Having Tea With Guilt
“Guilt is not a response to anger; it is a response to one’s own actions or lack of action. If it leads to change then it can be useful, since it is then no longer guilt but the beginning of knowledge.”
What Is Guilt?
As a child, did you ever accidentally break something valuable? Or maybe you were a little too rough with a sibling or friend, and they wound up getting hurt? Making mistakes is a part of being human, and a feeling of guilt often accompanies such experiences—you know, that pit in your stomach that makes you want to run away or hide.
Psychologists typically agree that guilt has two components (Tilghman-Osborne et al., 2010). First, guilt is a moral emotion that helps us evaluate our actions in relation to others. If guilt were to be placed into one of the pillars of human flourishing, it would fit well in the people column. Second, guilt is situational, arising when we believe we’ve done something wrong. In other words, you feel guilty when you do (or imagine doing) something wrong. For this module, we will define guilt as the painful and adaptive emotion that follows wrongdoing, generates remorse, augments a sense of responsibility, and motivates reparation (Tangney, 1996).
How Is Guilt Good?
Guilt, while uncomfortable, serves an important role, much like physical pain. Imagine life without the ability to feel pain, as shown in cases of people with congenital insensitivity to pain and anhidrosis (CIPA). Though it might sound appealing, lacking the ability to feel pain is dangerous. Similarly, without guilt, we would continue harmful actions without recognizing the need to stop or make amends.
This video highlights the dangers of no physical pain due to CIPA:
There are a few reasons why guilt is good. First, guilt acts to remind us to reflect, change course, or repair harm (Tangey et al., 2005). Without it, we lose the signposts that keep us aligned with our values and community. Rather than viewing guilt as something to avoid, we can learn to appreciate it as a guide that helps us grow and stay on track.
Second, guilt is both reparative and preventive (Tangey, 1996). Think about a time when you did something wrong, felt bad, apologized, and corrected the situation. Chances are, you were less likely to repeat the offense. Guilt still encourages better behavior even for those who struggle to follow moral codes (Tangney, 1991).
Third, guilt is prosocial. It can help us build stronger relationships and communities by motivating us to regret and correct our mistakes (Bybee, 1998; Julle-Daniere, 2020). Guilt helps us take responsibility for our actions and can prevent us from making similar mistakes in the future (Tangney, 2007).
Fourth, some research suggests that guilt may also boost happiness. For more on this, check out the video: Can Guilt Make You Happy?
Avoiding the Shame Trap
At this point, it’s important to distinguish between guilt and shame. As Brené Brown (2012) explains, “Shame is a focus on self, guilt is a focus on behavior. Shame is ‘I am bad.’ Guilt is ‘I did something bad.’” When your thoughts and feelings shift from motivating to self-deprecating, you’ve crossed from guilt to shame. This can make you feel powerless, worthless, and exposed (Tangney, 2007). Dr. June Tangney further explores this distinction in this TED Talk.
How can we experience guilt in a healthy way without letting shame take over? One of the best ways is to cultivate self-compassion. Dr. Kristen Neff, a leading researcher on the subject, outlines three key elements of self-compassion: self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness. These components help us acknowledge and correct our mistakes without damaging our sense of self-worth. For more details, check out our Self-Compassion Module.