Engaged Living Strategies Menu
““The way to get started is to quit talking and begin doing.”
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Experiment with as many of the exercises below as you can, coming back to those that feel most helpful for you. However, possibly the most important daily exercise for engaged living is the following:
What is something important (something in line with your values) that you’re reluctant to do because of fear or discomfort? Spend 20 minutes today doing that! If it takes less time than that, great! If you can’t bring yourself to do it for 20 minutes, do it for 5 (you can do practically anything for 5 minutes!), and at the end of 5 minutes, see if you’ve created enough momentum to continue. Afterward, notice the difference between how you felt before you started, and how you feel now that you’ve spent 20 minutes facing what you feared. Congratulations! You are a stronger person than you were 20 minutes ago!
Values Exercises:
The Life Compass – This strategy from the University of Colorado allows you to categorize your values and rank them in order of importance. As you follow the steps below, be authentic and true to yourself.
On an empty page draw 8 large boxes, each with a small square in the upper right and lower right corners. Label the 8 large boxes with the following titles: school/education; free time/recreation; work/job/career; mental/physical health; spirituality/religion; family; intimate relationships; friendships/social.
In the main part of each large box, write a few key words about what is important or meaningful to you in these areas of life: what sort of person do you want to be? What sort of personal strengths and qualities do you want to have?
If a box feels irrelevant or you get stuck, leave it blank, and return to it if something comes to you. It’s okay if the same words appear in several boxes: this will help you identify core values.
Once you’ve done that for all boxes, in the upper small square inside each, mark on a scale of 0-10 how important these values are to you at this point in your life (0 = no importance, 10 = extremely important). Finally, in the lower small square inside each box, mark on a scale of 0-10 how effectively you are living by these values right now (0 = not at all, 10 = living by them fully).
Take a look at what you’ve written. What does this tell you? What’s important in your life? What might you currently be neglecting? When looking over this document, imagine how to weave these different values into your life.
The Bull’s Eye – Tobias Lundgren created this exercise to give us a visual of how closely we are living in alignment with our values. Try it out for yourself using these instructions from Addy Lake (2013):
The Bull’s Eye exercise is quite simple. You begin with a set of concentric circles (an archery target) and then split these circles along the lines of a compass. Each of the quarters represent a part of your life, in this case: work/education, leisure, personal growth/health, and relationships.
You begin by listing your values for each of these parts of your life. In doing so, think about what really matters to you, deep in your heart. What do you want to do with your time on the planet? What sort of person do you want to be? What personal strengths and/or qualities do you want to be remembered for?
Once you have your values in mind, write them on your Bull’s Eye beside each of the areas. In doing so, you may wish to choose (i.e. prioritize) your top three values (or however many suits you) and mark them with a star or highlighter.
After you’ve identified your values in each of the areas, mark on the Bull’s Eye where you stand today. If you live fully by your values, all power to you because you’ve hit the Bull’s Eye, but if not, don’t see it as a failure, but a new direction for you to take in the future.
Experiential Avoidance Exercises:
The Costs of Avoidance – Going through this worksheet will help you recognize what you are doing (or have done) to avoid unwanted feelings. First, be honest with yourself and acknowledge the thoughts and emotions you are trying to get rid of. Next, make a list of the efforts you have made to avoid those undesirable thoughts, feelings, sensations, or memories. Try to think of as many specific examples as possible. Once you have a list of your past efforts, go through each one and answer these three questions: “Did this get rid of my painful thoughts and feelings in the long term? Did it bring me closer to a rich, full, and meaningful life? If the answer to question 2 is ‘no’, then what did this cost me in terms of time, energy, money, health, relationships, and vitality?” This process of stepping back and analyzing your avoidance habits might inspire you to do things differently in the future.
Getting Hooked – The idea of getting ‘hooked by thoughts’ is central to Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. As the linked worksheet explains, “[it means] you get all caught up in your thoughts and they exert a strong influence over your actions.” When we are ‘hooked,’ we tend to make ‘away moves.’ Going through this exercise will help you recognize what situations might hook you and how you act differently when hooked. You will then come up with ways to unhook yourself so you can resume engaging in your life and make ‘towards moves.’
Vulnerability Exercises:
Negative visualization – This ancient stoic practice is designed to prepare us for the future crises of our lives. It is a great way to embrace vulnerability and learn to cope with difficult emotions before the actual tragedy hits. The ancient Roman philosopher Seneca once said, “Unexpectedness adds to the weight of a disaster. The fact that it was unforeseen has never failed to intensify a person’s grief. This is a reason for ensuring that nothing ever takes us by surprise. We should project our thoughts ahead of us at every turn and have in mind every possible eventuality instead of only the usual course of events.” Watch the instructional video in the link above and follow along in the guided meditation at the end to practice negative visualization the right way.
