By Garrett DiReda
“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”
Hey there! We’ve all been hurt before, right? Whether it’s a friend who let us down, a family member who said something hurtful, or even something we did that we just can’t seem to forgive ourselves for. Holding onto these feelings slowly begins to weigh us down, and before we realize it, we are being crushed. Unforgiveness, specifically holding onto negative emotions towards our transgressor, has been considered less important for overall positive mental health and well-being in recent years (Singh et al., 2023). Why is this the case? Have we as a society determined that forgiveness does not play a crucial role in our overall mental health and well-being? Or is it possible that we may not fully understand forgiveness and its healing power? According to the American Psychological Association (APA), forgiveness is “willfully putting aside feelings of resentment toward someone who has committed a wrong, been unfair or hurtful, or otherwise harmed you in some way” (American Psychological Association). The interesting key to this definition lies in the use of the word “willfully.” Forgiveness is not merely accepting what happened or not being angry, it is a conscious decision that we all must make to put aside our feelings and learn to let go. Saying “I forgive you” to someone is all well and good but does it truly provide the relief we need?
Forgiveness might seem tough, but it’s one of the best things we can do for others and ourselves. I believed that I had mastered this skill by making a purposeful decision to forgive everyone no matter what, but life had a different plan for me. It wasn’t until a few years ago that I went through an experience that I believe almost broke me completely and put my true skills of forgiveness to the test. It was at this point that I realized that I had no idea what “true” forgiveness is and that was something I was going to have to work hard at specifically, forgiving someone even though I believed they didn’t deserve it. Most of us struggle with this aspect of forgiveness. We tell ourselves the same message over and over “This person doesn’t deserve forgiveness, so I won’t forgive them.” Is it truly because they don’t deserve to be forgiven? Or because part of us likes the feeling of holding onto anger and resentment. While it may feel good we are only sabotaging our well-being, we are missing out on all of the positive health benefits.
Benefits of Forgiveness
People often describe the feeling of forgiveness as “a weight being lifted off of their shoulders.” Choosing to forgive others gives us feelings of calm and peace that we are in desperate need of. Making the conscious decision to hold onto feelings of anger, resentment, or dislike towards a person without letting these feelings go will only increase the “weight” we feel on our shoulders. Holding onto these feelings will just lead us to feel more miserable, it doesn’t cause our wrongdoer any more pain or anguish. This is why taking small steps to forgive others allows us to slowly release the weight off of our shoulders. This allows a person to feel greater joy and happiness in life, instead of turmoil and hatred. According to researchers at Johns Hopkins Medicine, there are numerous health benefits of forgiving others. These are:
1) Decreased risk for heart attack
2) Improving cholesterol levels
3) Improved sleep
4) Reduced pain
5) Lower blood pressure
6) Lower levels of anxiety & depression
7) Large decrease in stress
(John Hopkins Medicine, 2024).
Just like any other aspect of life you want to excel at forgiveness is the same it requires practice. Luckily the ability to forgive improves with repeated practice and self-compassion. Self-compassion can go a long way as you try to succeed in something very difficult. You can read more about self-compassion here. It is also important to note that some situations may not require forgiveness, but rather understanding and patience. For example, if you texted your friend to hang out tonight and they didn’t respond to you until the next morning, rather than taking offense instead try to be more understanding and patient. Certain situations in life require much more forgiveness than the little inconveniences. I have noticed a noticeable change in my stress and frustration levels when walking to campus and people cut me off or are taking up the whole pathway. I have worked on forgiving them and moving on, instead of taking it personally and adding to the stress I already have.
The Ultimate Example of Forgiveness
Often when looking to try something new or improve something that we would like to be better at, we turn to real-life examples or stories to aid us along. The Savior of the World, Jesus Christ, is the ultimate example of forgiveness. Many times, throughout his life, he not only taught how to forgive but also forgave others. In the gospel of John Chapter 8, we can read the story of the woman caught in adultery. The religious leaders brought her to Jesus inquiring if she should be stoned as the law commanded, Jesus responded by saying, “He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her” (John 8:7). One by one, her accusers left, and Jesus was left alone with the women. He knelt next to her and said, “Neither do I condemn thee: go and sin no more” (John 8:11). The key detail in this story is that Jesus was the only person without sin, yet he did not cast a stone. He knew what the better choice was and chose to forgive, setting an example for the woman to live a better life. Jesus’ example did not stop there, his suffering on the cross is arguably the most profound forgiveness ever extended in history. As Jesus was being crucified on the cross, he prayed, “Father forgives them, for they know not what they do.” (Luke 23:34). The Savior was the only human being to live or will ever live who never sinned. Yet he experienced the most unfair and unjustifiable pain and hatred from many people. Still, he extended forgiveness even to those who were causing his suffering and leading him to death. His act of forgiveness exemplifies unconditional love and mercy, teaching us to forgive others, no matter the circumstances.
I have lived my entire life trying and failing to replicate the perfect example the Savior set by completely forgiving others. I few years ago me and my family received heartbreaking news that my oldest sister with a newborn baby was cutting my parents off along with us if we maintained a relationship with them. She had told us that since living away from my parents she realized how “toxic” and “abusive” they were to us growing up. Me and my siblings could hardly believe what we were hearing. Even though it wasn’t a perfect home we were raised in a kind and loving environment, and her claims were far from the truth. Over the next few years, I saw the pain and anguish my parents were in, constantly believing they raised us wrong, and we hated them. I began to develop strong feelings of hate towards my sister as she was tearing our family apart from the inside. I had held onto these feelings for years before realizing that if I did not forgive and let go, I would contribute to the division of my family. For me this situation of forgiveness was different. I do not have a relationship with her to this day, she still has negative things to say about my parents and I choose not to have that in my life. What I did do was forgive her and tell her I love her, I wish no harm on her or her family, and hope she lives a wonderful life. I wasn’t able to change her or her feelings but was able to change my own and my life. Forgiveness isn’t about how it impacts the other person, but how it impacts yourself. Ask yourself “What can I do today to better forgive others, or myself?” Often where we experience the most pain and negative emotions in our lives is choosing not to forgive ourselves. We may do this to punish ourselves for what we feel guilty or responsible for in life. I encourage you to ponder this
“Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does change the future.”
References
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