What Self-Compassion is Not

• Self-pity – Self-compassion is not self-pity because it doesn’t exaggerate suffering (mindfulness helps us recognize suffering for what it is). Pity keeps its distance from suffering - feeling bad for the person, rather than feeling empathy (feeling with them) or compassion (wanting to make things better).

• Self-indulgent – Self-compassion cares for our long-term health and overall well-being, not short-term pleasure. Even though self-compassion feels wonderful, it is not indulgent because it is a healthy and productive option in the long run.

• Narcissistic – Narcissism lacks both mindfulness (namely an accurate, balanced awareness of one’s place in the world) and an appreciation for our common humanity. Self-compassion doesn’t close us off from others by becoming more self-centered; it makes us feel closer to the rest of life and is the foundation of kindness toward others.

• Selfish – It is not selfish to care for ourselves and cope with our suffering. Demeaning our suffering by comparing it to others’ greater suffering can be a form of avoidance or a cause of shame; it is not selfless. Additionally, when we become proficient at self-compassion, it only takes a few moments to help ourselves, leaving us with the time, energy, and skills to care for others.

• Lazy/passive – The most common reason people give for being self-critical or self-judgmental is that they need it for motivation (ex: “If I weren’t self-critical, I wouldn’t achieve as much”). However, recent neuropsychology research has shown that self-criticism taps into our threat defense system (there is a threat to our mental/emotional self and our body gears up to defend us…from ourselves). This includes the release of stress hormones such as cortisol and adrenaline, the presence of which undermines our long-term motivation. But when we practice self-compassion, feeling safe and comforted releases oxytocin and opiates (feel good hormones) that provide the ideal state for motivation!

• Self-esteem – Self-esteem is all about a positive self-evaluation, while self-compassion isn’t contingent on what you think of yourself or anyone else! If you didn’t watch the Kristin Neff video at the beginning of the module, it explains well the difference between self-esteem and self-compassion.

• Part of a religion – While self-compassion has roots in Buddhist thought traditions, you don’t have to adopt any new deities or beliefs or even have a faith tradition in order to practice self-compassion.