The Willingness and Action Plan – The purpose of this strategy is to foster a sense of willingness to be open to all of life’s experiences. You will start by writing down a goal or value you want to pursue (feel free to use one from your work on the previous exercises). Next, write down what thoughts, memories, feelings, sensations, and urges you are willing to make room for in order to achieve that goal. These may be uncomfortable things, but making room for them is essential to making progress. Take risks and embrace the discomfort.
Struggling vs. Opening Up – As you go throughout your day, difficult emotions will inevitably arise. Use this worksheet to keep track of how well you manage them. “Fill in this worksheet once a day to help keep track of what happens when you struggle with your emotions and what happens when you open up and make room for them.” Use this as an opportunity to embrace your imperfections instead of hide from them. *As a bonus exercise, it might be a good idea to first fill out The Willingness and Action Plan and then use this worksheet as a progress tracker.
Practicing authenticity – Learn to love the real you. You may need to practice being authentic before you feel comfortable being completely genuine as an individual. Click the link to discover 20 ways you can work on being a more authentic person. Exercises include examining doubts, having compassion for others, releasing patterns and beliefs that no longer serve you, and many more. See what works for you, and remember that the road to authenticity is worth the discomfort!
VIA Character Strengths Survey – Few things require more vulnerability than taking a character strengths survey to see what character traits you are best (and worst) at. Remember that the results are not set in stone though; you can improve on any of the traits you want to! Plus the results, of course, are yours alone to see. Dr. Martin Seligman loves this survey and uses it in his work at the University of Pennsylvania. Open up your heart and learn a little about yourself. *Note that the information it asks for at the end of the survey is optional and there is a button to “skip & get your free results.”
Courage and Wholeheartedness Exercises:
Overcoming F.E.A.R. – As discussed in the module, fear can be debilitating and prevent us from living value-centered lives. This is especially true when we see fear as our enemy. Ultimately, we do want to overcome fear, but that can only be done through a path of acceptance rather than a path of avoidance. This worksheet by Russ Harris brilliantly walks you through recognizing your obstacles in an attempt to overcome them. F.E.A.R. is an acronym that includes most of the common barriers we face. Once we have acknowledged the barriers of F.E.A.R., we can overcome them using D.A.R.E., an acronym full of strategies to fight against our obstacles. Click the link to learn how to D.A.R.E. instead of F.E.A.R.
Assertiveness Training – This strategy comes from Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and helps people develop courage in social situations. Have you ever met someone who was so passive that you never found out their genuine opinion? Or have you ever met someone who was so aggressive that you couldn’t possibly express your opinion? Passive people focus too much on the needs of others (often at the expense of their own needs), and aggressive people focus too much on their own needs (often at the expense of other people’s needs). Neither of these approaches is ideal. Assertive people split the difference and are able to be direct and honest while still respecting others. You can start learning to be assertive and gain courage in social situations by going through the link above.
Courageous role models – Looking to those who have courage can instill that same courage within us. Think, for example, about a new soldier going into combat for the first time. If they are surrounded by courageous role models, they are likely to emulate a similar level of courage and become more self-confident. If instead they are surrounded by fearful or reluctant comrades, they will imitate that behavior and become fearful themselves (Miller, 2000). Surround yourself with courageous peers to help you develop the courage to do what matters most.
Finding a higher purpose – There seems to be a connection between courage and purpose; the stronger our sense of purpose, the more courage we show (Goud, 2005). Sometimes, however, it’s difficult to find a purpose strong enough to fill us with sufficient courage. One possible solution is to look for a higher purpose: something greater than and beyond oneself. To do this, you might try “inspirational reading, a small retreat, sharing the purpose of an endeavor with like-involved colleagues, and so on” (Goud, 2005, p. 113). Family, God, and community (however those look for you) might also give you a higher purpose. Draw courage from your higher purpose to take action towards your values.
10 Guideposts for Wholehearted Living – Brené Brown created 10 guideposts to remind us what behaviors push us towards wholeheartedness and what behaviors pull us away from it. According to these guideposts, cultivating wholeheartedness is...
Letting go of what people think & cultivating authenticity
Letting go of perfectionism & cultivating self-compassion
Letting go of numbing and powerlessness & cultivating your resilient spirit
Letting go of scarcity and fear of the dark & cultivating gratitude and joy
Letting go of the need for certainty & cultivating intuition and trusting faith
Letting go of comparison & cultivating creativity
Letting go of exhaustion as a status symbol and productivity as self-worth & cultivating play and rest
Letting go of anxiety as a lifestyle & cultivating calm and stillness
Letting go of self-doubt and “supposed to” & cultivating meaningful work
Letting go of being cool and “always in control” & cultivating laughter, song, and dance
My Love Letter to Myself – Write a letter to remind yourself that you are worthy of love and belonging. You can either write a letter from scratch or use the linked worksheet. If you choose to create your own letter, consider recording yourself reading it and then watch it back. If you choose to fill out the worksheet, you will be asked to list your positive qualities, reflect on how they have benefited you and/or someone else, and honor them in some way. This exercise should deepen your belief that you are worthy of love and happiness, helping you to become more wholehearted.
