By Andrea Hunsaker
The sun is sinking over the water, coloring the sky with a warm glow. A couple relaxes on the couch reading magazines and watching TV in a romantic Seattle vacation apartment overlooking the blue waters of the Montlake coast. No work, no kids, just the two love birds...oh, and the cameras mounted on the wall, the heart rate monitors strapped to their chests, and the one-way kitchen mirror that hides the room of researchers observing their every interaction. The next hit reality show? Not quite. This is the famous “love lab,” where researcher John Gottman invited hundreds of couples to stay the weekend so he could study them from 9 a.m. to 9 p.m. (minus bathroom breaks). He studied so many couples and with so much detail, in fact, that he can now observe a couple talking for 15 minutes and then predict with 91% accuracy whether or not they are headed for divorce. He doesn’t get invited to many dinner parties.
Considering what we know about the importance of supportive relationships to health and happiness, Gottman’s research on couple relationships is gold. We know, on average, that married people are more healthy both physically and mentally. In fact, a person’s romantic relationship affects their health just as much as diet and exercise (Robles et al., 2014). But these effects go both ways. A relationship in distress deteriorates health and well-being. So, Gottman’s extensive research on how happy relationships work and what happens between couples in troubled waters can be both a user's guide to nurturing your partnership and a caution for what not to do.
Beware the Four Horsemen
It can get pretty boring in the observation room behind the “love lab,” so Gottman asked his participants to get in a fight. He asked them to discuss an ongoing disagreement, and discovered that troubled relationships had certain things in common. Happy couples fight and argue and even have screaming matches, but there was a difference in the way they did it. The troubled relationships heading for divorce included some form of what Gottman calls the four horsemen of the apocalypse (signaling the end of days…get it?).
1. Criticism - This is more than just a complaint, which focuses on a specific behavior (e.g. “I wish you shoveled the driveway yesterday like you said you would”). Criticism is an attack on the partner’s character or personality (e.g. “You never follow through with your promises. I can’t count on you”).
2. Contempt - This is criticism in hulk form—full of hostility or disgust. It often includes sarcasm, mocking, and name calling (e.g. “You’re such an idiot”). An eye roll is a tell-tale sign of contempt. It essentially gives the message, “I am better than you.”
3. Defensiveness - This is a refusal to take responsibility for a problem, and counter attacking or cross complaining. (“It’s not me, it’s you.”)
4. Stonewalling - This is when a partner shuts down from the conversation. They put up a wall and offer no evidence that they are affected by what the other is saying. (“Whatever, I don’t care.”)
“The crimes of the heart are usually misdemeanors.”
The Antidotes
If you recognize some of these in your romantic relationship, all is not lost. While Dr. Gottman was researching marriages, he met his wife, clinical psychologist Julie Schwartz Gottman. Together, they are the dream team of saving troubled marriages and making relationships go from “okay” to “great.” Combining research with clinical practice, they have discovered the antidotes for the four horsemen.
1. The antidote to criticism is to make requests about a specific behavior instead of attacking your partner's character. This can be done by avoiding the word “you” and using “I”-statements to talk about your feelings. Doing this will create a “gentle start-up”—the ability to address a problem gently without insulting your partner. Conversations that start this way are much more likely to go well because the receiving partner is more willing to listen and compromise.
2. The antidote to contempt is appreciation. Russ Harris, author of ACT with Love, suggests a person identify 3 things each day about their partner. Appreciating your partner’s strengths and qualities and recognizing even small things that your partner does for you instantly warms the relationship, and with repetition, strengthens the bonds between you:
“3 Things I Noticed Today That I Appreciate About My Partner”
“3 Ways My Partner Contributed to My Life Today”
“3 Things My Partner Said or Did Today That Represent Their Best Strengths and Qualities”
Find the worksheet here: http://eightfoldcounseling.com/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/13-Appreciating-Your-Partner.pdf
3. Accepting responsibility for the ways you contribute to the problem is the antidote for defensiveness. Try not to take it personally. Remember: the problem is the problem, not you or your spouse. Be open to seeing things from your partner’s perspective. Being willing to say “I'm sorry” goes a loooong way. And self-compassion helps here too. It also helps to see the longing in your partner’s complaint. The wife who is upset that her husband comes home late really just wants to spend more time with him.
4. Self-soothing is the antidote for stonewalling. The Gottmans found that those who stonewalled were physiologically flooded. They had racing heart rates and were in a fight/flight state which made it impossible to think, let alone come to a peaceful understanding. Tell your partner that you need a break and that you would like to come back to the conversation in 20 minutes (that’s how long the Gottmans found it takes). During that time, ground yourself with something that soothes you, like meditating—the RAIN practice is an excellent choice—or reading a book. Then, come back to the conversation with some space from your thoughts and feelings.
There is no such thing as a perfect relationship, and it doesn’t have to be! A little nurturing and intentional attention to your significant other is an investment in health and happiness for the both of you. May you love and be loved on your life's journey with a good friend beside you.
Find more resources to tend to your relationships here.
“As soon as I saw you, I knew a grand adventure was about to happen.”
References
Christenses, A., Doss, B., & Jacobson, N. (2014). Reconcilable Differences. Guilford Press.
Robles, T., Slatcher, R., Trombello, J., Mcginn, M. (2014). Marital quality and health: A meta-analytic review. Psychology Bulletin, 140, 140–87.