Introductory Exercise
Grab a piece of paper or open a note on your phone. Ask yourself: How do I typically treat a friend who is hurting? Jot down specific phrases you might say, facial expressions you would make, adjectives describing your reaction, or actions you might take. You could even recall a recent time when this happened and how you responded. Be as detailed as possible, and spend at least a couple of minutes on this.
Now ask: How do I treat myself when I’m hurting? Make similar notes, including phrases, facial expressions, adjectives, or actions. Be honest in your reflections. Compare your answers to the first question.
Is there a difference in how you treat others compared to yourself? Do you find it easier to have compassion for others but not for yourself? If so, cultivating more self-compassion can make a big difference in how you face life’s challenges. You deserve the same love, acceptance, and kindness you offer to friends—even when your inner critic suggests otherwise. This module will help you recognize when that critic is overactive and teach you how to meet challenges by offering yourself the same kindness you extend to others.
What is Self-Compassion?
“Self-compassion is simply giving the same kindness to ourselves that we would give to others.”
As an introduction, listen to Dr. Kristin Neff (a leading self-compassion researcher) describe what self-compassion is and how it works (starting at 12:25):
To better understand self-compassion, it’s helpful to first explore two concepts from Eastern mindfulness traditions: lovingkindness and dukkha. Lovingkindness, or metta (Pali for love, benevolence, and goodwill), is described as “universal, unselfish, all-embracing love.” Metta represents the wish for all beings to live happily. Dukkha is a core Buddhist idea, meaning unpleasantness or suffering inherent in life. Derived from Buddhist psychology, compassion is the desire to ease dukkha—“suffer with”—by turning toward suffering rather than avoiding it (see the Compassion module for more). Suffering is a prerequisite for compassion (but not for lovingkindness). Compassion is the wish that all beings be free from suffering. When loving-kindness encounters suffering, it transforms into compassion.
Self-compassion, then, means wishing ourselves to be free from suffering and responding to our emotional pain with the same lovingkindness we might instinctively give to a friend.
As humans, we naturally want to ease suffering. However, when it comes to emotional distress, we often avoid or resist it. Mental and emotional “fight, flight, or freeze” responses—such as self-criticism, self-isolation, and self-absorption—can actually amplify, rather than alleviate, emotional pain.
Ways to Think About Self-Compassion
At its core, self-compassion is about not causing harm to ourselves. We may harm ourselves through unconscious habits, like constant comparison to others or self-criticism. Self-compassion asks, “Is this hurting me?” If the answer is yes, we can choose to let it go.
Imagine you’re running on a rough trail in the woods. You trip over an exposed tree root, fall awkwardly, and scrape your knee. As the wound begins to bleed, you feel not only physical pain but also frustration and embarrassment. Would it make sense to rub dirt and rocks into your wound? Of course not. Yet, emotionally, this is what we do when we criticize ourselves for stumbling through life’s challenges.
A helpful way to think about self-compassion is simply giving yourself what you need in the moment. It’s about being present with yourself. Compassion, whether for others or ourselves, involves giving what is needed to invite peace, joy, or comfort to a situation. What are you already doing to take care of yourself?
For instance, Olivia practices self-care through these actions: “Turning to my husband, eating when I’m hungry, cooking, talking with people I love, acts of spiritual devotion, stopping when I’m maxed, planning fun things, and reminiscing on happy things from the past.” These are her ways of practicing self-compassion—meeting her needs in the moment.
One of our deepest needs is to love and be loved. While we can’t always rely on others to meet this need, we can still practice offering it to ourselves. Through patience, kindness, and understanding, we can foster self-compassion. Rather than being our own worst critic, we can become our own friend—and who couldn’t use another good friend?
Researchers and clinicians commonly explain self-compassion as treating yourself as you would a close friend. Like in the introductory exercise, we naturally feel compassion for those we care about, wishing them the best and offering kindness when they struggle. What if we responded to our own suffering with the same compassion? Remember, you deserve the same kindness you offer others.
“We all have an instinct for self-compassion, perhaps forgotten or suppressed, that’s even stronger than the instinct to resist suffering.”
An Important Note: Cultural Resistance to Self-Compassion
Our western culture isn’t very good at self-compassion. We live in a comparison-based, self-critical, never-enough society where many believe that value lies in pushing ourselves too hard, being overly busy, or having the longest to-do list. Sociocultural pressure has contributed to the recent increase in eating disorders, depression, and other mental health concerns. There is a cultural resistance to self-care and self-acceptance—and it isn’t contributing to our well-being and improvement!
We may feel that we can’t accept ourselves and make progress at the same time. However, true progress is most likely to occur when acceptance is present. In today’s fast-paced, competitive culture, self-compassion is more important than ever. It may be the antidote to the mental strain many face, manifesting as stress, anxiety, depression, and perfectionism. Pay attention to any resistance you feel toward self-compassion, recognizing how much of it is shaped by cultural norms. When you notice it, see if you can let it go.