By Rebekah Wittwer Schnepf
“and that visibility which makes us most vulnerable is that which also is the source of our greatest strength.”
I’ll get real with you. I’m not who I wish everyone thought I was. Confident, strong, unfazed by life’s difficulties, and courageous even, in spite of challenges! Positive in droves to the point where if I could wear the color yellow without it drowning out my light skin, I could sell it to painters and animation studios! And last but not least, cheerful and optimistic despite my life’s circumstances, always grateful and service with a smile! No, instead, I am double-sided. Like a two-edged sword. Yes! I am cheerful, but really when things are going really well for me. It’s hard for me to smile when someone says something that really hurts my feelings or when I do not do well on an assignment, or, (and this is the worst), when I’m late again and I consider a “grounding” part of my personality is punctuality? Yes, this is the real me. I often find it hard to wake up in the mornings and face a day where I have a lot to do. I am discouraged when I waste time, and anxiety builds with that fear that I won’t finish before 11:59 pm… Can you relate with me at all? That’s the question we neglect to ask each other. WHY?? Is it because of the stereotype that in order to be a leader or make a difference or get the positive attention you want that you have to somehow “have it all together”? It’s not a secret that no one really accomplishes this task. Yet, we all assume this about one another. Assume, instead of asking, “So how are you really doing?” Allow me the chance to ask you, “Are you willing to be vulnerable?”
Vulnerability is one of the skills of being emotionally intelligent. Not going to lie, having these details out in the open for you to read is intimidating. Research says that one of the hardest things for a person to be is their authentic self. However, once a person has opened up, miracles start to happen in their relationships! WHY??? Because we ALL CRAVE CONNECTION! Relatability! Support! Attention! Love! How can we really love what we do not understand? Research has defined vulnerability as being authentic. The definition of “authentic”, according to Webster’s dictionary is: “not false or imitation: real, actual; true to one’s own personality, spirit, or character” (Merriam-Webster, 2019). In one study, participants reported that their relationships where both were more authentic, were much closer and easier to connect (Sapiro & Quiroz, 2022). What was really fascinating, however, was that though the participants were being vulnerable with their friends, they “expressed relatively little shame about themselves and described a strong desire to be in connection with others” (Sapiro & Quiroz, 2022). How wonderful is that? When we can find the courage to be our true selves with others, we find connection and acceptance, instead of the shame and disappointment of rejection we fear so deeply! This confidence as a result of true authenticity brings hope for real, deep, meaningful relationships, no matter what age! For me, my first opportunity to be vulnerable came when my family moved to a new city in Arizona.
I grew up introducing the new kids to the rest of the group, not being the new kid… I wasn’t sure that I could do it. Suddenly, I found myself the most shy person on the entire playground. I was ashamed because I was supposed to be “the strong, outgoing, fun kid”, not the “shy, scared, unapproachable kid”. I felt lost and alone. Change, new things and new people were intimidating. One day, however, I decided to give it a try. After a few minutes after being released to recess, I walked up to a girl who was playing in the sand alone and asked, “Can I join you? I’m trying to make new friends. I am new”. To my surprise, she looked just as scared as I was, and I realized that I was not the most shy person on the playground! She needed a friend just as much as I did! Now, my friend and I still keep in touch after 14 years! I saw her recently at the grocery store and we are both more outgoing and sure of ourselves! Vulnerability stands the test of time. Studies have found that when life’s challenges arise, authentic relationships are strengthening and have an ability to grow over time (Fries‐Britt & Snider, 2015). Brene Brown, the author of “The Power of Vulnerability”, and “Daring Greatly, had a struggle cultivating vulnerability in her life while she was researching it! According to Brown, vulnerability is about believing that you are worthy of love and connection, and having the courage to accept imperfection in yourself and others. This compassion defies our natural instinct to numb difficult emotions. (Brown, 2010). Brene Brown says, “Vulnerability is the core of shame and fear and our struggle for worthiness, but it appears that it’s also the birthplace of joy, of creativity, of belonging, of love”.
