By Benjamin Hill
“ Self-acceptance is my refusal to be in an adversarial relationship with myself. ”
I have long been told by close family members and friends that I am too hard on myself—that I aggressively and perpetually punish myself for my mistakes, that I blow my character flaws out of proportion, and that I hold grudges against myself for far longer than anyone I have wronged would hold a grudge against me. The strange thing is that I have always agreed with people who have pointed this out to me; in fact, I always saw it as a badge of honor. After all, if I recognize and constantly pay attention to the bad within me, then I must have an elevated sense of self-awareness! I must be a very repentant person because I am constantly punishing myself for my sins and misdeeds.
I used to roll my eyes at the notion of “self-love” or “self-compassion.” I would engage in self-hatred in an effort to stay humble. I had a mindset like this: “I don’t want to acknowledge my successes or achievements or strengths! That’s prideful, and nobody likes a prideful, arrogant person!” I know that I am not alone in having succumbed to this mindset. I am now writing to make it known that I was wrong.
Is it not rather silly that we tend to view love toward ourselves as borderline narcissism but view love toward others as compassionate, even virtuous? What is the difference between the two? Theoretically, there should be no difference. Imagine, if you will, one of your loved ones. Why is it that you love this person? Surely they have some virtues that you appreciate: perhaps they are patient, funny, or they love the same movies you do. Maybe they’re thoughtful, or you find beauty in the way they close their eyes while they’re dancing in the kitchen.
Whoever this loved one is, no matter how many things you love about them, you know that they are not perfect. There are probably one or two vices they have that you wish they would quit: maybe the way they pop bubbles with their gum gets on your nerves, or you wish they wouldn’t tell such insensitive jokes from time to time. Yet, in spite of this person’s flaws and weaknesses, you love them. Why? Of course, it would be naïvety to boil it down to one reason, but I’ll try anyway: you love imperfect people because you know they ought to be defined by their strengths rather than their weaknesses.
Why, oh why do we often treat ourselves with the exact opposite perspective?! We punish or loathe ourselves in spite of our virtues, believing that we deserve to be defined by our weaknesses rather than our strengths. No sane person would ever claim that hatred toward another well-meaning person is a virtue. Self-hatred is not a virtue, either. Self-hatred is not the same thing as humility, and self-love is not the same thing as narcissism.
Researchers Henschke & Sedlmeier (2021) explored the truthfulness of this concept as it pervades psychological literature: narcissism is characterized by a dependence on external validation, praise, and special treatment. A narcissist’s “love” for themselves does not come from a genuine appreciation of their strengths, but from a very fragile view of themselves; they feel the need to believe that they are superior, yet this belief must be constantly reinforced by those around them because those with narcissism “do not love themselves too much, but too little.”
Conversely, self-love is characterized in much the same way as love for other people is. Learning to love myself has meant acknowledging that I am a unique human being with something positive to offer the world. I have flaws and acknowledge them, but I recognize that I am no more flawed than other people! When I make a mistake, I no longer relentlessly punish myself for it—even after those I’ve wronged have forgiven me. I appreciate the fact that I have the capability to see areas where I can improve, become better, and work toward growth! My mistakes are no longer indicative of inherent flaws that I will never shake off; they are indicative of the fact that I can grow.
If you are like I once was—if you find that you dislike (or even hate) yourself—I promise that you are worth loving. You are flawed, but you are growing. Be patient with yourself as you grow, just as you are patient with your loved ones as they grow! If you want to have more love, compassion, and patience with yourself but don’t know where to start, then start where I did here.
“You are allowed to be both a masterpiece and a work in progress simultaneously. ”
REFERENCES
Henschke, E., & Sedlmeier, P. (2021). What is self-love? Redefinition of a controversial construct. The Humanistic Psychologist. Advance online publication. https://doi.org/10.1037/hum0000266