self-compassion and its positive and negative components with psychological functioning. Self and Identity, 17(6), 627–645. https://doi.org/10.1080/15298868.2018.1436587
Miyagawa, Y., & Taniguchi, J. (2022). Self-compassion helps people forgive transgressors: Cognitive pathways of interpersonal transgressors. Self and Identity, 21(2), 244-256. https://doi.org/10.1080/15298868.2020.1862904
Strelan, P., & Zdaniuk, A. (2015). Threatened state self-esteem reduces forgiveness. Self and Identity, 14(1), 16–32. https://doi.org/10.1080/15298868.2014.889034
Tiwari, G. K., Pandey, R., Parihar, P., & Rai, P. K. (2023). Self-forgiveness and human flourishing: understanding the mediating role of self-esteem. Mental Health, Religion & Culture, 26(5), 418-430. https://doi.org/10.1080/13674676.2023.2238642
Yarnell, L., & Neff, K. D. (2013). Self-compassion, interpersonal conflict resolutions, and well-being. Self and Identity, 12(2), 146–159. https://doi.org/10.1080/15298868.2011.649545
Zhang, J. W., & Chen, S. (2017). Self-compassion promotes positive adjustment for people who attribute responsibility of a romantic breakup to themselves. Self and Identity, 16(6), 732–759. https://doi.org/10.1080/15298868.2017.1305985