Being human requires that we experience opposition in our lives, hardship along with the joys of life. Once this acceptance kicks in, we are more able to be emotionally resilient in the face of adversity. Ronald Weehler calls emotional resilience “soft skills”, or self-awareness, self-management, self-motivation, empathy, and social skills (Wheeler, 2016). When we are vulnerable, we allow ourselves to acknowledge, accept and process our emotions, giving ourselves the permission to be human. This healthy emotional perspective significantly improves the quality of life and personal relationships (Ashori & Jalil-Abkenar, 2023), because there is real connection through communication, when we choose to be our authentic selves. We connect because we discover that we have in common the things that make us feel vulnerable! Knowing these important, authentic facts about each other can help us meet each other’s needs (Schröder-Abé & Schütz, 2011). Brene Brown counsels in her talk on vulnerability that you cannot selectively numb any emotions. We are creatures of duality, which means that when we try to numb negative emotions, we also numb joy, gratitude and happiness. However, when we allow ourselves to be “vulnerably seen” that we know that is what it means to be alive and believe that we are enough (Brown, 2010). I invite you to join me on this journey to find what it truly means to be alive! Everything worthwhile in this life takes hard work and can not have a price tag. Being real is priceless. Allow me to share a couple ways that I am learning to be vulnerable. May they help you discover what it means for you to be real! What is the quality we want most in our most meaningful relationships? The ability to be real, genuine, relatable. I promise you, you will have closer relationships, friends and family when you are your true self. It’s a lot harder to hide your true feelings and be someone you’re not then who you really are.
Ways to Practice Cultivating Vulnerability
● Name Your Emotions
○ When we are able to put words to how we are feeling, it is a lot easier to be aware of, acknowledge and accept how we feel.
● Journal about your feelings.
○ Find a quiet space to think at least weekly. When I journal about how I am feeling, I feel that I could share with another person I love and trust next time.
● Embrace Vulnerability
○ The sooner we accept the duality we have as human beings to experience opposite kinds of emotions, the sooner that we can find the joy in life in each circumstance.
● Focus on What You Can Control
○ I deal with anxiety, and focusing on the things I can control becomes a lot easier to manage than creating a list of things that are not in my power to change.
● Be Your Authentic Self
○ You are enough! You are worth loving! People can and will love the real, true version of you. Don’t be afraid to give people a chance and share yourself!
● Communicate
○ Vulnerability is a shared experience.
Sharing with others who are real and genuine as well means that they will in turn be vulnerable with you. This last guarantee I can leave you with: When you have the courage to be whole-hearted, and tell the story of who you are by being who you really are, people will reciprocate because you were the leader to show them that they can have courage too! I’ll start. I often do not feel that I have what it takes to achieve my dreams as a perfectionist. I am afraid of failure, success and strong feelings like rejection, but I am overcoming this by practicing being vulnerable with others. If I can do it, you can too! Want evidence? You’re reading my story.
“Vulnerability is scary, but pure. In it you can find bravery”
References
Ashori, M., & Jalil-Abkenar, S. (2023). Emotional intelligence: Behavioral emotion regulation and health-related quality of life in students with hearing loss. Current Psychology: A Journal for Diverse Perspectives on Diverse Psychological Issues, 10.1007/s12144-023-04449-9
Brown, B. (2010, June). The power of vulnerability. Ted.com; TED Talks. https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_the_power_of_vulnerability?language=en
Fries‐Britt, S., & Snider, J. (2015). Mentoring Outside the Line: The Importance of Authenticity, Transparency, and Vulnerability in Effective Mentoring Relationships. New Directions for Higher Education, 2015(171), 3-11. 10.1002/he.20137 Merriam-Webster. “Definition of AUTHENTIC.”
Merriam-Webster.com, 2019, www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/authentic.
Ronald E. Wheeler, Soft Skills - The Importance of Cultivating Emotional Intelligence , in 20 AALL Spectrum 28 (2016). https://scholarship.law.bu.edu/faculty_scholarship/130
Sapiro, B., & Quiroz, S. R. (2022). Authenticity, Vulnerability, and Shame in Peer Relationships among Marginalized Youth Living with Mood and Anxiety Disorders. Journal of Child & Family Studies, 31(11), 3192-3208. 10.1007/s10826-022-02358-2
Schröder-Abé, M., & Schütz, A. (2011). Walking in each other's shoes: Perspective taking mediates effects of emotional intelligence on relationship quality. European Journal of Personality, 25(2), 155-169. 10.1002/per.818