By Andrea Hunsaker
“Being heard is so close to being loved that for the average person, they are almost indistinguishable.”
Three young monkeys lived in the jungle. After counseling with a wise old teacher, one committed to hear no evil, one to see no evil and one to speak no evil. The monkeys set out on their noble endeavor, but soon became disheartened because their jungle friends didn’t want to be around them anymore and the monkeys were sad and lonely. So, they returned to the wise one for help. “Tell me more about how you are protecting yourself and others from evil,” the wise one asked. The monkeys proudly explained that the one who heard no evil would cover his ears whenever another said something he thought was wrong. The one who saw no evil would close his eyes to others’ perspectives when they clashed with his sense of goodness. And the one who spoke no evil closed his heart and met others with silence in conflict so nothing bad would enter or escape him. “Ah,” said the wise one, “I see. You mistake evil for difference.”
Albert Einstein remarked that the most important decision a person will make is to decide whether or not the universe is a friendly place (Julie, 2023). That decision has to be made with every interaction. It sure doesn’t feel very friendly when your text is ignored, you’re criticized, or your partner uses that ‘tone’. But in our personal interactions, if we can trust in others’ overall basic goodness, we can see through their seemingly harsh actions and defenses, and can more easily lay down our defenses and be open, unguarded and connected.
As a counselor for couples, the first thing I do is teach some communication ground rules. I once made the mistake of letting it slide, and in that session the conflict became so heated, their voices were heard outside the building and one partner walked out and slammed the door. So, here’s some free therapeutic advice that I wish all the world knew and practiced.
A Metaphor for Playing Catch
Connection. Intimacy. Feeling seen, heard and safe with another person- It all starts with communication, and communicating can be compared to a game of catch. I throw a ball to you, you catch it, you throw a ball back. We’re sending messages back and forth. These messages are pieces of us. It takes trust and vulnerability. It’s no fun when you toss a ball to me and I’m picking dandelions, or we’re both throwing balls at the same time and no one is catching anything, or I nail you with a fast ball in the face. It takes practice in both sending a ball that is easily catchable and in receiving the wild throws, but getting a little better at these skills can really make a difference in the quality and intimacy of your relationships. Here are some ground rules from the Speaker/Listener Technique (Stanley et al., 1997), and the Imago Couples Dialogue (Hendrix & Hunt, 2019).
Rules for the Speaker
Present your concern with a soft delivery without blaming the other or judging their character. Give your thoughts as a gift to the listener to see inside a vulnerable place inside you - A gift of intimacy (in-to-me-see).
Ask for time.
“I’d like to talk with you about ___. Is now a good time? Or can we set aside time later?”
Use “I” messages. Focus on what you’re feeling and what you need, not on accusing the other person. Own your emotions. And if you are feeling angry, search underneath the anger for hurt or fear and be willing to express that.
“I feel ___ when (describe the situation) because ___.”
Use small chunks at a time, don’t overwhelm the listener.
Stay on topic. (Stanley et al., 1997).
Rules for the Listener
Listen to understand, not to rebut. Hold your reactions for later. (Holding back rebuttals might be the hardest part of it all. Breathe. Send yourself lots of compassion.)
Hear Me - Paraphrase in your own way the content of what you heard. This might seem like an unnecessary thing, but when you are with a person who does this well you feel so valued. They have really listened to you and registered what you were trying to say. “What I hear you saying is___. Is that right?”
“Is there more?”
See Me - Validate what the speaker has said by putting yourself in their shoes and trying to see things from their perspective. This is not admitting that they are right and you are wrong, this is simply acknowledging that from their view of the world, they have a point as well.
“I can see why you would see things that way.”
“That makes sense to me because...”
“I can see where you are coming from.”
Feel Me - Show empathy for the speaker's emotions. Really imagine how being in their position would feel. Name the specific emotions that you think they are experiencing.
“I can imagine how that would feel ___.” (Hendrix & Hunt, 2019).
Switch roles until both feel heard and understood. But what if you are the only one trying to use these skills? It still makes a difference. A relationship is like a dance. If you change your steps from the waltz to the foxtrot, the other person will likely change theirs too. Even if the change is only in your perspective. Hearing, seeing and feeling into another's world opens up their goodness to you, and they are no longer someone to fight or fear. The world is a safer place.
Remember the quarreling couple? After some time to cool down, the client came back into the room, I taught these skills, and the flavor of the interaction was strikingly improved. Voices were calmer. They paused and took in before responding. They looked into each other’s faces. They softened. It took courage for them to speak from their vulnerable places and really try to understand at a deeper level, but the payoff was worth it. All along they just wanted their goodness to be heard, seen and felt.
“I don’t like that man. I must get to know him better.”
References
Hendrix, H., & Hunt, H. (2019). Getting the love you want: A guide for couples: Fully updated and revised. Macmillan Audio.
Julie. (2023, February 27). “Do you live in a friendly universe?” redux - julia B. colwell, ph.D.. Julia B. Colwell, Ph.D. - Personal Transformation through Relationship. https://juliacolwell.com/archives/1926
Stanley, S. M., Markman, H. J., Blumberg, S. L., & Eckstein, D. (1997). The speaker/listener technique. The Family Journal, 5(1), 82–83. https://doi.org/10.1177/1066480797051013