By Jaymison Johnson
“Forgive others, not because they deserve forgiveness, but because you deserve peace.”
What is Forgiveness?
Most people around the world are raised on the notion that they should always forgive others. However, what does this truly mean? As a child I felt like I generally understood the concept of forgiveness. I would “not hold grudges” or “stay upset for too long” when it seemed like someone upset me, but I feel like I never had a severe experience of when I felt like it was difficult to forgive someone who I felt really wronged me until a couple of years ago. This is when the principles of true forgiveness aided me to not only forgive another person but also helped me feel whole and more content with my state of life. According to the Greater Good Magazine, “forgiveness is a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you, regardless of whether they actually deserve your forgiveness” (Greater Good Magazine). The interesting key to this definition is forgiving another person whether they deserve forgiveness. If this person does not deserve forgiveness that why should it be necessary that we forgive? Not only does forgiving others put ourselves at a state of peace, but it can also bring added health benefits as well.
Benefits of Forgiveness
One of the most understood benefits of forgiving others is a sense of peace. Holding feelings of anger, resentment, or angst towards another person without letting it go can only make these feelings grow stronger. This means that the person holding these feelings will just become more miserable. However, working to forgive others allows one to start to release these difficult and trying emotions. This then allows a person to feel less turmoil in their lives and more peace. It creates more mindfulness and understanding of the present moment.
There are also many physiological benefits that come from forgiving others. According to a research staff at the Mayo Clinic, some of the mentioned benefits of forgiving others are:
1) Healthier relationships
2) Improved mental health
3) Less anxiety, stress and hostility
4) Fewer symptoms of depression
5) Lower blood pressure
6) A stronger immune system
7) Improved heart health
8) Improved self-esteem
(Mayo Clinic Staff, 2022).
Also, just like any other well-being practice, the ability to forgive can be improved with practice. Obviously, there are certain situations that merit a much more complicated forgiveness situation, but one can improve in his or her abilities to forgive even the small areas of their lives where they feel as though they have been wronged. I have noticed that even driving can be a much less stressful experience when I work on forgiving others when it is something as simple as getting cut off by someone else.
What forgiveness is not?
For much of my life I was under the misconception that truly forgiving others meant letting go and allowing things to be exactly where they were before. A couple years ago I was working in Chicago over a summer with a very close friend who I trusted wholeheartedly. I started to notice some suspicious activity that my friend was doing that would severely affect the work environment that we were in. When I asked him about it sincerely, he responded by denying all my questions. There was later a large feud that ensued between my family and his that caused much more drama than I would have ever imagined due to the actions of this friend. A couple weeks later, I discovered my friend had completely lied about his actions. This hurt me to the core since I trusted him with everything. I also began to recognize that there were many other moments where my friend had deceived me without me knowing. I held on to these feelings of betrayal and grief for a while before realizing that I had to confront them and forgive my friend. At this time, I felt as though I needed to rekindle the friendship and at the same level of friends that we were before so that I could “completely forgive him.” However, this seemed somewhat unrealistic and rather counterproductive to try and reform the same relationship especially after I noticed the tendencies that he had to deceive others. After counseling with my parents and other close people in my life, I realized that forgiveness is not about bringing back others in your life that could potentially hurt you again. My personal definition of forgiveness shifted in this moment to letting go of all the resentment and anger that existed and truly wishing no harm on this friend. I can say that I want the best for him but I do not believe we will ever be at the same level of friendship where we once were, and that is okay!
As I have spoken with friends and family members, it seems as though they have found themselves in similar predicaments where they felt as though they needed to go back to harmful relationships to fully “forgive.” Now, I am not saying that people can’t change and that we can’t get back the same level of relationships that we once had with someone, each situation is difficult. What I am saying is that we should avoid intentionally getting hurt by others. When striving to forgive others, I believe that it is more important to focus on letting go of feelings of resentment for past wrongs and wishing no harm on others. In other words, “Getting another person to change isn't the point of forgiveness. It's about focusing on what you can control in the here and now. Think of forgiveness more about how it can change your life by bringing you peace, happiness, and emotional and spiritual healing. Forgiveness can take away the power the other person continues to have in your life” (Mayo Clinic Staff, 2022).
Eva’s Story
Eva Mozes Kor was survivor to one of the worst event in human history: the Holocaust. Fifty years after Auschwitz had been liberated, there was a gathering of people who had been involved. Along with Eva and other Holocaust survivors, was a Nazi doctor, Dr. Hans Münch, who was not stationed at Auschwitz, but had participated in the war. At this even Eva announced to the world, other victims, and her captors that she freed herself from victim status and “that-in her name alone-she forgave the nazis” (Candles Holocaust Museum and Education Center). This powerful example of forgiveness demonstrates the power of forgiveness even in the most terrible circumstances. Eva was able to find further healing, but it never negated the terrible acts that were performed by her captors.
While our situations of forgiveness may not be nearly as extreme as Eva’s, there are innumerable benefits to forgiving others. While none of us may be perfect at this important well-being strategy, practicing forgiveness will bring peace.
“Forgiveness has nothing to do with absolving a criminal of his crime. It has everything to do with relieving oneself of the burden of being a victim—letting go of the pain and transforming oneself from victim to survivor.”
References
Forgiveness, Defined. Greater Good Magazine. Retrieved from https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/topic/forgiveness/definition#what-is-forgiveness.
Her Story. Candles Holocaust Museum and Education Center. Retrieved from https://candlesholocaustmuseum.org/our-survivors/eva-kor/her-story/her-story.html/title/read-about-eva-s-road-to-forgiveness#:~:text=Eva%20read%20Dr.,lifted%20and%20she%20felt%20strong.
Mayo Clinic Staff (2022). Forgiveness: Letting go of grudges and bitterness. Mayo Clinic. Retrieved from https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/forgiveness/art-20047692.