“When we focus on ourselves, our world contracts as our problems and preoccupations loom large. But when we focus on others, our world expands. Our own problems drift to the periphery of the mind and so seem smaller, and we increase our capacity for connection - or compassionate action.”
— Dr. Daniel Goleman

Exercises for Cultivating Compassion

Now we finally get to the most important part of the module: learning how to actually increase our capacity for compassion! What follows is a collection of the best research-based exercises and strategies for enhancing compassion. Read through them all, then pick out the ones that resonate most with you, and practice them in the coming weeks.

1. Loving-kindness meditation - One time-tested and research-supported way of cultivating compassion is through practicing loving-kindness (or metta) meditation. If you are interested in this, there are many loving-kindness meditations available online (see a few below), or you can search for practitioners in your area.

 

 

2. Enhancing your mindfulness skills - As we discussed earlier, mindfulness is a vital precursor to the development of compassion. To benefit your compassion practice, you can try increasing your mindfulness in any way, or specifically being mindful of others and of suffering. This may be a kind of mindfulness you have not focused on before. Learning to accept and be mindful of suffering is an invaluable skill. See our Self-Compassion module for more on this.

  • Soothing Rhythm Breathing is the foundational mindfulness practice in Compassion Focused Therapy and is used consistently in conjunction with compassion exercises. A version of it can be found here, or see the website https://www.newharbinger.com/act-practitioners-guide-science-compassion/accessories for an audio copy of this meditation. (You will be required to make an account, but it’s free and makes many great resources available to you!) Or, try searching soothing rhythm breathing on YouTube.

  • Use mindfulness to learn to direct your attention to different things, such as parts of the body or different kinds of memories - or suffering and certain experiences with it. Learn to better focus your attention using the Compassionate Mindfulness Emotion audio at https://www.newharbinger.com/act-practitioners-guide-science-compassion/accessories.

3. Just Like Me - This is one of the best exercises for developing empathy and compassion. With this exercise, you say these words to yourself whenever you notice yourself having trouble being compassionate, feeling empathy, recognizing common humanity, or when you’re feeling annoyed with someone. You look at them and say “just like me” and then think of the ways that that difficult, annoying, crabby, angry, or frustrating person is just like you - and there are always ways! The goal is to decrease the gap between you and that person through just a little bit of empathy. Just Like Me can be used anywhere, at any time. If you’re having trouble coming up with a way they are just like you, here are a few good go-to’s: they are seeking happiness and freedom from pain, just like me or they are flawed and imperfect, just like I am flawed and imperfect. All people are seeking happiness just like you, and they are probably going about it in some unproductive way, just like you. If you have trouble remembering to do this in the moment, then sit down at the end of the day and consider or write about the difficult people you encountered that day. Then, list all the ways you can think of that they are just like you.

4. Observing Suffering - Use an airport, mall, school, or another public place to observe and get to know the subtle ways that suffering manifests itself. If someone seems discontent in some way, ask yourself - why are they unhappy? What is the cause? Is it possible that the actual cause is internal, or coming from them, rather than external? For example, it might seem like someone’s frustration is coming because a salesperson isn’t meeting their requests, but could it really be that they are being impatient or that they are failing to remember that all humans have flaws and imperfections? In what ways do people seem to feed, or even create, their own suffering? The idea isn't to be judgmental of other people, but we can observe others' frustrations and notice how we do the same things all the time. What seems to be most effective in alleviating suffering? Do you think those things are successful long-term (do they prevent future suffering?) or are they simply short-term solutions? (For example, getting what they want now vs learning to be patient.) Consider the nature of your sufferings and if there are perhaps ways that you fuel or create your own suffering.

5. Self-Compassion - For some people, the person they may have the most trouble feeling compassion toward is themselves. We are often not there for ourselves in moments of suffering, and instead of trying to alleviate our pain, our mounting self-criticism makes it worse. Many of us say or do things to ourselves that we wouldn’t even do to the people we dislike. If your lack of compassion for yourself is impeding your compassion for others, or even if you simply realize that you aren’t including yourself in your circle of compassion, consider learning more about self-compassion. Begin by reading our Self-Compassion Module, and/or check out the resources at self-compassion.org.

6. Receiving Compassion -  Consider a time when you were on the receiving end of a compassionate word or deed. Specifically, consider what about that action from someone else made it successful. How could you apply those successful aspects to the way you show compassion to others? Take some time to write about or ponder this.

7. Compassion Toolbox - Make a “toolbox” of words or actions you might use when you are with someone who is suffering. Often our discomfort with suffering comes from not knowing how to react to it. Some ideas for actions include offering a Kleenex or glass of water, giving a hug, putting a hand on their arm, or making eye contact. Phrases can include anything that feels genuine, including offering to help with some aspect of the problem, offering to get them in contact with someone who can help, telling what has been helpful for you in the past, or saying I love you, I really care about you, That must be really hard, I am here if you need anything, I know what it’s like to be sad, I’m sorry that this happened, etc. Also, consider that simply your presence and supportive silence is an important tool to include in your toolbox (after all, compassion simply means "to suffer with" or "to endure with"). If there is someone whose suffering you encounter often (for example, if you are a caregiver or parent or spouse), make a list of words or actions that would be specifically meaningful to them, including things that have been effective in the past.

8. Compassionate Imagery - Utilize your mind’s capacity for imagery to help you develop compassion. When we imagine things, our bodies and emotions can respond as though it was actually happening. If we use compassionate imagery, we can activate brain systems that will help us cope with suffering. The following meditation can help you learn to more successfully visualize compassion: Giving and Receiving Compassion Meditation by Olivia

9. Practice in Your Mind - Pick a person close to you with whom you interact often and imagine they were going through something difficult. Pick a situation that is realistic, something that could really happen to them. Don’t pick something too difficult right away (like dealing with divorce or the death of a loved one); start with something smaller but still difficult (like failing a test, being injured, not getting a job they wanted, being offended, etc.). In your mind, picture them telling you about this situation and consider how you could react compassionately. Make a list of possible things you could do or say to help alleviate their suffering. You may have to think outside of the box or outside of what you normally do. List as many ideas as you can. Repeat with different people and different situations. This is a great exercise for strengthening your skill of alleviation, one of the two branches of compassion in CFT.

10. Try any of the worksheets or audios available at the website https://www.newharbinger.com/act-practitioners-guide-science-compassion/accessories. Again, you’ll have to make a free account, but it is well worth it!

11. Try any of the audios available at https://compassionatemind.co.uk/resources/audio