By Lexi Belz
“Emotions are not problems to be solved. They are signals to be interpreted.”
When you go to the beach, do you hear the ebb and flow of the ocean, see the sun reflecting off the swells, and the bubbly tide lapping at your feet? Or do you notice the sand getting in your shoes, the chaos of the waves churning and crashing, and the smell of seaweed and bird poop filling your nose? Both of them are there all the time, but what you decide to focus on will greatly affect your experience at the beach. Now say you are in the ocean, being tossed and turned by the waves, tumbled, unable to catch up to your friends swimming ahead of you. Where would your focus be then? There are many options: the frustration, exhaustion, and loneliness you feel, or recognition of your body’s ability to swim, the nice temperature of the water, and that you have friends to enjoy this day with. Where your attention is makes all the difference.
I feel I am a pretty optimistic person, but it took me years to recognize that optimism is NOT the same thing as toxic positivity. Toxic positivity is the act of focusing on positive emotions, experiences, and thoughts in extremes that cause negative emotions to be suppressed. This attitude is called toxic for a reason, it is a detrimental mindset that prevents people from experiencing and accepting the full range of emotions life has to offer. The American Psychological Association references a study (Ford et al., 2018) that shows greater psychological health is experienced in individuals who accept negative emotions. I grew up with the idea that some emotions were bad and should be avoided at all costs. What I strived for was to be happy all the time, that was the goal. Little did I know this was toxic positivity. Even now, my friends will frequently hear me talk about something difficult in my life or something that bothers me, but I will end with the phrase, “But it’s okay.” This habit is one I am working on changing, as that phrase is used to suggest it isn’t a big deal, to dismiss it as a concern. Sometimes it can be applicable, but often it is a form of avoidance I use to not have to validate, feel, and process uncomfortable feelings. I have practiced allowing myself to feel all emotions through mindfulness, meditation, self-compassion and cultivating supportive relationships, and with time and practice I have found my immediate response to emotions has changed. Emotions I previously would have been wary of, such as frustration or loneliness, I now approach with understanding and compassion, and each time they get easier. In recent weeks I have had multiple difficult situations arise in my life and I have been able to handle them with much more resilience than I expected or have in the past, which I attribute to my practice of these elements of positive psychology. Recently I witnessed a medical emergency in one of my classes that was very distressing for me. Through the following days, I was able to identify feelings such of disconnection, fear, panic, and anxiety that I had in reaction to this. I wanted so badly to ignore them, to push them away! But I knew better. I dove into the difficult experience of feeling them, allowing them. It was uncomfortable, I won’t sugar coat it. There were lots of tears shed, but it surprised me how quickly I was able to feel at peace with the situation. Instead of self-pity and wallowing in my sadness, I was able to turn the spotlight of my attention to other things, such as my relationships with those around me, which gave me support and buoyed me out of that difficult spot.
The MBS101 module on optimism suggests a new definition for the word, describing optimism as “the ability and willingness to observe the entire inner landscape of thoughts, feelings and perceptions (whether judged as positive or negative), and choose the perspective and subsequent action that maximizes one’s well-being.” This has changed my perspective. When I realized that my perception is not the same as reality, my understanding of the world expanded exponentially. What I see of other people is what they allow me to see. What they post on social media, how they act around me, what our interactions are like—they are not the whole picture. This destructive comparison game I have been subconsciously playing is not fair, as I know my whole story—my experiences, thoughts, emotions, intent—but I only know a small portion about those I am comparing myself too. Distorted views of myself and negative self-evaluations can come from social comparisons (Swallow & Kuiper, 1988) that I find myself making daily. As I began practicing mindfulness, I was able to become more aware of my thoughts and how frequently I compared myself to others. It was very surprising to be so conscious of something I had done for so long automatically, without thinking. I compared what I ate to what my roommates ate, my responses in class to my peers’, even the sound of my breathing after a walk up a steep hill to that of my best friend. Things that didn’t truly matter and I do not consider important looking back, but that plagued my mind with worries and insecurities.
What a freedom it is to allow myself to notice all these things, these thoughts and emotions, knowing I have the control to put my focus where I want it to be. Instead of becoming insecure about sharing an answer in class that might not have been correct, I allowed myself to feel proud for speaking up, thankful to my brain for the answer it provided, and happy when I noticed the looks of agreement from my classmates. When anxieties come, I am able to recognize it is my brain and body trying to protect me, and I can respond in gratitude instead of frustration. Though most of the worries have no foundation and are not helpful, I recognize them and let them pass, like leaves on a stream. Sometimes they don’t magically disappear. They can become recurrent and bothersome, but that is an opportunity to practice some other skills, like engaging in activities of flow or focusing my attention on being present in a conversation with a friend. Through mindfulness, I can become fully immersed in whatever I am doing, allowing time and distance between myself and my worry so that when I come back to it I have a better idea of how to approach it. There are many things in life that we do not have control over, maybe even the majority of things. But, among others, there is one key superpower that is within our control, our mind’s attention. Allowing myself to experience all emotions, thoughts, and situations has been difficult, but here are some things that have helped:
Mindfulness and meditation
Brief mindfulness meditation can improve emotion processing in different ways (Wu et al., 2019).
There are a variety of apps that provide guided meditation: Calm, Headspace
Youtube videos provide a variety of different guided practices for any situation
Author Jeffrey Schwartz and Rebecca Gladding’s Four Steps
Better understanding and implementing self-compassion
Common Humanity: You're Not Alone In This
“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.”
References
Ford, B. Q., Lam, P., John, O. P., & Mauss, I. B. (2018, December). The psychological health benefits of accepting negative emotions and thoughts: Laboratory, diary, and longitudinal evidence. Journal of personality and social psychology. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5767148/
Swallow, S. R., & Kuiper, N. A. (1988). Social comparison and negative self-evaluations: An application to depression. Clinical Psychology Review, 8(1), 55-76. https://doi.org/10.1016/0272-7358(88)90049-9
Wu, R., Liu, L.-L., Zhu, H., Su, W.-J., Cao, Z.-Y., Zhong, S.-Y., Liu, X.-H., & Jiang, C.-L. (2019, September 24). Brief Mindfulness Meditation Improves Emotion Processing. Frontiers. https://www.frontiersin.org/journals/neuroscience/articles/10.3389/fnins.2019.01074/full