By Marinne Hammond
“Each of us must confront our own fears, must come face to face with them. How we handle our fears will determine where we go with the rest of our lives. To experience adventure or to be limited by the fear of it.”
In our journey as humans, fear is inevitable. Fears can range from minor scares to paralyzing phobias. Fear to most of us has a negative connotation. We want to avoid our fears, sometimes at all costs, because what scares us makes us uncomfortable. Perhaps you fear speaking in front of others; this fear motivates you to keep quiet in settings such as classrooms or committee meetings.
We are often told advice, such as: “Avoid what makes you anxious”, or: “You don’t need to give attention to any emotion that makes you uncomfortable”. These statements seem logical. However, if you were to reflect on the human experience, can you say with confidence that you could brush off every scary thing that comes your way?
People might talk about overcoming their fears as if they are large obstacles to move out of the way. However, avoiding fearful situations can put us in an unproductive, halted state of mind. Consider an example from a study among fifth-year medical students. Those students who were afraid of making mistakes were also those who had difficulty in tolerating uncertainty, viewing a career as a doctor to be overwhelmingly hard (Nevalainan et al., 2012). As evidenced by these medical students, if we block out the possibility of fear-evoking situations, we may be missing out on the life opportunities we are striving for. Instead of pushing against fear, what if we could reframe it in a more constructive way? What if we could lean into our fears and learn valuable lessons in the process?
A study was conducted on individuals with a fear of flying , in which the treatment groups participated in an online intervention (Campos et al., 2019). While it may seem counterintuitive, part of the intervention was having visual and audio exposure to flying-associated content. Participants would progress through intensifying levels of exposure, with the option of eventually going on a flight in real life. Whether participants were guided by a therapist or not, their own willingness to lean into their fear of flying led to significant decreases in measures of fear and avoidance of flying, as well as how convinced they were of flight-associated catastrophic thoughts (Campos et al., 2019).
Flying is just one example of a fear that can dominate one’s life. As a child, I was naturally fearful. I steered clear of situations in which I could possibly embarrass myself, such as making a silly mistake at a kickball game or giving the wrong answer to a question in class. I was rarely the one who got everyone together for a social event or voiced big ideas in front of my peers. While I did excel in school, I worked quietly and independently. I feared working in groups, let alone being the leader in a group, whether it involved an important assignment or a casual game. Why was I this way? I believe it was because I was protecting myself from any type of defeat. Fear of failure is actually a psychological term: it essentially means worrying about underperformance (American Psychological Association, n.d.). This worry could be coming from a family member’s, or even our own, expectations. Fear of failure dismisses sound reasoning and can haunt our minds relentlessly (American Psychological Association, n.d.).
While I still have shy tendencies, my own fear of failure—specifically in leadership situations—has ceased to control me as it did in my youth. Like those in the study who were afraid of flying, I had to “lean in” towards my fear in order to actually take charge of it.
A turning point that taught me about leaning into my fear of leadership was my experience in high school orchestra. Having taken private violin lessons from a young age, I enjoyed playing my instrument and even performing in front of people. Teaching people how to improve their violin skills was a different story. My senior year of high school, my director picked me to be the concertmistress of our symphony orchestra. While I was excited for this position, I was also terrified. I was only a student; how could I set a perfect example for my peers when I was still developing my own talent as a violinist?
I still remember the first day I had to lead a group of fellow violinists in a practice session. Everyone was staring at me, waiting for me to give directions. Despite my fear that I wouldn’t be an effective leader, as I began the practice session, something great happened. I fully accepted the fact that I did not and would not have all the answers for fostering a perfect experience for the orchestra. Instead, I drew from the knowledge I did have and focused on the small things I could do- I could play in tune, I could identify inaccurate rhythms, and I could prepare my music in advance of the practice sessions I led.
Throughout the school year, being a leader in my orchestra never truly became less scary. There was still always the chance I would make mistakes for everyone to see. In short, I never quite got rid of my fears; instead, I leaned into them, knowing that my imperfect contributions as a leader and performer were still valuable. I came to believe that these contributions really were “enough”.
Luckily, this paradigm shift gave me the internal peace I needed to keep trying new things, even if they scared me. In a small way, I was learning what positive psychology is all about: embracing the emotions of life, even fear.
Additional MyBestSelf 101 links: Tackling Perfectionism Mini Module, Personal Growth Module
“Your biggest fear carries your greatest opportunity for growth.”
REFERENCES
American Psychological Association. (n.d.). Fear of failure. In APA dictionary of psychology. Retrieved October 14, 2021, from https://dictionary.apa.org/fear-of-failure
Campos, D., Bretón-López, J., Botella, C., Mira, A., Castilla, D., Mor, S., Baños, R., & Quero, S. (2019). Efficacy of an internet-based exposure treatment for flying phobia (NO-FEAR Airlines) with and without therapist guidance: a randomized controlled trial. BMC Psychiatry, 19(86), 1-16. https://doi.org/10.1186/s12888-019-2060-4
Nevalainen, M., Kuikka, L., Sjöberg, L., Eriksson, J., and Pitkälä, K. (2012). Tolerance of uncertainty and fears of making mistakes among fifth-year medical students. Family Medicine, 44(4), 240-246.