By leini jenkins
“The gem cannot be polished without friction, nor man perfected without trials.”
Growing up, I believed that life was about avoiding negative emotions; if you had them, it was best to eliminate them. No one explicitly told me this; instead, the actions of others perpetuated this belief. I also noticed that those who expressed sadness or pain seemed ashamed for feeling something other than happiness. I also started to feel ashamed about my inability to be happy all the time. I often felt conflicted because I preferred sad and minor tones in music, art that portrayed the human experience of sorrow and the sublime, and stories that carried themes of "beauty from ashes." Maybe you, like me, have felt a little out of place in a society that pushes for "happy" all the time. I am here to tell you that feeling emotions, such as sorrow and sadness, and experiencing pain and loss is what it means to be human, just as happiness and joy are part of being human.
I recently discovered a book that has helped me make space for all emotions and experiences by honoring the part of me that I had been neglecting due to cultural and societal pressure. In Susan Cain's (2022) most recent book, Bittersweet, she explores the construct of bittersweetness. Bittersweetness is a tendency to states of poignancy, longing, sorrow, and piercing joy when beholding something beautiful. It recognizes that birth and death, light and dark, and joy and sorrow are connected. In America, we often prioritize positivity, finding happiness, and feeling good all the time while trying to block out or eliminate negativities. However, suppressing the negative may not serve us well in the long run or set us up for true flourishing. In her book, Susan Cain (2022) explains that building awareness that bitter and sweet co-exist while learning to acknowledge this holistic view of humanity can help us cultivate what she refers to as the bittersweet mindset. This mindset can help us identify what we long for, transcend our collective pain through creativity, and develop a deeper appreciation for moments of joy and beauty.
Longing
First, the bittersweet mindset helps us acknowledge our longings. Susan Cain (2022) explains that a fundamental aspect of being human is a sense of longing for a more perfect and beautiful world. She describes this longing as momentum in disguise. "It's active, not passive; touched with the creative, the tender, and the divine. We long for something or someone. We reach for it; we move toward it." She explains that these longings are the yearnings of the soul; listening will lead us to engage in tasks that bring purpose and meaning. You may long to create, so you spend more time developing an artistic skill. Perhaps you long for fulfilling relationships, so you start spending more quality time with family or friends. You may long to make a difference, so you dedicate more time to serving your community in a meaningful way.
Reading about longing reminded me of the power of identifying personal values. I noticed that my longings aligned with some of my values. Thinking of this relationship, our longings can help point us to what we value. If you find it difficult to pinpoint your values, ask yourself what you long for. Susan Cain (2022) says, "follow your longing where it's telling you to go.” If you want to learn more about putting your longing into action by living your values, check out our Values Module.
Pain and Sorrow Make Us Whole
Second, the bittersweet mindset acknowledges that all humans will experience pain at some point, and many of us will experience profound pain or loss. A bittersweet mindset makes space for sorrow and realizes the common humanity of it—allowing for connection and authenticity. Carl Jung (1951) coined the term "wounded healer", which describes those who have suffered but go on to help others heal. Susan Cain (2022) shares some examples from ancient cultures depicting "wounded healers". In Greek myth, the centaur Chiron was injured by a poisoned arrow resulting in immense pain. However, this arrow also gave curative powers. In shamanistic cultures, those becoming healers must undergo an initiation process involving suffering. In Judaism, the Messiah surrounds himself with those who are poor and sick because he is one of them. His powers derive from the suffering he experiences. Today, you might find similar “wounded healers” in your community. Perhaps you are one yourself. Susan Cain (2022) suggests that instead of forcing a happy face, we learn to honor sadness and see it as an opportunity to connect with others. She says, “we transcend grief only when we realize how connected we are with all the other humans who struggle to transcend theirs.”
Joy, Beauty, and Creative Offerings
Lastly, bittersweet is realizing that you do not have the sweet without the bitter. One of my favorite things is rainstorms that end in broken clouds and streams of sunlight. The sunlight after a storm always seems to be more radiant. We may think that leaning into sadness takes us away from joy, but it has the potential to create a more radiant joy. On a podcast episode with Susan Cain and Brene Brown (2022), Brene relates a story of when she was 18. Her parents had just gone through a divorce, and Brene talks about wanting to grieve the experience, but everyone else seemed to ignore the grief. Brene says, "…I didn't understand why we had to hide it all the time because I didn't think it meant turning away from joy. I thought it meant walking deeper into joy." Susan Cain (2022) explains that acknowledging impermanence allows us to pause, savor the joys, and see the beauty more often. It also allows us to transform our pain into creative offerings. Creative offerings should allow us to process and mold pain into beauty. From works of art to music to writing, we see examples of creative offerings from others that many revere as beauty. Creative offerings should be meaningful, with the ability to “look pain in the eye and transform it into something else" (Cain, 2022).
It seems contradictory that all this talk about sadness and sorrow could be uplifting, but that is how I felt after reading Bittersweet. Accepting that life is both pain and joy, sadness and beauty, was nourishing and relieving.
Taking Action
If cultivating a bittersweet mindset sounds intriguing, below are a few prompts from Susan Cain’s book club kit to get you started. More resources and information about the book (which I highly recommend) can be found on Susan Cain’s website.
Write about a bittersweet moment or experience in your life.
Write about a “pain you can’t get rid of.” Is there a way to transform this pain into beauty? (when finished) How did writing about it make you feel?
“People play the happy songs on their playlists about 175 times on average, but they play the sad songs almost 800 times,” writes Susan Cain: “They tell researchers that they associate sad music with profound beauty, deep connection, transcendence, nostalgia, and common humanity.” Can you relate to this? What songs do you enjoy listening to? Which are your favorites and why?
Susan relates a shift she made to her morning routine to invite more beauty into her life. She started following various artists' pages on social media so that when she opens social media, various paintings fill her feed. Are there things you would adjust to bring more of what you find beautiful into your life?
“When life is sweet, say thank you and celebrate. And when life is bitter, say thank you and grow.”
References
Brown, B. (Host). (2022, March 23). Brené with Susan Cain on How Sorrow and Longing Make Us Whole, Part 1 of 2 [Audio podcast episode]. In Unlocking Us with Brené Brown. Parcast Network. https://brenebrown.com/podcast/how-sorrow-and-longing-make-us-whole-part-1-of-2/
Cain, S. (2022). Bittersweet: How sorrow and longing make us whole. Crown.
Jung, C. (1951). Fundamental questions of psychotherapy. Princeton University Press.