Self-Love Journal – This strategy may take a little longer than 20 minutes, but it will also be more fulfilling. Designate a separate journal or note on your phone as a self-love journal. Find a time that works for you each day and take a few moments to answer one or more of the prompts from the outline. These prompts will ask you to do things like write a reassuring note to yourself, jot down 3 compliments you’ve received, or decide on one thing you’ll forgive yourself for this week. As you fill out your self-love journal often, you will come to understand why you are worthy of love and happiness.
Committed Action Exercises:
“Worst first” – As the highest priority for the day and the first thing to tackle, ask yourself: “What is something important I’ve been avoiding, but is very much in line with my values?” Spend 20 minutes on that before you do anything else. Prioritizing value-centered action can form long-lasting habits that bring you happiness. Plus, the more you do this exercise, the easier and more natural it will become.
Simple question – Consider the following question: “What meaningful step can I take today (small as it may be) toward my values?” Make this your most important goal for the day. You may choose to work on it at various intervals during the day or you may prefer to accomplish it all at once. However you approach it, commit to getting it done before the end of the day. Once the day is over, write down how it felt to take that step toward your values. Now make a plan for the next day to keep the momentum going!
Input Deprivation Week – The idea is to take one full week and avoid any type of information consumption. During this week, you would restrict (or even eliminate) the use of technology and refrain from reading or learning of any kind. By giving up the role of a consumer, you are forced to become a producer and take action. “Your focus will turn to production instead of consumption.” Click the link above to learn more about this strategy.
Implemented intentions strategies – Eventually willpower will fail so having habits (implemented intentions) in place can help us continue to connect with our values despite setbacks. One such strategy is known by the acronym WOOP. To utilize this strategy, you need to decide on a Wish or goal you want to achieve, and then visualize what that Outcome would feel like. Arguably, the most important step is deciding what internal Obstacle would most likely prevent you from achieving your goal. What do you expect to get in your way (e.g. thoughts, emotions, bad habits, etc.)? Make a Plan for working around this obstacle by constructing an “if-then” statement. For example, “If (obstacle), then I will (action).” WOOP and many other implemented intentions strategies can be put in place early on to prepare you for moments of fatigue and doubt down the road.
Commitment, Obstacles, and Strategies worksheet – This outline is similar to the WOOP strategy, but takes a slightly different approach. Whereas WOOP focuses on one wish at a time, this worksheet allows you to tackle multiple commitments at once. For each commitment, think about various obstacles that could get in your way. These can be “practical or personal” obstacles, such as external limitations or “perceived psychological hurdles.” Make a plan to overcome those obstacles as you decide on the best ways for you to boost commitment.
Self-Efficacy Exercises:
The Three Things Exercise – List three things you successfully accomplished within the past week and think about how you felt after doing them. Then list three things you hope to accomplish in the upcoming week and think about how you would feel after completing those tasks. Focusing on the positive feelings of achievement should inspire you to keep moving forward and believing in yourself (Madhuleena, 2020).
Positive self-talk – Try speaking to yourself in front of a mirror. You can compliment yourself, say motivating things, or even just explain what is on your mind. The point here is to connect with yourself and develop a deeper understanding that you are an amazing person who is capable of great things (Madhuleena, 2020).
Looking back at achievements – This can motivate you to keep going when the going gets tough. Write down the accomplishments you are most proud of and refer back to them when you need an extra boost of self-efficacy. This strategy helps you draw confidence from previous wins and channel it into future efforts (Madhuleena, 2020).
Increasing self-awareness – Self-awareness has long been associated with self-efficacy. The underlying thinking here is that in order to be the person who believes in you the most, you need to be the person who understands you the most. You can increase self-awareness by keeping a thought journal, reading and picking up on your physical cues, or even catching random thoughts and analyzing their origin (Madhuleena, 2020).
Who I Am – With so much on our minds, we rarely stop and think about the details that make up who we are. These are things we know subconsciously but rarely pull up to a conscious level. Doing so, however, can increase our self-awareness and in turn boost our self-efficacy. Filling out the prompts on this worksheet will help you see yourself more clearly as you remember the details of who you are. This should build your confidence that you are full of achievement and success.
The Great I Am Worksheet – This creative outline lets you answer 10 questions about yourself. The only catch is that you are not allowed to think for very long about the answers! Write down the first response that comes to your mind. After finishing the questions, you will put them all together and admire just how incredible you are. These questions are designed to pump you full of confidence, so embrace vulnerability and don’t be shy with your responses.