Introductory Exercise

Grab a piece of paper or open a note on your phone. Now ask yourself: how do I/would I typically treat a friend who is hurting? Jot down specific phrases you would say, facial expressions you would make, adjectives describing your reaction, or things you might do for them. Perhaps even recall a recent time that this happened and how you reacted. Try to be detailed in your notes. Spend at least a couple minutes on this.

Now ask yourself: how do I treat myself when I am hurting? Make similar notes, including phrases you would use, facial expressions, adjectives, or actions. Be genuine about it. Compare these answers to your previous ones. 

If you see a discrepancy between the way you answered the first question and the way you answered the second, you are not alone; 78% of people (the vast majority) report being more compassionate to others than they are to themselves.  If this seems true for you, cultivating a little more self-compassion might make a big difference in rising to the challenges in your life. You are absolutely just as deserving of the love, acceptance, and kindness that you would naturally extend to a friend in need, in spite of what your “inner critic” might say at times. This module is about noticing when that inner critic is getting out of hand, and increasing our capacity to meet challenges and achieve our goals by learning to extend the same kindness and understanding toward ourselves that we would offer to others.

What is Self-Compassion?

As an introduction, listen to Dr. Kristin Neff, pioneering researcher on this topic, describe what self-compassion is and how it works (starting at 12:25):

To best understand self-compassion, it will be helpful to step back and introduce a couple other concepts from eastern mindfulness traditions, namely lovingkindness and dukkha. Lovingkindness is a translation of the Pali word metta. (Pali was the language in which the Buddha’s writings were recorded.) Metta (lovingkindness) is love, benevolence, goodwill and ultimately “universal, unselfish, all-embracing love.” Lovingkindness is the wish that all beings live happily.

Dukkha is a core idea in Buddhist philosophy. Roughly translated, it means unpleasantness or unsatisfactoriness and refers broadly to the suffering that is inherent in life. As derived from Buddhist psychology, compassion is the desire to ease suffering or dukkha in something or someone; it involves not fearing, resisting, or keeping distance from suffering. It is the willingness to “suffer with” (see the Compassion module for more on this!). Suffering is a prerequisite for compassion (but not for lovingkindness). Compassion is the wish that all beings be free from suffering. When lovingkindness bumps into suffering and stays loving, it becomes compassion.

Self-compassion, therefore, means wanting ourselves to be free from suffering. It means being kind to ourselves and wishing the best for ourselves. It involves turning toward our emotional pain and responding with kindness and understanding. It means bearing witness to our pain. With self-compassion, we give ourselves the loving kindness we might more instinctively give to a good friend.

Wanting ourselves to be free from suffering is one of the most natural things in the world; we strive for it consistently. Think about when you get a bad burn or cut. What is the first thing you do? Probably apply pressure, run it under cold water, or cover it with a Band-Aid. We try to lessen the pain because we don’t like pain! We want to be free from suffering! However, when it comes to emotional pain, often we don’t go about freeing ourselves from it in the most effective ways. We have the tendency to resist painful experiences and emotions, trying to be free from them. The fight or flight response has proved an effective evolutionary tool for coping with physical dangers, but the problem comes when this instinctive reaction is applied to emotional danger. We try to fight it or flee from it instead of constructively facing it. Fight, flight, and freeze (three natural responses) when applied to mental/emotional stress take the forms of self-criticism, self-isolation, and self-absorption, respectively. Unfortunately, these responses tend to increase emotional pain rather than heal it.

Ways to Think About Self-Compassion

At its most basic level, self-compassion is about not harming ourselves. Ideally, we want to alleviate our own suffering, but the first step for many might be to stop making it worse! The majority of the ways we harm ourselves are not conscious or overt but are unconscious or ingrained mental habits, like constant comparison or self-criticism. Self-compassion asks “is this hurting or harming me in any way?” and if the answer is yes, let it go.

Imagine you are running on a trail in the woods. The terrain is a little rough. You trip over an exposed tree root, fall clumsily to the ground, and scrape up your knee. You see the wound starting to bleed. In addition to the physical pain of the injury, you feel frustrated and embarrassed for having stumbled. At this moment, would it make sense to grab a handful of dirt and rocks and rub it forcefully into the wound? Of course not. Yet this is often what we do with self-criticism in response to stumbling over emotional challenges.       

Consequently, a way to think of self-compassion is simply giving yourself what you need in this moment. Self-compassion is all about being there for ourselves. Compassion is to give others, and ourselves, what is needed; not necessarily what is wanted, but what is needed to bring peace, joy, and comfort. What do you do already to take care of yourself?

To illustrate, here is Olivia’s list of some typical acts of self-care: “Turning to my husband, eating when I’m hungry, cooking, talking with people I love, acts of spiritual devotion, stopping when I’m maxed, planning fun things, and reminiscing on happy things from the past.” These very things are self-compassion! They are what she needs in the moment. Our deepest need is to love and to be loved. We may not always be able to guarantee that what we need will be immediately available from the people around us. So how do we learn to give ourselves those personal and basic needs, including love? In conjunction to accepting love from others, we can learn patience, kindness, and understanding with ourselves. Instead of being your own rival, you can become friends with yourself. We could all use one more good friend!

One of the most common and effective ways that researchers and clinicians explain self-compassion is treating yourself like you would treat a good friend. Think back to the introductory activity. If you didn’t complete it, you could try it out now. Typically, we naturally feel compassion toward dear friends and loved ones. We want what is genuinely best for them; we want their short-term and long-term happiness and it makes us sad when they suffer. We usually don’t beat them up for experiencing hardship; rather, their suffering makes our hearts engage and want to comfort and give aid. What if we could learn to react that way to our own suffering? You are just as deserving of a compassionate response as any of those dear ones you care about!

An Important Note: Cultural Resistance to Self-Compassion

Our western culture isn’t very good at self-compassion. We live in a comparison-based, self-critical, never-enough society where many believe that value lies in pushing ourselves too hard, being overly busy, or having the longest to-do list. Sociocultural pressure has contributed to the recent increase in eating disorders, depression, and other mental health concerns. There is a cultural resistance to self-care and self-acceptance—and it isn’t contributing to our well-being and improvement! Radical acceptance often makes us feel like we’re violating some sort of moral code—that acceptance and progress can’t coexist, when really progress is most likely to occur when acceptance is present! From a cultural perspective, self-compassion is needed now more than ever. Self-compassion may be a potential antidote to the mental pressure many feel, which manifests itself in stress, depression, anxiety, and perfectionism. Notice any resistance to self-compassion (the idea or practice of it) and recognize how your reaction may have roots in our individualistic, competitive culture. [And, if so, let it go!]