By Mikaela Ahlstrom
“When we try to impose our will on time, time pushes back. Instead, what if we embraced the limits of our existence and worked within them?”
In an age where casual flirting, situationships, and the phrase “I just don’t feel like we need to label ourselves” are becoming more common, there comes a point when it is necessary to DTR (define the relationship). Clarifying expectations and desires can allow a budding relationship to move to the next level—or break off if it’s not going anywhere. However, many of us have yet to effectively DTR with one of our most important and impactful relationships: our relationship with time.
It’s no secret that time management issues are prevalent in our society today. Ever-increasing to-do lists combined with the sense that time is passing by faster than we can keep up are often a major source of stress and burnout. Add to that the constant pull of distractions, procrastination, and misplaced priorities… you get the idea. While it is difficult to know how to combat these struggles, author and journalist Oliver Burkeman believes that he has a solution, one that can reduce anxiety and promote feelings of contentment, purpose, and relief. In his book Four Thousand Weeks: Time Management for Mortals, he describes a new way to approach time and offers insights that are worth exploring. According to Burkeman, effectively defining our relationship with time begins with adjusting our expectations.
The Limit-Embracing Attitude to Time
Most modern time management books operate from the same general assumption: If you can just figure out the right strategy to implement in your life, you will somehow have time for everything that you hope to accomplish. Time management, then, comes down to determining which strategy will most effectively maximize your energy and resources. Burkeman, on the other hand, argues that it is essential to adopt a “limit-embracing attitude to time.” In other words, we need to come to terms with the fact that time is a finite commodity, and there will never be as much of it as we would like. “Since hard choices are unavoidable,” he says, “what matters is learning to make them consciously, deciding what to focus on and what to neglect, rather than letting them get made by default—or deceiving yourself that, with enough hard work and the right time management tricks, you might not have to make them at all” (Burkeman, 2021, pp. 21-22). Once we accept our limitations, we can turn our attention toward identifying the most productive and fulfilling uses of our time.
Choosing the Right Things
You may have heard of the classic time management analogy that classifies our daily activities as either rocks, pebbles, or sand which must be arranged to fit into a jar. The idea is to prioritize your tasks based on their importance (rocks first, then pebbles, and finally sand) so that the smaller tasks fill in the gaps between the larger ones. While this depiction seems helpful at first, Burkeman argues that it doesn’t account for the fact that we are starting with an impossible number of rocks. That is, there are too many activities that seem important enough, but simply not enough time to get to them all! So, how do we pick which rocks to focus on?
The first step is to identify our values. Values simply represent the attributes or beliefs that are most important to us, such as contribution, honesty, kindness, or adventure (Clear, n.d.). Research suggests that living in accordance with one’s values can promote greater well-being, although it is important to note that the type of value appears to make a difference. For example, Lee and Kawatchi (2019) discovered that spirituality and social connection were linked to higher levels of happiness whereas personal accomplishment corresponded with lower happiness. Similarly, Hanel and colleagues (2024) observed that people reported greater well-being after engaging with self-direction values (e.g., creativity, curiosity, and independence) while no such associations were found with values like pleasure and achievement. So, keep in mind while you are pinpointing your values that not all life pursuits are created equal.
Once we have identified what we value most, the next step is to ensure that we are spending time each day on activities that bring us closer to those values. This could look like dedicating time to an interest or hobby before working on anything else. “If you try to find time for your most valued activities by first dealing with all the other important demands on your time, in the hope that there’ll be some left over at the end, you’ll be disappointed,” Burkeman notes. “The only way to be sure it will happen is to do some of it today, no matter how little” (Burkeman, 2021, p. 50). Prioritizing valuable activities could also require us to say no to other pursuits that, while inherently good, will ultimately keep us from accomplishing what is most important to us.
Overcoming Distraction
Unfortunately, living by our values is not always easy to do. Distraction, which Burkeman defines as “an investment of a portion of your attention… in something less meaningful than other options that might have been available” (p. 63), is one obstacle that often gets in the way. Why does this happen? The simple answer is that the most important pursuits in life typically involve some degree of discomfort. Instead of engaging with this discomfort, we may try to avoid it by allowing our focus to be directed elsewhere, even if “elsewhere” means a less productive or worthwhile activity.
Practicing mindfulness is one of the best ways to overcome our tendency toward distraction. Mindfulness represents an open awareness of the present moment and a willingness to experience both the highs and lows of life. Research suggests that mindfulness practices can effectively increase one’s ability to tolerate discomfort (Heiland & Veilleux, 2023; Nila et al., 2016). This video may serve as a helpful introduction to the concept of using mindfulness to navigate challenging experiences. And, if you are interested in learning more about this topic, be sure to check out our Embracing Discomfort mini-module.
Happily Ever After
While your relationship with time may never be perfect, it is possible to get to a point where you feel content with how things are unfolding. Ultimately, time will become less of an enemy when we acknowledge our limitations and intentionally prioritize what matters most to us, learning how to deal with the inevitable discomfort that will arise along the way. Defining your relationship with time can be seen as an opportunity to clarify expectations, set boundaries, and reconnect with the values that give your life purpose and meaning. For additional insights and suggestions, I highly recommend reading Burkeman’s book to discover more about how to bring about these positive changes in your life.
“I don’t like that man. I must get to know him better.”
References
Burkeman, O. (2021). Four Thousand Weeks: Time Management for Mortals. Allen Lane, an imprint of Penguin Canada.
Clear, J. (n.d.). Core Values List: Over 50 Common Personal Values. James Clear. https://jamesclear.com/core-values
Hanel, P. H. P., Tunç, H., Bhasin, D., Litzellachner, L. F., & Maio, G. R. (2024). Value fulfillment and well‐being: Clarifying directions over time. Journal of Personality, 92(4), 1037–1049. https://doi.org/10.1111/jopy.12869
Heiland, A. M., & Veilleux, J. C. (2023). Reductions in distress intolerance via intervention: A review. Cognitive Therapy and Research, 48(5), 833–853. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10608-023-10425-1
Lee, M.-A., & Kawachi, I. (2019). The keys to happiness: Associations between personal values regarding core life domains and happiness in South Korea. PLoS ONE, 14(1), Article e020982. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0209821
Nila, K., Holt, D. V., Ditzen, B., & Aguilar-Raab, C. (2016). Mindfulness-based stress reduction (MBSR) enhances distress tolerance and resilience through changes in mindfulness. Mental Health and Prevention, 4(1), 36–41. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.mhp.2016.01.001