By Megan Cutler
“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”
My grandma once told me a story, and while she has told me plenty of stories, this is one that I remember often. She said, “When your grandpa and I were first married, we attended an activity for couples. One of the activities was for each of us to write down a list of things we wished we could change about our partner. When they started the timer, my pen started flying across the paper. I probably came up with a good list of 30 things, and I was excited to see what Grandpa had written. When it came time to share, Grandpa flipped his paper over, and on it, he had simply written ‘nothing.’ I was so ashamed of my list of 30. How could he forgive me of all my flaws while I hung onto his?” As I have watched my grandparents’ relationship over the years, my grandpa is still more content in the relationship, and he is quick to love, while my grandma often complains of being trapped. Nelson Mandela explained this paradox perfectly when he said, “As I walked out the door toward the gate that would lead to my freedom, I knew if I didn't leave my bitterness and hatred behind, I'd still be in prison.”
In my experience, it can be hard to forgive people because they do not seem to deserve it. Right? Have you not said that before? However, I think it is important for all of us to learn that we should forgive other people because we deserve it. Research has shown time and time again that being able to forgive frees us from the “prison” of depression, anxiety, stress, anger, and fear (Eldeleklioğlu, 2015; Griffin et al., 2014; Lawler et al., 2005). If that is not convincing enough, there are plenty of additional benefits of forgiveness that researchers have found. The health benefits of forgiveness may take years to be noticed and self-reported, but that does not minimize the reality of the impact of those benefits (Worthington et al., 2007). Forgiveness is linked to better cardiovascular health, higher quality interpersonal relationships, the use of better coping skills, and the development of resilience (Eldeleklioğlu, 2015; Worthington et al., 2007).
The way that I see it, we all have to hike the mountain of life. We can do so with a backpack weighed down with rocks the weight of grudges, or we can take the additional (and unnecessary) weight off of our backs by forgiving. One of the options sounds a lot more comfortable to me. The question now becomes how do we take the rocks out of our backpacks? How do we forgive? In the book The How of Happiness by Sonja Lyubomirsky, she offers eight strategies for forgiveness. She emphasizes that forgiveness can be one of the hardest happiness-promoting strategies offered in her book, but that the rewards for incorporating forgiveness into a lifestyle are plenty-fold (Lyubomirsky, 2007). While Lyubomirsky offers eight strategies, here we will address four:
1. Appreciate Being Forgiven. What does this look like? Sitting down and taking some time to reflect on an experience when you were forgiven. Who forgave you? What did you do? How did you feel when forgiven? A study done by Worthington et al. (2007) explored the effects of forgiveness from others and reconciliation using imaginative techniques. They found that simply imagining being forgiven by someone decreases sadness and anger while increasing moral emotions such as gratitude and hope (Worthington et al., 2007). The increase in moral emotions can be a great starting block to forgive someone else.
2. Imagine Forgiveness. What does this mean? Again, sit down and take some time to reflect on an experience, only this time you are going to imagine yourself forgiving someone else. To emphasize this point, Lyubomirsky mentions a study by van Oyen Witvliet et al. (2001) which found that people who imagined extending forgiveness (in comparison to holding grudges) experienced less stress, less anger, and greater control over their emotions. This act of imagining present in this strategy and the previous strategy ties the practice of mindfulness into forgiving. Research has found that mindfulness often paves the way to forgiveness and actually increases the physical health benefits associated with mindfulness (Webb et al., 2013). If we know that, we can increase motivation to practice these first two strategies. (For more information on mindfulness specifically, here is a great resource: https://www.mybestself101.org/what-is-mindfulness).
3. Practice Empathy. Empathy is an active attempt to understand another person’s emotions and thoughts (Lyubomirsky, 2007). How does this apply to forgiveness you might ask? I asked the same question when reading this chapter in Lyubomirsky’s book. If practiced correctly, empathy can have a direct and positive impact on forgiveness. Lyubomirsky suggests that we practice empathy by noticing any time we do not understand another person’s actions and then taking time to figure out the person’s emotions, thoughts, and reasoning behind the action that we did not understand (Lyubomirsky, 2007). The goal of this strategy is to open our minds to the minds of the people around us. Through practicing this strategy, we can recognize that acts that need forgiveness are also acts from other people that we do not understand. When we regularly work to empathize with other people, it will be easier to extend empathy to those whom we are trying to forgive.
4. Ruminate Less. Research has shown that unforgiveness is directly tied to ruminating and that rumination is a major factor leading to the negative health effects of holding grudges (Webb et al., 2013; Worthington et al., 2007). What is rumination? It is focusing on negative feelings, bad experiences, or things that make you unhappy or worried. Because this feels like a natural human response (and one that I am very guilty of) how can we ruminate less? This practice takes a very intentional and direct approach. When ruminating thoughts come to our minds, Lyubomirsky suggests that we immediately distract our minds with something else or we tell those thoughts to “stop” (Lyubomirsky, 2007). Ruminating less won’t lead immediately to forgiveness, but it is an essential step to opening our hearts to being willing to forgive (Lyubomirsky, 2007).
If you are interested in the other four not included here, here is a link to her book – buy it and read it: https://a.co/d/5sizXu5. At the time I am writing this, it is even on sale!
Ultimately, the best practice that I would add to Lyubomirsky’s strategies is to “Just Do It” as Nike tells us. How do we forgive? Tell someone that you forgive them and mean it. In my personal experience, once we start forgiving it gets easier to forgive other people. Maybe you can start with people or incidences that were more minor or less consequential and then build up to forgiving people of mistakes that really hurt you. Or maybe you pick a day and forgive everyone all at once- do whatever feels more comfortable to you. Remember, that working on forgiving other people who may not deserve your mercy is important because forgiving heals you (Griffin et al., 2014).
“Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future.”
References
Eldeleklioğlu, J. (2015). Predictive effects of subjective happiness, forgiveness, and rumination on life satisfaction. Social Behavior and Personality: An International Journal, 43(9), 1563–1574. https://doi.org/10.2224/sbp.2015.43.9.1563
Griffin, B. J., Lavelock, C. R., & Worthington, E. L. (2014). On Earth as it is in heaven: Healing through forgiveness. Journal of Psychology and Theology, 42(3), 252–259. https://doi.org/10.1177/009164711404200302
Lawler, K. A., Younger, J. W., Piferi, R. L., Jobe, R. L., Edmondson, K. A., & Jones, W. H. (2005). The unique effects of forgiveness on health: An exploration of pathways. Journal of Behavioral Medicine, 28(2), 157–167. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10865-005-3665-2
Lyubomirsky, S. (2007). The how of happiness: A practical guide to getting the life you want. Penguin Press.
van Oyen Witvliet, C., Ludwig, T. E., & Laan, K. L. V. (2001). Granting forgiveness or harboring grudges: Implications for emotion, physiology, and health. Psychological Science, 12(2), 117–123. https://doi.org/10.1111/1467-9280.00320
Webb, J. R., Phillips, T. D., Bumgarner, D., & Conway-Williams, E. (2013). Forgiveness, mindfulness, and health. Mindfulness, 4(3), 235–245. https://doi.org/10.1007/s12671-012-0119-0
Worthington, E. L., Jr., van Oyen Witvliet, C., Pietrini, P., & Miller, A. J. (2007). Forgiveness, health, and well-being: A review of evidence for emotional versus decisional forgiveness, dispositional forgivingness, and reduced unforgiveness. Journal of Behavioral Medicine, 30(4), 291–302. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10865-007-9105-8