Context of Experiential Avoidance
“Avoidance is the best short-term strategy to escape conflict, and the best long-term strategy to ensure suffering.”
As we pursue our values, obstacles will inevitably arise that may make us feel uncomfortable. If you find yourself trying to avoid or get rid of difficult internal experiences, know that you’re not alone. In ancient times, humans learned to flee from painful experiences in an attempt to survive. This was an instinct that saved our ancestors from ferocious attacks or life-threatening emergencies. Although this habit kept them safe and out of harm’s way, threats in modern life are very different from what our ancestors faced. (See also the “Happiness Trap” video) When we experience “dangerous” emotions, such as heartbreak or embarrassment, our survival instincts kick in causing our blood to fill with adrenaline and cortisol in preparation for a fight. The problem is that we are rarely in any physical danger, and fighting may not actually be the best response.
Furthermore, the suffering we undergo when dealing with difficult emotions is usually magnified by our resistance to that suffering; it has been said that suffering = pain x resistance. Because of our ancestral survival instincts, we resist pain by trying to numb, distract, avoid, procrastinate, etc. Each of these behaviors are examples of experiential avoidance, which is the opposite of engaged living. This often “works” in the short term, but creates bigger problems in the long term and keeps us from moving toward what’s really important to us.
It is not possible to list every behavior associated with experiential avoidance, but below are a few examples to get your mind thinking about ways that you may use experiential avoidance in your own life:
Not having an important conversation with someone because it may be uncomfortable or awkward
Trying to forget a difficult experience by constantly pushing it out of your mind
Not starting on an important goal because commitment feels too binding
Avoiding opportunities for learning because growth can be challenging
Choosing not to exercise because it could bring discomfort or pain
Procrastinating a task because you’re afraid you will fail
Bottling up your emotions because bringing them up would feel too confrontational
Hesitating to trust someone because you are worried you will get hurt again
Spending hours on social media or your favorite video streaming service in an attempt to get away from your problems
Distancing yourself from people because you are upset with them
“If you don’t deal with your demons, they go into the cellar of your soul and lift weights.”
Allowing ourselves to routinely surrender to experiential avoidance can be costly. Not only do we delay the benefits of living an engaged life, but we also suffer from a heap of side effects. Research has found that people experience higher levels of social anxiety when they try to avoid discomfort in conversation (Kashdan et al., 2014). This means that trying to avoid unwanted feelings may actually increase the likelihood of experiencing such feelings. Another study suggests that avoidance may trigger depression (Trew, 2011). As it turns out, the relationship between avoidant behaviors and anxiety/depression isn’t just a one way street. Researchers have discovered that people with high levels of anxiety and depression are also more likely to engage in experiential avoidance (Wenze et al., 2018). All this is to say that when people use experiential avoidance, it can lead to anxiety/depression, which in turn can lead to more experiential avoidance. What we end up with is a downward spiralling pattern of behavior that can be extremely debilitating. If you have suffered through such a spiral before, or are currently trapped in one, read on!
The good news is, overcoming experiential avoidance is possible. Some bouts of avoidance may be tougher to dispel than others, but with a little skill and diligence, you can climb out of any avoidance trap. While the information presented later in this module is designed to pull you away from experiential avoidance and push you into engaged living, there is one key strategy worth mentioning here. A group of researchers has recently suggested using mindfulness to tame avoidant tendencies (Roche et al., 2018). Because mindfulness is a non-judgmental acceptance of the present, it allows us to make room for unwanted emotions. Instead of running from unpleasant experiences, we can use mindfulness as a foundation for accepting them. To learn more about mindfulness, check out our module here. With that foundation of acceptance in mind, you are ready to begin building your engaged living skills.