By Bethany Graham
“Choose people who lift you up.”
The tallest mountain near my home is called Mt. Timpanogos. It stands at an epic 11, 753 feet and its tall peak is streaked with snow late into the summer months each year. Against the skyline, the mountain’s peaks cut boldly into the open space creating what looks like an outline of a sleeping woman. Her long hair can be seen falling loosely down the shaded mountain paths
on the northern edge while the last peak on the southern end is the tip of her feet. Local legend tells of a beautiful young woman named Utahnah who was a part of the Native American tribe that lived on the mountain. When the God of their tribe, Timpanogos, became angry with the tribe, Utahnah was chosen by the people to be sacrificed in order to appease his wrath. At the command of her friends and family, she made the long trek up the mountain, eventually throwing herself off its tallest peak. My current apartment has a beautiful view of Mt. Timpanogos. When I look out the window and see Timpanogos’ steep mountain trails, I can imagine the long and terrible journey that Utahnah must have embarked on that day. With a heart full of sorrow, rejection, and fear, the hike to the top of the mountain must have been strenuous and full of despair. The people in her tribe hadn’t rejected her out of malice or because they were bad people, but rather they had rejected her due to fear and tradition. Because of this, they weren’t able to save her from her greatest fall.
This story has often caused me to reflect on the importance of my personal relationshipsand what role they play in my own life. I, like many people, am surrounded by a variety of people each day. Studies have found that people who consider themselves “very happy” are more likely to be surrounded by friends and family members and to interact with them. These people are also likely to spend significantly less time alone than their less happy counterparts (Diener & Seligman, 2002).
But does surrounding yourself with people always mean you will be happier? Is having any type of relationship with someone enough, even if that relationship is negative? One study in 2016 asked a similar question. The researchers of the study acknowledged that “support seeking” was a common coping strategy for adolescents when experiencing a crisis. The study tracked the efficiency of support seeking among different youth and found that, while it was effective for some youth, it was also much less effective and sometimes harmful for others (Lennarz et al.,2016).
I think it is likely that we can all think of a time where we have been in a situation where the relationships around us did not lead us to feel supported. It is also likely that we have been someone who has been unsupportive to a friend in their time of need. So how do we recognize supportive relationships so we can surround ourselves with them as well as cultivate our own ability to support others? The Gottman Institute suggests that there are multiple signs of a healthy relationship (The Gottman Institute, 2024).
Three of these include:
1- Listening
2- Appreciation
3- Vulnerability
Below are listed ideas of how to recognize and implement each of these three aspects of supportive relationships into your own life.
Listening
In supportive relationships, each person listens intently to the other person. The speaker’s needs feel important and relevant to the listener. Distractions are minimized so each person can focus and create deep connections. In her book, Reclaiming conversation: The power of talk in a digital age (2016), Sherry Turkle explains that the distractions that we face due to technology can keep us from truly listening to those around us. This leads us towards fragmented and non-supportive relationships that are only as deep as the last post a person shared or comment they gave to your own post. Rather, in order to form truly supportive relationships, we need to learn to listen deeply to our friends and those we socialize with.
Appreciation
It can be difficult to truly appreciate the people that are in your life, especially when they play an everyday role such as a parent, sibling, or spouse. Studies have shown that, due to hedonic adaptation, human beings find less and less value in the things around them until eventually they return to a set point of happiness (Lyubomirsky, 2008). In order to counteract this pattern in our interpersonal lives, we must learn to savor our relationships. This could look like keeping a journal of the things you appreciate about someone or remembering and sharing favorite experiences you’ve had with someone. Those who form supportive relationships with others will make efforts to truly appreciate them and help them to see that appreciation.
Vulnerability
Lastly, in supportive relationships, people will be vulnerable with each other. According to a 2006 study done by Brene Brown, a lack of personal vulnerability can lead to shame and overpowering negative emotions (Brown, 2006). Vulnerability allows for relationships to thrive because each person is bringing their true self to the relationship. Each person is acknowledging that they have weaknesses, fears, and shortcomings but is also willing to accept that they still are deserving of friendship and love. When relationships intentionally cultivate vulnerability, each person in the relationship can truly support the other and find meaning and fulfillment in the mutual connection.
***
Now when I stare up at the stunning peaks of Mt. Timpanogos and see the jutting outline of Utahnah’s body in its cliffs and gullies, I can’t help but feel that she lies there as a reminder to each of us. They say that inside her rocky exterior, deep within the mountain’s largest cave, you can find the heart of Utahnah. Formed from the large stalactites and years of quiet moisture squeezing through the walls of the chamber-like enclosure, the gigantic stalactite has grown
larger, its frozen life pushing against the cold stone. I’ve never seen the stalactite heart, but I can imagine sitting in front of it, staring at its damp surface and thinking about Utahnah’s tragic death. I’m reminded that our relationships help form our lives; they can lift us up when we are falling, or they can be the reason for our fall. I am also reminded that my own life is a summation of the help others have given me when I was unable to help myself. My life is also full of times I have been unaware or unwilling to help someone in need.
And so, at the center of Utah mountain grave, the heart continues to grow layer upon layer through the wet tears of the mountain cave- a monument to the tragedy of what can happen when someone in desperate need cannot find the support to keep them from their fall. It is also a reminder to each of us that we each need supportive relationships to carry us through the challenges of social pressures and life expectations. And, not only do we need that support, but we can provide that support for the people around us. We can stand ready to save our friends, family, and acquaintances from their own desperate falls
For more information on Supportive Relationships:
““I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people that make you feel all alone.””
References
Brown, B. (2006). Shame resilience theory: A grounded theory study on women and shame. Families in Society, 87(1), 43-52. https://doi.org/10.1606/1044-3894.3483
Diener, E., & Seligman, M. E. P. (2002). Very happy people. Psychological Science, 13(1), 81–84. https://doi.org/10.1111/1467-9280.00415
Lennarz, H. K., van Roekel, E., Kuntsche, E., Lichtwarck-Aschoff, A., Hollenstein, T., Engels, R. C. M. E., & Granic, I. (2016). Associations between interpersonal relationships and negative affect in adolescents: An experience sampling study on the role of trait coping. Swiss Journal of Psychology, 75(2), 71-79. https://doi.org/10.1024/1421-0185/a000172
Lyubomirsky, S. (2008). The how of happiness: A new approach to getting the life you want. Penguin Books.
The Gottman Institute. (April 16, 2024). 30 Days to a Better Relationship. https://www.gottman.com/product/30-days-to-a-better-relationship/
Turkle, S. (2016). Reclaiming conversation: The power of talk in a digital age. Penguin Books.