By Abigail Anderson
“Remember you have been critical of yourself for years and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.”
When you hear the word compassion, what do you think of? You may think of comforting a friend who is grieving the loss of a loved one, visiting an elderly neighbor who is lonely, or simply hugging your sister who just went through a difficult breakup. Most people understand the general concept of compassion, which is “the emotional experience of seeing another’s suffering and being moved to try to alleviate that suffering” (Hansen & Warren, n.d.). For most of us, when we see a loved one going through a difficult situation and experiencing painful emotions, our natural instinct is to want to help them in order to ease their pain. It’s hard to watch someone you care about suffer.
Sitting with someone in their suffering, offering comforting words, and then doing what you can to help them is the epitome of compassion. Wouldn’t you agree that this is the best way to treat a friend who is hurting?
But what if this friend is yourself? If it was you who just got cut from your high school basketball team, lost your job, or was diagnosed with a chronic illness, would you offer yourself the same support, love, and kindness that you would offer a loved one? Self-Compassion is simply “extending to yourself the same kindness and care that you would offer to a good friend” (Hansen & Warren, n.d.).
Many of us are good at practicing compassion but slow to practice self-compassion. Why? One reason could be that we think we need to be hard on ourselves in order to improve and be successful. We may believe that if we were to treat ourselves with greater compassion, we wouldn’t reach our potential. Even though this seems like a logical assumption at first, it is simply not true. As we offer ourselves compassion during our times of suffering, we are better able to confront painful emotions in order to work through them.
Coming to understand this has been a life-changing experience for me. Growing up, I thought that in order to be successful I had to push myself to be the best. Anything less than perfect was unacceptable. When I fell short of my unrealistically-high expectations (which happened often), I would have thoughts about myself that I would NEVER say to a friend: “You’ll never be good enough”, “What’s wrong with you?”, “You’re not pretty or fun. It’s no wonder you have no friends.” I look back, and I’m appalled that I was so unkind to myself. When I learned about self-compassion, I realized that this was something I needed to work on. As I’ve practiced self-compassion, I’ve gotten better at recognizing negative thoughts that automatically pop into my head. Instead of desperately trying to push all these thoughts away, I’ve learned to be mindful and give them space, then purposely think new thoughts that are loving and kind. I am not perfect at this, but I am going to keep trying so that my mind can continue to be a safe place for me.
Some think that practicing self-compassion is selfish, but when you treat yourself with kindness, you’re better able to be compassionate to those around you. Often when we hurt ourselves by being overly critical, we tend to lash out and hurt others. (We all know the phrase “misery loves company.”) Being kind and loving towards yourself amplifies your ability to treat others that same way. You’re better able to lift others up when you’re on higher ground.
If self-compassion is something that you want to work on, here are some ideas of things you can do to implement it in your own life:
Do loving-kindness meditations. In these types of meditations, you focus on feeling love and compassion for yourself and others. You can find free guided meditations online or simply practice on your own.
Enroll in self-compassion courses. There are many self-compassion courses online that vary in price. Find one that fits your budget and get to work!
Challenge your inner critic through affirmations. Our thoughts have immense power. Most thoughts automatically tend to be critical since our brain has been wired to focus on the negative. While it’s mentally rigorous to begin challenging these thoughts using positive affirmations, it can eventually become a helpful habit.
Write a kind letter to yourself. This exercise can help you materialize your self-compassion by writing down phrases that convey acceptance of your whole self, even the parts you may dislike.
Remember that you are just as worthy of your own love and kindness as anyone else you know!
References
Hansen, O. & Warren, J. (n.d.). Compassion. My Best Self 101. https://www.mybestself101.org/self-compassion.
Hansen, O. & Warren, J. (n.d.). Self-compassion. My Best Self 101. https://www.mybestself101.org/compassion.