By Grace Tegerdine
“There is more to life than increasing its speed”
When I first heard about savoring, I immediately resisted the idea. Despite the fact that my life was moving quickly, and I knew that I could greatly benefit from implementing moments to slow down and savor, I was too scared to do it. The truth was, I was overcome with a sense of foreboding joy, or the idea that some catastrophe was headed my way. I was worried about savoring the good moments in my life, just to see them become memories that I could never return to. I had a good reason to feel this way. You see, for the last four years, my younger brother has been fighting an on-and-off battle with cancer. Recently, we learned that it is back, and the doctors are no longer optimistic about his chance for recovery. He is now in Stage IV and all of his treatment is focused on pain mitigation, not a cure.
There are so many factors that played into my unwillingness to slow down and savor. Following is a list taken from mybestself101.org (link: https://www.mybestself101.org/what-is-savoring) that highlights some of the obstacles that can prevent us from savoring. I personalized the list from my own experience, but they can apply to anyone.
Our minds are much quicker to remember negative experiences than positive ones.
This means that my mind had an easier time thinking of the pain that my family and I were going through, and was able to anticipate more readily the future pain that we were to feel. Even in the good times, my mind jumped quickly back to the fact that the moments with my brother could comprise some of our last. This made it difficult for me to focus on the good experiences.
Additionally, savoring requires vulnerability and courage.
We need to be willing to drop our walls and appreciate the moment wholeheartedly. I was so afraid of losing my brother and feeling that loss that I was not able to drop the walls so that I could feel the good that accompanied the bad. American professor Brené Brown teaches that we are not capable of selectively numbing painful emotions without numbing positive emotions, as well (Brown, 2020). In order to allow myself to feel the bad and the good, I had to be courageous. I had to allow myself to slow down and savor the experiences with my brother, even if they were painful. In this way, I could also feel the good emotions that accompanied my time with him.
Lastly, I had allowed my daily activities to become routine.
This allowed me to move though life mindlessly. While this allowed me to detach from my anxiety and grief, it also prevented me from experiencing the joyous moments that occurred day-to-day. This included special moments with my brother. I was so busy with my life that I felt as though I did not have time to carve out for him. In order to truly savor my time with him, I had to be willing to slow down and be more mindful about my daily activities, even though I was busy. I had to intentionally find time to set aside so that we could enjoy our time together.
Despite these obstacles preventing me from savoring, the most recent diagnosis was a chilling dose of reality. No matter how much I was hurting, I knew I had to implement savoring in my life. I decided to start simply by utilizing a couple of different methods that I will list below. These methods were taken from ideas established by Sonja Lyubomirsky (2008) in her book “The How of Happiness: a new approach to getting the life you want”. Although the changes were not immediate, and I still have a long way to go, I quickly noticed that the time I savored with my brother became some of the best moments that we have had together in years. Savoring did not take away the pain, but it made it bearable. Better yet, it made my experiences joyful, despite the pain that I felt at the same time. Not only did I feel happier, but my relationship with my brother improved. I know that no matter what happens, I will always be able to look back on these moments with fondness, despite their bittersweet nature. I know that if savoring helped me find joy in this difficult period of my life, it can help you, too.
Relish ordinary experiences.
In order to savor time with my brother, I began to seek out ordinary moments where we could connect. This included sitting on the couch with him while he played video games or hanging out in the kitchen for 10 more minutes so that we could chat about our day. While these were ordinary situations in our day-to-day life, I was able to relish the extra time that I spent with him. Savoring does not have to occur in stunning places or unique situations. One can savor anytime, anywhere.
2. Savor and reminisce with family and friends.
Because he experiences a lot of pain, my brother sometimes does not participate in our family activities. However, I began to make a concerted effort to include him, even if that meant that we had to adjust our plans to make sure that he was included. We had so much more fun together whenever he was included. Savoring is intensified when we share the experience with others.
3. Replay happy days.
Before I began to intentionally savor, I sometimes avoided thinking of the past. I felt like those were the “good ol’ days” and I did not want to think about them and remember how much had changed. However, in replaying happy days with my brother, we were able to laugh about childhood memories. It made the current mood lighter. Savoring the past can be a beneficial way of bonding with loved ones, and it can help cultivate positive emotions.
4. Be mindful.
I often struggled to spend time with my brother because I felt overwhelming sorrow and I tended to suppress or avoid the difficult feelings. However, once I became mindful of these emotions, I was able to allow them to stay. I no longer had the desire to avoid or suppress them. I was mindfully aware of them, but I allowed them to stay and coincide with the joy that I was feeling at that same moment. Being mindful of our emotions can help us accept them without resistance and let them go without force.
5. Seek bittersweet experiences.
When spending time with a terminally ill loved one, many of the experiences that we have will be bittersweet. Before, I always avoided them. However, once I learned how to accept my emotions and coexist with them peacefully, it became easier to seek out any and all experiences with my brother, even if they were sad. In doing so, I found so much sweetness and joy. Through savoring, I was able to intensify the goodness in those moments and truly relish the bittersweet.
Savoring seems too simple. How does it really work?
There is extensive scientific evidence that suggests that savoring increases and sustains positive emotion (Wilson & MacNamara, 2020). Experiencing positive emotions is an effective way to battle the negative emotions that come from watching a loved one suffer a terminal illness. Positive emotion can also lead to enhanced well-being, especially if there is an aspect of mindfulness that is also present (Bryant & Smith, 2015). This is why the fourth step, “be mindful”, is so essential to cultivating positive emotion and well-being. Positive emotion and increased well-being that come from savoring and mindfulness can help provide strength to those who are dealing with complicated emotions of grief and pain as they witness the plight of a terminally ill loved one. Savoring can also help individuals find meaning in their suffering (Bryant & Smith, 2015). The ability to find meaning during adverse life experiences can aid an individual in weathering their grief. It can also provide a sense of comfort and support.
Lastly, a study by Bryant & Veroff (2007) found that savoring strengthens one’s ability to connect with others. This is crucial as someone seeks out connection with their terminally ill loved one. Connectivity with others, such as family and close friends, is also essential, as it provides a solid support system that can provide strength during periods of grief and sorrow.
I’m not saying that savoring time with a terminally ill loved one is easy. It sure wasn’t easy for me. I struggled with intense feelings of pain and grief, but I felt joy, too. I have a host of memories and experiences with my brother that I know that I will cherish forever, no matter what the future brings. I know that savoring can seem intimidating or difficult. But I promise, it worked for me. And it can work for you, too.
“The way to develop the habit of savoring is to pause when something is beautiful and good and catches our attention – the sound of rain, the look of the night sky – the glow in a child’s eyes, or when we witness some kindness. Pause… then totally immerse in the experience of savoring it.”
References
Brown, B. (2020). The gifts of imperfection. Random House.
Bryant, F. B., & Smith, J. L. (2015). Appreciating life in the midst of adversity: Savoring in relation to mindfulness, reappraisal, and meaning. Psychological Inquiry, 26(4), 315–321. https://doi-org.byu.idm.oclc.org/10.1080/1047840X.2015.1075351
Bryant, F. B., & Veroff, J. (2007). Savoring: A new model of positive experience. Lawrence Erlbaum Associates Publishers.
Lyubomirsky, S. (2008). The how of happiness : a new approach to getting the life you want. In Penguin Books. http://ci.nii.ac.jp/ncid/BA90160201
Wilson, K. A., & MacNamara, A. (2021). Savor the moment: Willful increase in positive emotion and the persistence of this effect across time. Psychophysiology, 58(3). https://doi-org.byu.idm.oclc.org/10.1111/psyp.13754