By Rebekah Hanson
“A friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future, and accepts you just the way you are.”
It’s no question that we all want to have good friends. Most of us would also like to be good friends. Is it difficult to believe that these two concepts would go hand-in-hand? Be a good friend to others, and they will want to be a good friend in return. Whether we thrive in large social gatherings or find ourselves perfectly content with one or two close friends, the human need for social connection is innate. In fact, studies have found that a lack of such relationships can be fatal. Believe it or not, one study found that people who reported having poor social connections had a 40% higher mortality rate (a rate similar to that of smokers) than those who reported having positive and supportive connections. Who would have thought that friends could quite literally save our lives—or at least extend them?
I became especially interested in this topic in the recent months after ending a romantic relationship that stripped me of many other important social connections in my life. At the beginning of the relationship, I felt confident that I would be perfectly content to have him and only him in my life. However, as time passed, I began to recognize the negative impact this social isolation was having on my mental health and overall well-being. Even more so, when this relationship unexpectedly came to an end, I thought I would certainly be totally and utterly alone after neglecting and even chipping away at some very dear relationships. However, in my moment of distress, stalwart friends came to my rescue and carried me through my difficult times. I now want to be that same kind of friend in return. Thus, I will discuss four key factors in creating lasting and meaningful relationships.
1. Be Present
Put down your phone and rid yourself of distractions whenever possible. Life is too short and our real-life relationships too precious to spend your days with your face stuck on a screen. Look up! Look around! Enjoy the moments that you have with those you love. Surely at the end of your life, you will not say you wish you had spent more time on social media or surfing the web. Of course not! That’s ridiculous! We know that! But then why are far too many of us guilty of just that? Cherish each moment you have cultivating the relationships that matter most. Plus, studies have shown that life satisfaction increases with the size of the network of face-to-face friends, but not with the existence and size of their networks of on-line friends. So, stop wasting time on virtual relationships that, in the end, have no actual impact on your overall well-being, and instead focus on strengthening those that have been found to increase your happiness. And, if those people with whom you have virtual relationships are important to you, cultivate a face-to-face relationship with them! Creating strong, healthy relationships will help you—and them—not only thrive, but survive.
2. Listen
Who likes being around people that only want to talk about themselves? The hard, honest truth is: no one. Both the introvert and extrovert alike have an innate desire to be heard and valued. Of course there will be times in life when a friend approaches you seeking advice or maybe some kind words of affirmation, but nine out of ten times, when a friend in need comes to you, all they really want is for you to listen. One of the best ways we can show someone that we care is by simply showing interest in that person and the things they care about. Make an effort to actually get to know someone and better understand them by being engaged and actively listening as they talk. Strive to maintain eye contact and don’t try to turn the focus back on you by relating their experiences to your own. Of course there is a time and a place for this, but next time a friend in need comes to you, try to just listen. Simply be there to cry with them or rejoice with them in their successes, for a true friend finds joy in another’s accomplishments. Ernest Hemingway once said,“I like to listen. I have learned a great deal from listening carefully. Most people never listen.” Let’s all try to listen a little harder and speak a little less. We have been given two ears and only one mouth for a reason, right?
3. Be Vulnerable
I have discovered that a key factor in creating meaningful relationships is being willing to be vulnerable. Far too many of us feel that being open about our struggles or shortcomings is a sign of weakness. However, if you allow yourself, you will quickly discover that despite a person’s “ideal life” portrayed over social media or the “care-free”, “perfect” aura they always seem to emanate, every person has their problems. If you are willing to take the time to get to know someone, you will probably discover that they are just as insecure as you are. So stop trying to fill that mold of the “perfect person.” Despite what you may think, people do not want to be friends with perfect people. The more perfect others think you are, the less likely they will feel they can connect with you. By being vulnerable and willing to admit that you are just as flawed as everyone else, you will find it much easier to relate to those around you, and they will discover the same about you. Plus, by opening up about things you may struggle with, you will open the doors to a support system that you may one day find you desperately need. There is a Swedish proverb that teaches, “Shared joy is a double joy; shared sorrow is half a sorrow.” Welcome others into your life by allowing them to share in both your joys and in your sorrows, and then go and do the same for your friends. Vulnerability in your friendship could be the key to deepening and strengthening a relationship you already cherish.
“Shared joy is a double joy; shared sorrow is half a sorrow.”
4. Serve
What better way to show someone you love them than by serving them? I mean, isn’t that the ultimate expression of love? I have found that the people who mean the most to me are those who are willing to take a few minutes out of their busy lives to show that they are thinking of me and that I matter to them. Whether that is by simply sending a quick text or just being there to listen, the gift of time can truly be the sweetest gift we can give. How much are you willing to sacrifice for your friends? In what way can you better show your love and appreciation for them? Whether or not you feel your kind acts are significant in another’s life, kindness is kindness and could be the glue in a broken relationship or even just in a friend’s broken day. The best part about it is that, by serving, both you and the recipient benefit and experience an increase in happiness. In the end, you’ll never regret time spent serving and loving a friend.
I think we can all benefit by taking a moment or two to consider the relationships we value and recognize what we can do to improve them. If you want more friends, simply be a good friend! It’s as simple as that. Make a greater effort to be present, to actively listen, to be more vulnerable, and to perform acts of kindness for those you love, and you will watch as new friendships bloom and already established relationships deepen. Also, notice the way these new and improved friendships make you feel! Studies prove that such healthy and supportive relationships are key to a person’s happiness, and could be the secret to the happiness you feel you are lacking. In the wise words of Zig Ziglar, “If you go looking for a friend, you’re going to find they’re very scarce. If you go out to be a friend, you’ll find them everywhere.” I wish you the best of luck in cultivating rewarding, life-long relationships! Check out the My Best Self 101 Supportive Relationships module for more information about the effect of social connections in your well-being and more strategies to help you in this aspect of your life.
