Vulnerability: It’s Worth the Risk

When a situation makes us feel vulnerable, our primal instinct is to run. But instead of avoiding discomfort and pain, we can welcome them. In our idealistic society, accepting imperfections is usually seen as a defeat, but the real defeat comes from denying our imperfections. Refusing to see our imperfections limits our ability to improve them, or in some circumstances, to accept that they may never change. The message here is that it’s okay to be human. It’s fine to feel.

Let this settle in while you listen to Alan Watts explain his take on feelings:

It is healthy to accept our emotions, whatever they may be. As Watts points out, they might not always be the best guide to the actions we should take, but we’re in a better position to use emotions effectively when we first accept them as our experience. Vulnerability is all about being willing to embrace risk and discomfort. 

To ease you into living a life of vulnerability, it might help to know that being emotionally open has its benefits. For starters, we increase our levels of self-mastery and self-esteem when we push ourselves beyond our usual expectations (Dozois, 2018). Being vulnerable can also increase our sense of happiness by improving our social relationships. In fact, when conversations are more intimate and meaningful, happiness goes up while loneliness goes down (Sandstrom & Dunn, 2014). Allowing yourself to be vulnerable around people you love improves your relationship with them. This can be done by constructively sharing difficult emotions with them (Graham et al., 2018). When sharing emotions in this way, the focus is on letting someone else see the real you. If it starts to feel like you are complaining instead of explaining, shift your attention back to your emotions and away from the situation itself. 

The good news is that as your relationships improve, you become more likely to make toward moves in the direction of the people you value. As an added bonus, when relationships become stronger and stronger, people become healthier and healthier. Researchers have even found that strong relationships can help you live longer (Umberson & Montez, 2010). Just remember that vulnerability helps you increase the strength of those relationships.

If you have ever heard of Brené Brown, chances are that you have also heard of her TED Talk entitled, “The Power of Vulnerability.” If you have not seen it yet or want to review it again, check it out here. In this iconic talk, Brené Brown tells the story of how she came to discover the value of vulnerability. Over years of meeting and interviewing people, she found many who had experienced suffering and disappointment. Even though many of them had similar struggles, only a select few were happy and thriving. After focusing on these happy individuals and comparing them to each other, she realized they had something in common: they were willing to be vulnerable. 

According to Brené, vulnerability is the willingness to do something when there are no guarantees of success. These few people were flourishing because they had been willing to take those kinds of risks and allow discomfort. In contrast, everyone else had tried to numb their suffering. The issue with this second approach is that you cannot selectively numb emotion. When we attempt to numb the bad stuff, we also numb joy, gratitude, and happiness. We can either live an empty life, where we are spared sadness at the expense of happiness, or we can live an engaged life, where we are subject to sadness for the existence of happiness. At the end of the day, if we want our values to fill us with hope and strength, then we must strengthen our commitment to vulnerability.

What is the best way to be vulnerable? Are we advocating for a completely unrestrained leap into vulnerability and openness? Not exactly. As it turns out, there are limits to vulnerability. Brené Brown herself has said, “Vulnerability without boundaries is not vulnerability.” This may seem slightly contradictory to recommend being open to discomfort while also recommending boundaries. The key here, however, is self-love. It is important that we love ourselves and keep ourselves safe from mistreatment. Diving into discomfort and taking risks, if done properly, should not harm our sense of self-worth. It is possible, however, that being too vulnerable with the wrong people can damage our sense of self-worth. Think of it like this: setting boundaries where necessary is an act of self-love because it establishes a place of safety and security for yourself. Remember, boundaries are only needed in situations where your worth is being attacked.

So what exactly does being vulnerable with appropriate boundaries look like? Well, that depends on whether you’re being vulnerable with someone else or with yourself. Let’s look at each one separately:

• With someone else: Being vulnerable with others might involve letting them see your weaknesses. It might lead you to share candid emotions and thoughts. In essence, being vulnerable with others is letting them in. It is granting them passage to the dark and sometimes ugly corners of your soul. Boundaries in this sense are healthy as a way of defending your self-worth. Only you can decide what boundaries are necessary around which people. Only you can decide what is okay and what is not okay when being vulnerable around others (including to what extent you are okay with their vulnerability). Too much vulnerability could lead to your courage getting stepped on which might hinder your willingness to take committed action. Too little vulnerability, however, could result in the inability to feel courageous enough to act. Being vulnerable around others is healthy and productive, as long as you have proper boundaries in place to protect your self-worth. *One note of clarification: boundaries are not meant to prevent action and risk-taking on your part; they are simply meant to prevent others from hurting your sense of self-worth. 

• With yourself: Being vulnerable with yourself is about being open to and accepting any and all emotions you may be experiencing. It is acknowledging your weaknesses instead of hiding from them. When we are vulnerable with ourselves, we are honest and candid with ourselves. We are open to the risk that our actions may fail. Boundaries in this sense stand in opposition to vulnerability. When we have internal boundaries, we shut out the opportunity of getting to know ourselves better. When we have internal boundaries, we stomp out the fire that fuels our courage to the point of action. The only boundary that is essential with yourself is drawing the line when you begin to question your self-worth. Vulnerability only works if self-worth is held constant, so believe that you are worthy of love and don’t let yourself think otherwise!