By Keena Page
“If your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete.”
What are three things you like about yourself?
I once asked this very question to a girl (we will call her Summer) who was struggling on a volunteer mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and what shocked me was that after an HOUR of contemplation, she could not come up with even one thing.
I was inspired to ask her this question because of a simple practice that our area of missionaries were required to do every night: Right before we went to bed, we had to tell our “companion” (a partner assigned to live and work with for 6 weeks to a couple months) three things we appreciated about them that day. Almost every partnership could do this with just a bit of thought, yet Summer could not think of one thing she could say about herself.
When we got to our apartment where a couple of other companionships were staying, I asked the others for some help. Of course, they showered Summer with compliments, yet, amazingly, when asked to say something they liked about themselves, they hesitated. Some of them could say one or two things, but none of them could come up with three. When asked outright what they liked about themselves, they could not think of enough reasons.
This was the first time I became fully aware that some people genuinely struggled with their self-image. I have been blessed with high confidence (whether that was a good thing or not depends on the situation), so when they tried to turn it around on me, I could easily come up with three things that I appreciated about myself. I didn’t realize that other girls had such a hard time, because I could think of amazing things about them! I made a goal then and there to always think of things I liked about myself and help others do the same.
What are three things I like about myself?
It’s been a couple years since I have come home from my mission, and I have found that my confidence doesn’t endure all the time. There are days where I feel particularly down on myself. Overwhelmed and discouraged because things aren’t going right, my thoughts are swarming with things I didn’t do enough of, or things I didn’t do right and could’ve done better. In those moments, I’ve reflected back on my goal and tried to start listing three things that I like about myself. Every single time, I find that my mood drastically improves. Amidst everything I’m worried about, I find something in that situation that sheds a positive light on me and I generate the hope to power through.
What are the benefits of self-compassion?
There are many recent studies that show a link between self-compassion and mental health. One study even shows evidence of self-compassion being a better predictor of mental health than high levels of self-esteem (Kamalinasab & Mohammadkhani, 2018). In other words, developing the ability to be kinder to ourselves is better than being born with high levels of self-esteem. Additionally, developing a higher self-esteem through methods of self-compassion will also significantly improve mental health (Lee & Allen, 2020). Other studies further promote this positive relationship between self-compassion, self esteem, and mental health (Marshall et al., 2015). Compassion is just as important as self-compassion, and the importance of surrounding ourselves with compassionate friends cannot be overstated. Remember the girls who helped Summer find things to like about herself by identifying the things THEY liked about her. Social support is shown to be incredibly important in improving self-esteem and, therefore, mental health (Szkody & McKinney, 2019). Maybe we can ask our friends to help us have greater compassion for ourselves.
With this experience in mind, I started searching for ways to develop self-compassion. Once I saw an opportunity to be on Dr. Warren’s research team, I jumped on it! The mybestself101.org website and Dr. Warren’s research perfectly supported my thoughts on self-compassion and provides the exact outline of increasing self-compassion that I was looking for! In an even broader perspective, the entire field of positive psychology aligned perfectly with my goals to help others think positively about themselves and to create/savor positive experiences.
I particularly love Dr. Warren’s definition of Self-Compassion: “Self-Compassion is extending to yourself the same kindness and care that you would offer to a good friend”. When I, and others, find complimenting others so easy, why not develop the habit of extending that same courtesy to ourselves?
So, the next time you’re having a bad day, try thinking of three things you like about yourself. If you find that hard to do, give the mybestself101.org Self-Compassion module a try! It will truly change your life. It changed mine.
“You are imperfect, permanently and inevitably flawed. And you are beautiful.”
REFERENCES
Kamalinasab, Z., & Mohammadkhani, P. (2018). A comparison of self-compassion and self- esteem based on their relationship with adaptive and maladaptive emotion regulation strategies. Journal of Practice in Clinical Psychology, 6(1), 9–20. https://doi.org/10.29252/nirp.jpcp.6.1.9
Lee, J., & Allen, J. (2020). Young adults’ economic well-being and mental health: The mediation model of self-esteem. The American Journal of Psychology, 133(3), 329–339. https://doi.org/10.5406/amerjpsyc.133.3.0329
Marshall, S. L., Parker, P. D., Ciarrochi, J., Sahdra, B., Jackson, C. J., & Heaven, P. C. L. (2015). Self-compassion protects against the negative effects of low self-esteem: A longitudinal study in a large adolescent sample. Personality and Individual Differences, 74, 116–121. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.paid.2014.09.013
Szkody, E., & McKinney, C. (2019). Indirect effects of social support on psychological health through self-esteem in emerging adulthood. Journal of Family Issues, 40(17), 2439–2455. https://doi.org/10.1177/0192513X19859612